The ladies say adios to Mexico — and 100 percent of the chill they found there.
Despite my greatest hopes, the Housewives have departed Punta Mita, even though every single second of their trip was absolute GOLD. (Next time you’re in a bad mood, simply cue up the footage of Dorinda forcibly putting Bethenny’s bikini on Sonja while Sonja repeatedly slurs, “Not my pants.” Instantaneous joy.)
So we’re home in New York City, where there is considerably less tequila and Bethenny is back to saying things like “p—y sauna” and “I’m having an anxiety attack.” (Dios mio, GO BACK TO MEXICO.) Side note, and I just want to put this out there and maybe we’ll come back to it later, but does Carole seem just the tiniest bit over the Bethenny Show these days? She was pretty squarely on Team Dorinda when Dorinda (I guess?) derisively thanked Bethenny for the “Skinnygirl day” (I’m still confused about this — wasn’t it a Skinnygirl day? Why was this offensive?), and this week, she says of Bethenny’s endless apartment complaining, “Champagne problems cause stress just like any other problem, I get it.” I’m pro the Carthenny friendship — every gal needs another gal in her corner who unconditionally loves and supports her no matter what — but I wouldn’t be surprised if next season we look back on a broken friendship and can point to these very moments as when the cracks started to show. (Later in the episode, Bethenny jokingly refers to “Tinsley” as Carole’s bestie, so she’s feeling it, too.)
Carole and Bethenny start talking about Tinsley’s new man, which leaves me the perfect opening to also talk about him: He seems lovely enough for someone we’ve met only once. You know who’s also met him only a little more than once? Tinsley — and already she’s talking about marriage. Or, to be more precise, she’s always talking about marriage and doesn’t seem to care much who it is she marries. Girl. GIRL. Being single is not that bad, and it’s certainly better than hitching your wagon to someone you don’t know very well. This makes me worry for her, even though I’m sure all that Coupon Cabin cash will keep her stocked in affordable $700 dresses and fake eyelashes — but fake eyelashes do not buy happiness, Tin Tin! (Also, hands up if the Coupon Cabin commercial starring Carole and Tinsley made you roll your eyes harder than that time Luann said her husband was her rose.)
Speaking of that rose, it’s pretty hard to hear Luann talking about how in sync she and Tom are now that we know they’re kaput. And thank goodness — he was no good, Lu! I’m hoping she goes full-on New York divorcée, meaning way more drinking and falling in bushes. “I was on a mission to make this work,” she says, “and I did.” So she and Tinsley are of the same mind, that getting a ring on your finger and appearing happy is somehow more important than actually being happy, and I. DO. NOT. GET. THAT. Not to get all deep, because RHONY is my happy place, but being in a bad relationship is approximately 4 gajillion times worse than being in no relationship. Andy Cohen, can you please get Tinsley and Luann a spinoff that requires them to be single (think Relationshep meets Thelma & Louise with at least half an hour per episode devoted to bickering over the geographical boundaries of Palm Beach)? Thank you so much.
Over at Sonja’s, Ramona’s come by to check out her BFF’s redecorating. Sonja tells us that she really didn’t want to change anything in her house until her daughter was “stable” (help, does anyone know what this means?), but then “sexy Frenchie” came along and wanted to change things, so oh well, which is pretty much the worst thing a kid can hear from her parent. Tinsley’s moved out and Sonja says she misses her. (It’s possible I blacked out and misheard her, but I’m pretty sure that’s what she said.) Oh wait, a second later she’s back to trash-talking Tins’ lack of gratitude, so okay, we’re back on track. Sonja’s not interested in the party Tinsley is throwing her, which gives Ramona a nice opp to inflict some girl-on-girl crime to make sure Sonja knows which side her bread is buttered. (Tinsley is apparently self-absorbed, Pot said to Kettle.)
Bethenny’s invited an NHL player over to her new apartment, where he takes out his tooth so that he can eat a corned beef sandwich. (I have nothing else to say about that but really wanted to string all those words together in a sentence.) Then she does cartwheels in her 4,200-square-foot apartment — so apparently she’s over last week’s breakdown/humblebrag over not wanting to show off to the less-successful girls, and honestly? Good for her. I’d do cartwheels in that apartment, too. In the spirit of sisterhood, I’m currently doing somersaults in my lobby, which is the only place there’s enough room.
Next up in RHONY: New Home Edition, Tinsley is living at a hotel and Carole is really impressed with it because apparently she doesn’t realize that people who stay in hotel rooms have nothing to do with furnishing them. And Carole’s boyfriend Adam describes his own new place as “chic as f—,” which makes him officially the most annoying person in this episode so far.
Tinsley throws a nice, low-key party at a dive bar to thank Sonja for her hospitality (just kidding, she got a tiered cake, Sonja-tinis and T-shirts that say “Thank you, Sonja” on the front and “XOXO Tinsley” on the back). Sonja shows up, and Ramona gets busy playing Sonja and Tinsley against each other because she apparently forgot that her every move is being filmed. (You know who didn’t forget that his every move is being filmed? That no good Tom, who takes off his mic so he doesn’t get caught hitting on someone who is not Luann. WE SEE YOU, TOM.)
Sonja’s late to her party because Frenchie was busy “tossing her like a salad.” Bye. She’s also decided that she’s sort of had it with Tinsley and refuses to go deeper with her or sit on the toilet and talk to her. (Bye again.) Then she comes around and cries and dances and officially loves Tinsley again because she gave her a $5,000 gift certificate to Bergdorf’s, which, not gonna lie, I completely understand.
Until the reunion…where we can only hope Andy plies the women with a whole lot of tequila and Sonja tries to make out with Bethenny again.