Remember how Meghan King Edmonds told Vicki Gunvalson, “You’re an old woman who’s just bitter” last week? We pick up right here and Lizzie From Last Season thinks Meghan’s time to shut up is right now. You tell ‘em, LFLS. Great use of your limited airtime. The other ladies step in, attempting to diffuse this situation but it doesn’t take. These two keep going at each other’s throats until Vicki finally says she’s done. “You’re not coming from a good place,” she snipes at Meggers. “You’re just being nosy. Cheers to that. Let’s have a great lunch,” Vicki shuts her down.
Tamra Judge, Shannon Beador, and Vicki all go to the bathroom. Vicki “never wants to see that girl again,” she mutters on her way out. The remaining women crowd around a crying Meggers at the table, trying to console her. Vicki, in turn, cries to Tamra and Shannon. Well done, psychic from two episodes ago. Look at the ramifications of your fraudulent “reading.” Meggers scowls to LFLS that “Vicki is a bitch,” while Vicki shouts about health being a private matter in some wing of Heather’s marginally finished mansion. I say these two pick up some errant power tools and take this duel to the next level. Loser’s corpse is incorporated into a powder room or locker room or concrete floor or porte cochere. Vicki’s crocodile tears continue to not flow, and Tamra’s skepticism is mounting. “Every time someone brings up Brooks’ cancer, Vicki’s reaction is way over the top,” Tamra points out. “But I still support her.” Vicki shames everyone, literally, before storming out.
Moving on, TamTam announces she and Eddie are launching a new line of video workouts “with a sex tape.” She waits for the appropriate shocked reactions before explaining she’s just joshing. “I would never put out a sex tape.” Bravo refutes her statement by rolling some footage from 2011 of a nude Tamra in a bathtub getting it on with Eddie. Thank you, Bravo. “People are going to think we’re having sex, but it’s actually a workout.” In addition to being hackneyed, this sounds dumb as hell. Of course Tamra’s throwing a sex party where people should come dressed in “duct tape, bondage, and more.”
Shannon visits “Dr. Moon” though it’s unclear if this man’s medical degree is legit. He makes her move her tongue from side to side then helps her with emotional issues going on with her body. He pokes and prods her and I have no idea what this is all doing. I suspect Shannon doesn’t either. Then he wires her up and this starts to resemble some enhanced interrogation techniques I’ve read about declassified government documents. Vicki meets her kid Michael for a nice dinner out, where they talk about death, how Michael likes Brooks, how his sister Briana does not like Brooks, and inflatable boats.
Eddie and Tamra arrive at their sex party. Eddie’s shirt is more open than a cheesy nightclub owner, and he proceeds to stuff a pink dildo into his pants, which Tamra calls gross. Speaking of sex, let’s check in with the couple who’s definitely not having any: David and Shannon. David’s in the midst of apologizing for taking Shannon to a sports bar on her birthday. Again. “Are we good?” David asks at the end while kissing her face a bunch of times. No, David. You will never be good. Shannon gives an impassioned speech to us about what it means not to leave a spouse who cheats on you and how strong she is, but it’s all just sad. Madam, no one cares that you stayed when everyone else vehemently believes you should have left.
Back at Tamra’s sextravaganza, Tamra’s now in some lacy catsuit from Frederick’s of Hollywood (I assume) that Eddie wishes she would never remove. After showing off her nipple and vagina pasties, she tells us “I just want to have fun tonight.” Tamra, I just want you to put on more clothes. Jim Edmonds and Meghan are in the car on the way to the event, when Meghan FINALLY HAS ENOUGH OF HER HUSBAND’S ATTITUDE. “Why are you so crabby,” Meggers asks. Jim Edmonds denies he is. “Well, I don’t think you’re very nice,” Meghan tells him. Here’s where I straight up applaud loudly by myself on the couch. She tells him if you don’t have something nice to say, you don’t have to say anything, which is a new concept for Ole Jimbo Edmonds. Not one to be chided by his child bride, Jim Edmonds comes back over the top on Meghan about the way she says things and within second, SHE ends up apologizing. *Facepalm* These 15 seconds is a synopsis of their entire relationship, methinks.
Shannon with a weird wig and David, not in a costume—perhaps he’s going as a philanderer—walk in. The ladies promptly call Shannon “a little whore.” Mmkay. Heather arrives, pulling Terry around by a submissive collar. Vicki comes alone, in a white dress, which Meghan thinks is an odd fashion choice. “Vicki doesn’t look like she’s at a sex party. By Vicki wearing white, I think she’s trying to say she’s an angel but what she’s really saying is I’m an asshole because I’m showing up to a theme party and basically saying f— you to the theme party.” Make what you will of Meghan’s run-on sentence. And take that, theme party!
NEXT: A public viewing of the “sex tape”