We open with Jim Edmond’s criticizing his wife’s cooking. Specifically, Meghan’s chopping abilities and methods. Hey Jim Edmonds: this woman is making you dinner. Does it matter how she cuts the ingredients? Across town, Shannon Beador and Heather Dubrow sit down to a lunch or a dinner or some meal where Shannon gets to order an overcomplicated vodka beverage. Heather thinks this is the perfect time to talk more about her leeches and her bleeding for 24 straight hours and her coagulation rate, so she does. While it’s a gross and obnoxious topic of conversation, it’s still better than listening to her go on about the struggles of building her mansion.
Next we ping-pong back and forth between ShanShan and Heather and Meggers and Jim Edmonds rehashing YET AGAIN the whole Meghan and Vicki drama about Brooks’ cancer or perhaps lack thereof. There’s a lot said, but nothing worth noting, and I’m left wanting to pull all of these women into a room, sit them down and quote Abilene from The Help: “Ain’t you tired?” When Jim Edmonds starts to make the most sense — by repeating various iterations of “stay out of it” — you know there’s a problem.
Meghan’s proud of the meal she made. “Only 290 calories, babe.” Jim Edmonds thinks there’s “probably 290 calories in that glass of red wine” she is drinking. Jim Edmonds is wrong; a glass of red typically has around 85 calories. “This is actually pretty good, babe,” Jim Edmonds says of Meghan’s meal. “Thanks, babe,” Meghan says. I hate hearing these two call each other “babe.”
We’re off to Choctaw, Oklahoma, where Vicki Gunvalson is visiting daughter Briana and her two grandchildren. Vicki’s in the middle of demanding that her one grandson essentially play harder and faster because a storm is coming. “Hurry up. Here, do it again,” she barks at this toddler, handing him balls and bats and whatnot. Briana and her husband, Ryan, figure out if they should ride out an impending tornado warning at a nice steak dinner downtown or in a cramped storm shelter in the floor of their garage. Vicki’s son-in-law shows her the shelter and she freaks out within a second, shrieking. “I don’t know what’s worse; being in a tornado or being in this storm shelter with the top closed,” she tells us. Vicki, what’s worse is listening to you say things like, “I’m scared. I want my mommy.”
Tamra and Eddie Judge go to meet “Pastor Mike” and talk about getting to know God a bit. Tamra tears up while discussing her custody battle but “the minute I went into the church, it all made sense to me.” Then of course Tamra brings up that “last night we did a sex party.” Sorry you have to suffer through this woman, Pastor Mike. Tamra asks what are the rules of being a good Christian, before we’re treated to a clip roll of her not being a good Christian from seasons past. Uplifting music swells as Pastor Mike tells her Jesus will forgive and love her, and were this anyone else I’d find it sweet. However, something tells me this is just a plot point Tamra cooked up for the season and getting baptized at her age — in front of TV cameras — feels less than sincere.
At dinner in Oklahoma, Briana tells us she misses her social life. Bravo interprets this as she misses partying, because they immediately show old footage of her smoking and drinking to excess. They’ve got no friends, but Ryan thinks it’s a blessing because they can rely on each other. Talk turns to who was sadder when Briana left the OC, and Vicki assures everyone it was Vicki. Briana would love to move back near her mother, but “there’s no way that’s going to happen with Brooks living with her. I think Brooks is a terrible person and my kids are never going to be around him.” (Well, now that he and Vicki split, perhaps Briana can go home.)
Meghan and Jim Edmonds are leaving a doctor after having a lump on Meghan’s chest checked out. Since cancer runs in her family, she’s hyper vigilant about any abnormalities. This lump wasn’t cancer, though Meghan had a test performed that can identify harmful changes in either one of the two main breast cancer susceptible genes. Meghan’s mom had a double mastectomy, prophylactically, so Meghan and her mom chat about what would happen should Meghan’s results come back positive. The conclusion: be ready to take the same action.
Heather and Terry Dubrow are in the back of a car discussing their leech wounds. Ugh. Put a leech on their mouths to prevent them from speaking. They’re on their way to meet a group of marketing people to talk about a new skin care line they’re launching. “This is something we’re both passionate about, but it’s also a great way to spend time together,” Heather tells us. Back up a sec. I sort of get why Terry, a medical doctor, would have a skin care line. But what the hell do you bring to this table, Heather? I thought you were an actress? I thought making sure the porte cochere is up to code was your full-time job? Now you’re going to hawk zit and eye cream?
NEXT: The Dubrows prepare to hawk zit and eye cream