After drinking 90 percent of the alcohol on the isle of Mo’orea, Vicki, Tamra, and Shannon are rather unwell the following morning. “I feel like nine miles of dogs—,” Tamra says, climbing into Vicki’s bed while Vicki repeatedly asks her to leave. Shannon, also clinging to life, wakes up in a sea of candy wrappers, while Meghan wakes up cheerfully and chirps that youth has perks, such as not being hungover. Heather barges in because they are all to go scuba diving. Tamra doesn’t want to go unless Heather’s packing diapers, “because I can’t stop sh—-ing.” Tamra, you have all the charm of a toxic waste dump. Vicki also doesn’t want to go so she feigns vomiting in the bathroom until the other two leave.
Tamra, Lizzie From Last Season, Heather, and Meghan set out on the scuba boat, clapping in unison as though this is cheer squad practice. This isn’t traditional scuba diving as they’ll be wearing a dive helmet because this is 1881/the bottom of a chinsy fish tank. The women don’t understand how the helmet works and Heather wants to Google it, but doesn’t have her phone. Down she goes and doesn’t drown, so she is pleased. Tamra and Meghan stay in the boat, where Tamra complains about everything from the smell of the helmet to how poorly she feels. Then Tamra mentions Jim Edmonds’ second wife, Allison, who Meghan doesn’t have a relationship with since “she’s a very unhappy person,” according to Meggers. Tamra brings up the whole you-can’t-be-a-mom-unless-it’s-biological thread again, drawing the biggest grimace from Meghan, and starts to talk about Heather’s alleged friendship with Allison. Meghan doesn’t want to go there and shuts Tamra down, and I’m thankful because I was about to get out a bunch of string, pins, and photos of these women just to keep all these beefs straight.
With LFLS and Heather back on the boat, it’s time for the other two to dive. Tamra still doesn’t want to go because “there’s nothing good about putting a huge weighted helmet on your head, pushing you to the bottom of the ocean. Isn’t that how the mafia kills people?” Man, if the mafia kills people by bringing them to French Polynesia, taking them down to pet a stingray or two and feed a school of fish, sign me up. That’s a pretty good way to go. Back at the resort, Vicki and Shannon head to the beach to sit around in matching white cover-ups and order the staff to fetch them more booze. AS IF THERE’S ANY LEFT WITHIN 10 MILES. Vicki doesn’t “know what happened to us last night. I was just doing one little shot. I don’t drink like that.” Yes, you do. Bravo has 10 seasons of footage of you pounding alcohol like a third runner-up in a Senior Frogs’ wet T-shirt contest.
Libations back in hand, talk turns to Shannon’s sham of a marriage. Vicki, who is not a marriage counselor, reminds Shan of “the fact that chances are pretty high that one person will be unfaithful during a marriage.” Cite your source, Gunvalson. The dramatic piano music swells as Shannon wells up, talking about the hard times and Vicki “really being there” for her. Vicki nods sympathetically before asking how long this horrid affair lasted. Eight months, comes the reply. We now learn the woman had the audacity to befriend Shannon and inquire about her marriage while sleeping with David. Yikes. “That’s f—ed up,” Shannon tells us. Indeed, but taking David back after all of that is more twisted, ShanShan.
Vacation Shannon informs us to mark her words: “I’m going to be able to say this was the best thing to happen to our marriage one day.” Okay. I’m marking them here in the annals of Entertainment Weekly, because I highly doubt you will ever be able to say that, Mrs. Beador. “Relationships are tough!” says Vicki. “You know, Don was unfaithful on me and then I became unfaithful on him.” But it didn’t matter who was unfaithful “on” whom; what Vicki’s really peeved about is having to split her finances and pay alimony. No wonder she hates gold diggers; she’s currently financing one. Maybe redirect all that ire you have for Meghan over at Don, Vicki.
That night, the girls all go to dinner at the resort. There’s a fire dance from the locals, which impresses the girls, though Tamra is looking for more “wieners.” Sigh. “You should not toss fire with your wiener hanging out because it will catch on fire.” That is not accurate, but it’s good to be cautious, I suppose. Meghan asks if anyone talked about her last night, knowing full well they did. There’s silence as everyone eyes their glasses. “I don’t remember last night,” someone says, though Tamra steps up to the plate and admits it again in front of the whole group. Then Vicki jumps in and we’re right back to the argument about raising kids. Vicki uses a hypothetical wherein she calls Meghan disrespectful for wanting to love her stepkids, and uses the fake scenario to outright say, “Back off, bitch” to Meghan’s face. Vicki’s allowed to be this passionate because her kids came out of her womb!
Now Heather’s relationship with Jim Edmonds’ second ex wife is being trotted out and Heather uses this moment to confront Shannon about calling her a horrible person. Then we play “that’s not what I said!” for a few rounds. Flashbacks give us some clarity, but not to these women in this moment. Instead of addressing her gossiping, Shannon attacks Tamra, squealing, “Honestly, can’t I have a fun night with you?” So we’re clear, Vacation Shannon, your idea of fun is smack-talking other women behind their backs and downing a bottle of vodka? Got it.
NEXT: LFLS speaks! [pagebreak]
Tamra thinks it’s all above board to reveal the topics from a private dinner (recorded by a film crew), and she’s not wrong. Dinner comes and everyone passive aggressively stares at one another. Vicki and Tamra “go potty” to talk about Heather, who knows precisely what’s happening. Tamra, who doesn’t want to talk about anyone, continues to talk about Heather and Shannon. Heather heads into the women’s room and there must be a rule that if ever three or more Housewives congregate, Bravo is legally allowed to film them, because suddenly we’re also inside this public restroom. Next we’re treated to a dissertation on girl code yet again. Judging by all these discussions, I think girl code may be more serious than omerta. Break it and they whack you via a diving helmet excursion.
At the table, LFLS says, “When other people aren’t honest, it affects everyone.” Brilliant addition, LFLS. Shannon uses this time to say that Tamra’s a “pot stirrer” at least 5 trillion times. Shannon’s eyes go all judgy, and Meghan instantly calls her out. Shannon protests, though she’s a really bad liar. Heather and Tamra and Vicki end their bathroom convo before coming back and fibbing about a long line in the bathroom. There’s a toast to the last night in Mo’orea and probably time for one more fight. They bring two bottles of bubbly back to their rooms because of course they do. Tamra drives her golf cart into the other golf cart and Meghan outs Shannon for talking smack about Tamra, which fires Tamra up even more.
There’s a quick golf cart race, shot with some GoPros affixed to the carts and it may have been my favorite footage from the whole season thus far. I would watch a series of drunken Housewives racing these carts around tropical courses. Wouldn’t you? Reunited, Tamra waits literally one nanosecond before dropping “pot stirrer” to Shannon, who flashes the judgiest of judgy eyes at Meghan. Back to the room to continue this pointlessness. Shannon gets all preachy and declares everyone to be a pot stirrer. Then Meghan coldly says, “Like you, Shannon.” Dayum, Meggers. Where’d this ‘tude come from and why didn’t you unleash it at Vicki during the last few days?
Shannon continues her rant when Meghan interrupts to icily say, “Just walk out. That’s what you’ve done to me before.” Meghan #MicDropper Edmonds, everyone. Shannon does in fact leave. Vicki follows suit and soon the group is again in two factions. LFLS thinks Meghan should “shut up.” Two for two, LFLS! Heather thinks everyone should regroup in the morning. The next day, the ladies pack up and ferry to Tahiti. Between the six of them, they have three bottles of champagne, which seems light for this bunch. There’ll be one last night sunset dinner. I wonder if there’ll be liquor?
During the voyage, Vicki announces she’ll be buying her kid a new car because her kid is unhappy. Tamra thinks this is cool, because “it even says in the Bible that you should make your family happy.” Tamra learned this not by reading the Bible itself, but by reading The Bible for Dummies, uncovered in her luggage by Heather. If ever there were a more fitting series for Tamra to be reading… Vicki uses this beautiful ferry ride to attack Meghan’s lackadaisical parenting style, saying homeschooling stepkid Hayley is “creating a monster.” Meghan has some comebacks, but they’re weak and she only says them to the camera; not to Vicki’s face. Shame.
Shannon gets a call from David. She’s elated that he texted her “xoxo” because (insert therapy speak here). Time for dinner on the beach, which means Meghan needs to put on a headband the size of Tahiti, bedazzled out the wazoo. Tamra and I both think she looks like a Stevie. Tamra says Nicks, I say Van Zandt. Either way, a photo of Meghan in this monstrosity would perfectly complete the definition of “gaudy.” Meghan and her 18 miles of neon pink bejeweled hair accessory apologize to Shannon, which was the last thing Ole ShanShan expected. “We’ll soon see if that apology was genuine,” Shannon tells us, though she says the last word like an old timey prospector. The conversation turns to Brooks and Vicki’s relationship with him. Some uplifting music crescendos and Vicki maybe cries (did anyone see real tears?) and gives everyone a toast.
If anyone at Bravo is reading these, can we please start a Real Drunk Housewives: Golf Cart Races show? Housewife fans, are you Team Vicki or Team Meghan? How much more do you think producers will try to squeeze out of Shannon’s troubled marriage?