We open with Jim Edmond’s criticizing his wife’s cooking. Specifically, Meghan’s chopping abilities and methods. Hey Jim Edmonds: this woman is making you dinner. Does it matter how she cuts the ingredients? Across town, Shannon Beador and Heather Dubrow sit down to a lunch or a dinner or some meal where Shannon gets to order an overcomplicated vodka beverage. Heather thinks this is the perfect time to talk more about her leeches and her bleeding for 24 straight hours and her coagulation rate, so she does. While it’s a gross and obnoxious topic of conversation, it’s still better than listening to her go on about the struggles of building her mansion.
Next we ping-pong back and forth between ShanShan and Heather and Meggers and Jim Edmonds rehashing YET AGAIN the whole Meghan and Vicki drama about Brooks’ cancer or perhaps lack thereof. There’s a lot said, but nothing worth noting, and I’m left wanting to pull all of these women into a room, sit them down and quote Abilene from The Help: “Ain’t you tired?” When Jim Edmonds starts to make the most sense — by repeating various iterations of “stay out of it” — you know there’s a problem.
Meghan’s proud of the meal she made. “Only 290 calories, babe.” Jim Edmonds thinks there’s “probably 290 calories in that glass of red wine” she is drinking. Jim Edmonds is wrong; a glass of red typically has around 85 calories. “This is actually pretty good, babe,” Jim Edmonds says of Meghan’s meal. “Thanks, babe,” Meghan says. I hate hearing these two call each other “babe.”
We’re off to Choctaw, Oklahoma, where Vicki Gunvalson is visiting daughter Briana and her two grandchildren. Vicki’s in the middle of demanding that her one grandson essentially play harder and faster because a storm is coming. “Hurry up. Here, do it again,” she barks at this toddler, handing him balls and bats and whatnot. Briana and her husband, Ryan, figure out if they should ride out an impending tornado warning at a nice steak dinner downtown or in a cramped storm shelter in the floor of their garage. Vicki’s son-in-law shows her the shelter and she freaks out within a second, shrieking. “I don’t know what’s worse; being in a tornado or being in this storm shelter with the top closed,” she tells us. Vicki, what’s worse is listening to you say things like, “I’m scared. I want my mommy.”
Tamra and Eddie Judge go to meet “Pastor Mike” and talk about getting to know God a bit. Tamra tears up while discussing her custody battle but “the minute I went into the church, it all made sense to me.” Then of course Tamra brings up that “last night we did a sex party.” Sorry you have to suffer through this woman, Pastor Mike. Tamra asks what are the rules of being a good Christian, before we’re treated to a clip roll of her not being a good Christian from seasons past. Uplifting music swells as Pastor Mike tells her Jesus will forgive and love her, and were this anyone else I’d find it sweet. However, something tells me this is just a plot point Tamra cooked up for the season and getting baptized at her age — in front of TV cameras — feels less than sincere.
At dinner in Oklahoma, Briana tells us she misses her social life. Bravo interprets this as she misses partying, because they immediately show old footage of her smoking and drinking to excess. They’ve got no friends, but Ryan thinks it’s a blessing because they can rely on each other. Talk turns to who was sadder when Briana left the OC, and Vicki assures everyone it was Vicki. Briana would love to move back near her mother, but “there’s no way that’s going to happen with Brooks living with her. I think Brooks is a terrible person and my kids are never going to be around him.” (Well, now that he and Vicki split, perhaps Briana can go home.)
Meghan and Jim Edmonds are leaving a doctor after having a lump on Meghan’s chest checked out. Since cancer runs in her family, she’s hyper vigilant about any abnormalities. This lump wasn’t cancer, though Meghan had a test performed that can identify harmful changes in either one of the two main breast cancer susceptible genes. Meghan’s mom had a double mastectomy, prophylactically, so Meghan and her mom chat about what would happen should Meghan’s results come back positive. The conclusion: be ready to take the same action.
Heather and Terry Dubrow are in the back of a car discussing their leech wounds. Ugh. Put a leech on their mouths to prevent them from speaking. They’re on their way to meet a group of marketing people to talk about a new skin care line they’re launching. “This is something we’re both passionate about, but it’s also a great way to spend time together,” Heather tells us. Back up a sec. I sort of get why Terry, a medical doctor, would have a skin care line. But what the hell do you bring to this table, Heather? I thought you were an actress? I thought making sure the porte cochere is up to code was your full-time job? Now you’re going to hawk zit and eye cream?
NEXT: The Dubrows prepare to hawk zit and eye cream[pagebreak]
Heather and this room full of nodding yes-men and women think their products are amazing and wonderful and a heap of other glowing adjectives. Terry tells us the Dubrow’s have plunked down more than one million bucks “of our own money” on the line, and if that figure is true, now I’m really wondering how deep the Dubrow’s pockets really are. These marketing monkeys tell the Dubrows that their system will instantly know whether these products are heroes or a zeros, though they think it will be a hit. To the tune of a million bucks in the first few days.
In what is both the cutest and saddest part of this episode, Shannon and David’s kids turn their dining room into a “restaurant” because they want mommy and daddy to be happy again. “We made this dinner because we want to make your relationship better,” one of their daughters says. Here’s where I grimace. Shannon again vomits up therapy-speak about moving forward and yadda yadda. Have to admit, I was very surprised that Shannon did not ask David if he ever took his mistress to this “pop-up restaurant” in their dining room.
Back in Oklahoma, Vicki has three cars arrive outside her daughter’s home. One will be a gift “because I can’t fix her crabbiness,” so Briana gets to go outside and pick an SUV. Best part of this gift? The inclusion of “within a certain budget” in the offer letter. Briana seems pretty damn nonchalant about the whole shebang, and keeps saying, “I feel weird about this” and “I’m weird about gifts.”
Eddie and Tamra head out to sushi, which is when Tamra drops the bomb about giving her slacker child Ryan many thousands of dollars to buy a home. You can tell Eddie’s PISSED because he just keeps repeating what Tamra’s saying in the form of a question: “You gave Ryan, a 30-year-old adult, $8,000 to move into a place?” You can also tell Eddie’s upset because Eddie says, “I am mad at you.” Eddie thinks Ryan should pay it back; Tamra thinks this is what you do for your child. Eddie “is not about to work my ass off to support another man’s family.” Tamra doesn’t get it and just stares blankly at Eddie while Eddie lists a very valid series of points about Ryan’s shortcomings as an adult man. They agree that it will be a loan, though Tamra tells us that Ryan will never have to pay her back. Can’t wait to see what genre of cuisine these two will enjoy when Tamra tells Eddie that little tidbit.
Vicki and Briana talk about Briana’s upcoming visit back to the OC. Vicki assumes Briana will stay with her, but Briana wants a hotel to avoid Brooks at all costs. Brooks will be away on business, Vicki says, unsure of where the problem lies. Briana is unswayed and Vicki instantly loses it, swearing and asking if she wants to talk about this on-camera. Can I answer this, Vicki? Because, yes. Yes, I do want to see you defend your actions to your offspring while these cameras roll. Vicki storms out and demands that the producers cut the filming.
While the cameras pull back, they do keep rolling as Vick and Briana fight about how Brooks is traveling for work and it shouldn’t be an issue for the grandkids to stay. The biggest bombshell comes from Briana: “Mom, please. I’m a nurse. If you have stage three cancer and are on chemo, you don’t travel. If you get sick, you die. All the oncologists I work with say you don’t travel. So he should still be at the house.” Holy crap. Is Briana calling Brooks a liar about his cancer?! Unlike some two-bit charlatan psychic, this is some sound evidence that Vicki’s (now ex) boyfriend is lying. “Why do you have to storm out and act all crazy? Why are you flipping out over nothing?” Briana asks. “She’s thinking it’s going to make Brooks look bad if my family is forced to stay in a hotel. So I feel like my mom would rather me be the bad guy than Brooks look bad for another minute.” Wow. Nailed it, Briana.
Would you put on the Dubrow’s eye cream while sipping their methode champenoise? What do you think about Briana’s subtle allegations that Brooks doesn’t have cancer?