Remember how Meghan King Edmonds told Vicki Gunvalson, “You’re an old woman who’s just bitter” last week? We pick up right here and Lizzie From Last Season thinks Meghan’s time to shut up is right now. You tell ‘em, LFLS. Great use of your limited airtime. The other ladies step in, attempting to diffuse this situation but it doesn’t take. These two keep going at each other’s throats until Vicki finally says she’s done. “You’re not coming from a good place,” she snipes at Meggers. “You’re just being nosy. Cheers to that. Let’s have a great lunch,” Vicki shuts her down.
Tamra Judge, Shannon Beador, and Vicki all go to the bathroom. Vicki “never wants to see that girl again,” she mutters on her way out. The remaining women crowd around a crying Meggers at the table, trying to console her. Vicki, in turn, cries to Tamra and Shannon. Well done, psychic from two episodes ago. Look at the ramifications of your fraudulent “reading.” Meggers scowls to LFLS that “Vicki is a bitch,” while Vicki shouts about health being a private matter in some wing of Heather’s marginally finished mansion. I say these two pick up some errant power tools and take this duel to the next level. Loser’s corpse is incorporated into a powder room or locker room or concrete floor or porte cochere. Vicki’s crocodile tears continue to not flow, and Tamra’s skepticism is mounting. “Every time someone brings up Brooks’ cancer, Vicki’s reaction is way over the top,” Tamra points out. “But I still support her.” Vicki shames everyone, literally, before storming out.
Moving on, TamTam announces she and Eddie are launching a new line of video workouts “with a sex tape.” She waits for the appropriate shocked reactions before explaining she’s just joshing. “I would never put out a sex tape.” Bravo refutes her statement by rolling some footage from 2011 of a nude Tamra in a bathtub getting it on with Eddie. Thank you, Bravo. “People are going to think we’re having sex, but it’s actually a workout.” In addition to being hackneyed, this sounds dumb as hell. Of course Tamra’s throwing a sex party where people should come dressed in “duct tape, bondage, and more.”
Shannon visits “Dr. Moon” though it’s unclear if this man’s medical degree is legit. He makes her move her tongue from side to side then helps her with emotional issues going on with her body. He pokes and prods her and I have no idea what this is all doing. I suspect Shannon doesn’t either. Then he wires her up and this starts to resemble some enhanced interrogation techniques I’ve read about declassified government documents. Vicki meets her kid Michael for a nice dinner out, where they talk about death, how Michael likes Brooks, how his sister Briana does not like Brooks, and inflatable boats.
Eddie and Tamra arrive at their sex party. Eddie’s shirt is more open than a cheesy nightclub owner, and he proceeds to stuff a pink dildo into his pants, which Tamra calls gross. Speaking of sex, let’s check in with the couple who’s definitely not having any: David and Shannon. David’s in the midst of apologizing for taking Shannon to a sports bar on her birthday. Again. “Are we good?” David asks at the end while kissing her face a bunch of times. No, David. You will never be good. Shannon gives an impassioned speech to us about what it means not to leave a spouse who cheats on you and how strong she is, but it’s all just sad. Madam, no one cares that you stayed when everyone else vehemently believes you should have left.
Back at Tamra’s sextravaganza, Tamra’s now in some lacy catsuit from Frederick’s of Hollywood (I assume) that Eddie wishes she would never remove. After showing off her nipple and vagina pasties, she tells us “I just want to have fun tonight.” Tamra, I just want you to put on more clothes. Jim Edmonds and Meghan are in the car on the way to the event, when Meghan FINALLY HAS ENOUGH OF HER HUSBAND’S ATTITUDE. “Why are you so crabby,” Meggers asks. Jim Edmonds denies he is. “Well, I don’t think you’re very nice,” Meghan tells him. Here’s where I straight up applaud loudly by myself on the couch. She tells him if you don’t have something nice to say, you don’t have to say anything, which is a new concept for Ole Jimbo Edmonds. Not one to be chided by his child bride, Jim Edmonds comes back over the top on Meghan about the way she says things and within second, SHE ends up apologizing. *Facepalm* These 15 seconds is a synopsis of their entire relationship, methinks.
Shannon with a weird wig and David, not in a costume—perhaps he’s going as a philanderer—walk in. The ladies promptly call Shannon “a little whore.” Mmkay. Heather arrives, pulling Terry around by a submissive collar. Vicki comes alone, in a white dress, which Meghan thinks is an odd fashion choice. “Vicki doesn’t look like she’s at a sex party. By Vicki wearing white, I think she’s trying to say she’s an angel but what she’s really saying is I’m an asshole because I’m showing up to a theme party and basically saying f— you to the theme party.” Make what you will of Meghan’s run-on sentence. And take that, theme party!
NEXT: A public viewing of the “sex tape”[pagebreak]
Tamra addresses the room to share the entirety of their marketing plan for launching their YouTube channel: “I was like what gets attention? A sex tape! So here you go.” There’s some horrible acting and Shannon and Heather are holding back from vomiting. The room applauds this though I don’t know why. Meghan thought this “was genius. I love it!” Riiiight. Now it’s time to eat sushi off a naked woman and someone’s husband jokes too loud and too seriously about eating the flowers off this models nipples. This is all cringe worthy. Of course Jim Edmonds is one of the only people standing up near this woman, chowing down like this is the Old Country Buffet. Tamra thinks a sex party is the perfect place to announce that tomorrow she’s going to see “my pasture” about getting baptized. I think the first thing you’ll have to do is call him by the correct title of “pastor,” TamTam.
Vicki sees blood on the front of Heather’s outfit and demands to know what Terry’s done to his wife. “Leeches” comes the reply. Oh Jesus. Is this vanity related? “You know how Demi Moore always looks like she’s 20?,” Heather begins. “She gets leeches on your stomach and they suck the blood out and they squeeze it out and put it on your face and you look young and fabulous.” Vicki’s horrified and contorted face is a mirror image of mine right now, minus the crazy eyes. That’s not the weirdest thing, though. That honor goes to Terry who proudly announces he does it, too. I wonder if they will build a whole room for leeches and leech-related beautification in the new manse. Apparently leeches leave an anticoagulant so you bleed a bunch afterward, which means Heather needs a second outfit. The women all go to the ladies room to swap clothes. “I feel like Meghan and I are starring in some weird porno slasher film.” Terry comes into the women’s room, because of course he does. Terry makes everyone see his wife’s bleeding abdomen and all the women slap the crap out of him while he laughs.
Vicki wants to send the naked sushi
plate girl to college to get a real job. “Get educated. Education. Hello??” Meghan, now in a bra, comes to hug Vicki, who calls her “not a nice person.” Now they play, “yes, I am” and “no, you’re not” for several rounds. Meghan’s cold as ice and has the perfect come back for every one of Vicki’s dumb comments. Meggers calls Jim Edmonds over to tell on Vicki. Jim Edmonds, you’ll remember, is the man who doesn’t really care about his wife or her emotional well-being, so it’ll be interesting to see what he’ll bring to this conversation. “Vicki just called me evil,” says Meghan. “You are,” Vicki reiterates. Shockingly, SHOCKINGLY, Jim Edmonds sort of sticks up for his wife, though he doesn’t rebut Vicki’s slanderous “she’s classless.” He trots out the party line of “This is none of my business,” and doesn’t waiver much from it.
Shannon and her purple hair and David are now involved. Meghan again claims the psychic as stating, “Brooks doesn’t have cancer.” THAT’S NOT WHAT THE PSYCHIC SAID, MEGHAN. YOU ARE MISQUOTING. HE SAID HE WASN’T SURE. Vicki goes shrill, Meghan calls her crazy, Vicki calls Meghan crazy and Jim Edmonds says “I get it” before pulling his wife away. “You are so birdbrained,” Meghan says while Jim Edmonds yanks her away. “I’m sorry for you,” Vicki tells him. Meghan tells Vicki “Bye Felicia” and walks away. (Brilliant use of “Bye Felicia,” Meghan.) Vicki will have to go home, put on her reading spectacles and Google what that phrase means before being able to be insulted by it.
Shannon asks Jim Edmonds what he would do if someone insinuated that his ex-wife doesn’t have cancer. “I would go to the doctor, ask for the files and show you them.” This is the only thing Jim Edmonds has said in 13 episodes that I can get behind wholeheartedly. “We’re different than that,” scoffs Vicki. Different than what? Logical? Now Meghan comes and pulls Jim Edmonds away. “Jim, talk to me in five years when you’re divorced.” Shots fired! “Don’t ever put me in that situation again,” he says to Meggers at the bar. “Don’t. I can do whatever I want. Yes, I can. Yes. Zip it. I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t really give a f—.” Meghan walks away to tell someone, “My husband is being a dick.” DING DING DING DING.
Vicki comes to apologize to Jim and Meghan says “we’re leaving” and Jim Edmonds complies. “I just wanted him to defend me. He did, but he’s also pissed that I wanted him to do that,” Meghan tells us. “Don’t make it a bigger deal, alright?” says Jim Edmonds. “She called me evil, crazy, little girl. Are you not offended?” she asks. “I don’t care, so it’s not offensive.” Meghan, maybe you should’ve gone home with Vicki. She may have been a little nicer to you. Meghan APOLOGIZES for pulling Jim Edmonds into this drama. Sheesh.
What did you think about Tamra and Eddie’s “sex tape”? Who won this round; Meghan or Vicki?