After drinking 90 percent of the alcohol on the isle of Mo’orea, Vicki, Tamra, and Shannon are rather unwell the following morning. “I feel like nine miles of dogs—,” Tamra says, climbing into Vicki’s bed while Vicki repeatedly asks her to leave. Shannon, also clinging to life, wakes up in a sea of candy wrappers, while Meghan wakes up cheerfully and chirps that youth has perks, such as not being hungover. Heather barges in because they are all to go scuba diving. Tamra doesn’t want to go unless Heather’s packing diapers, “because I can’t stop sh—-ing.” Tamra, you have all the charm of a toxic waste dump. Vicki also doesn’t want to go so she feigns vomiting in the bathroom until the other two leave.
Tamra, Lizzie From Last Season, Heather, and Meghan set out on the scuba boat, clapping in unison as though this is cheer squad practice. This isn’t traditional scuba diving as they’ll be wearing a dive helmet because this is 1881/the bottom of a chinsy fish tank. The women don’t understand how the helmet works and Heather wants to Google it, but doesn’t have her phone. Down she goes and doesn’t drown, so she is pleased. Tamra and Meghan stay in the boat, where Tamra complains about everything from the smell of the helmet to how poorly she feels. Then Tamra mentions Jim Edmonds’ second wife, Allison, who Meghan doesn’t have a relationship with since “she’s a very unhappy person,” according to Meggers. Tamra brings up the whole you-can’t-be-a-mom-unless-it’s-biological thread again, drawing the biggest grimace from Meghan, and starts to talk about Heather’s alleged friendship with Allison. Meghan doesn’t want to go there and shuts Tamra down, and I’m thankful because I was about to get out a bunch of string, pins, and photos of these women just to keep all these beefs straight.
With LFLS and Heather back on the boat, it’s time for the other two to dive. Tamra still doesn’t want to go because “there’s nothing good about putting a huge weighted helmet on your head, pushing you to the bottom of the ocean. Isn’t that how the mafia kills people?” Man, if the mafia kills people by bringing them to French Polynesia, taking them down to pet a stingray or two and feed a school of fish, sign me up. That’s a pretty good way to go. Back at the resort, Vicki and Shannon head to the beach to sit around in matching white cover-ups and order the staff to fetch them more booze. AS IF THERE’S ANY LEFT WITHIN 10 MILES. Vicki doesn’t “know what happened to us last night. I was just doing one little shot. I don’t drink like that.” Yes, you do. Bravo has 10 seasons of footage of you pounding alcohol like a third runner-up in a Senior Frogs’ wet T-shirt contest.
Libations back in hand, talk turns to Shannon’s sham of a marriage. Vicki, who is not a marriage counselor, reminds Shan of “the fact that chances are pretty high that one person will be unfaithful during a marriage.” Cite your source, Gunvalson. The dramatic piano music swells as Shannon wells up, talking about the hard times and Vicki “really being there” for her. Vicki nods sympathetically before asking how long this horrid affair lasted. Eight months, comes the reply. We now learn the woman had the audacity to befriend Shannon and inquire about her marriage while sleeping with David. Yikes. “That’s f—ed up,” Shannon tells us. Indeed, but taking David back after all of that is more twisted, ShanShan.
Vacation Shannon informs us to mark her words: “I’m going to be able to say this was the best thing to happen to our marriage one day.” Okay. I’m marking them here in the annals of Entertainment Weekly, because I highly doubt you will ever be able to say that, Mrs. Beador. “Relationships are tough!” says Vicki. “You know, Don was unfaithful on me and then I became unfaithful on him.” But it didn’t matter who was unfaithful “on” whom; what Vicki’s really peeved about is having to split her finances and pay alimony. No wonder she hates gold diggers; she’s currently financing one. Maybe redirect all that ire you have for Meghan over at Don, Vicki.
That night, the girls all go to dinner at the resort. There’s a fire dance from the locals, which impresses the girls, though Tamra is looking for more “wieners.” Sigh. “You should not toss fire with your wiener hanging out because it will catch on fire.” That is not accurate, but it’s good to be cautious, I suppose. Meghan asks if anyone talked about her last night, knowing full well they did. There’s silence as everyone eyes their glasses. “I don’t remember last night,” someone says, though Tamra steps up to the plate and admits it again in front of the whole group. Then Vicki jumps in and we’re right back to the argument about raising kids. Vicki uses a hypothetical wherein she calls Meghan disrespectful for wanting to love her stepkids, and uses the fake scenario to outright say, “Back off, bitch” to Meghan’s face. Vicki’s allowed to be this passionate because her kids came out of her womb!
Now Heather’s relationship with Jim Edmonds’ second ex wife is being trotted out and Heather uses this moment to confront Shannon about calling her a horrible person. Then we play “that’s not what I said!” for a few rounds. Flashbacks give us some clarity, but not to these women in this moment. Instead of addressing her gossiping, Shannon attacks Tamra, squealing, “Honestly, can’t I have a fun night with you?” So we’re clear, Vacation Shannon, your idea of fun is smack-talking other women behind their backs and downing a bottle of vodka? Got it.
NEXT: LFLS speaks!