Last week on Watch What Happens Live, Andy Cohen teased that this episode of RHONY was in the top five best episodes in the series. ANDY COHEN SPEAKS THE TRUTH. I don’t even know how to fully recap this since most of the language is, shall we say, colorful. And I mean with a big, big C.
We open right back at the Berkshires, and you can tell it’s a dramatic episode because it’s time stamped. It’s basically like an episode of 24 with fur vests and vaginal rejuvenation. Bethenny and Luann are still in their Who-Invented-Skinnygirl fight. It sorta ends and it seems like everything is fine. Then Bethenny calls Luann a “plastic f— doll,” which doesn’t really seem like there’s water under the bridge.
Then, the battle royale begins. I mean I have seen fights on this show before. Bethenny vs. Kelly. Heather vs. Luann. But this is like nothing I have seen before. Bethenny goes in HAAAAAAARD on Luann. She all but makes Luann do the Cersei Lannister walk of shame through the streets of the Berkshires. She calls out the Countess on the rounds and rounds of sex she’s been having but then acts like she’s so prim and proper. Bethenny basically becomes like Jean Grey/Dark Phoenix. She all but ignites herself on fire. You can sum up the fight by this quote that Bethenny throws at Luann: “You f— everyone!” Happy holidays!
So apparently Bethenny’s friend saw Luann go after Tom like right after he broke up with Ramona. She said something to the effect of, “My turn!” Tom is basically the equivalent of an Upper East Side mechanical bull.
While this is happening, Dorinda’s housekeeper, Len, is just like chillin’ in the kitchen arranging the deli meats in a jazzy bell-sleeve blouse. I feel like Len is the new Pickles. I hope she doesn’t disappear.
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Jules actually runs out of the room because, as we learned last week, she doesn’t like conflict. I couldn’t tell if she covered her “facial” but she didn’t bump into any walls so I’m feeling like no. Luann then starts saying that Bethenny copied her hairdo, which could be a fair point. They don’t look dissimilar. Bethenny finally walks away after dropping a lot of “whore,” “slut,” and a word that rhymes with “stunt.” Luann, ever the hip wordsmith, then attempts to call Bethenny a “beyotch” but comes closer to saying “baaayatch.”
NEXT: Meanwhile on the UES…[pagebreak]
Bethenny goes upstairs to cool off, and Luann heads outside. Poor Jules is trying to talk to her very ill father, but Luann has zero interest. She just wants to discuss being called a slut. Obvs, she’s still wearing a big chunky statement necklace. Dorinda comes downstairs to check on things, and Luann is adamant that Dorinda, as the hostess, must make everything right.
But then the Countess makes the gravest mistake: mocking the birthday cake that Dorinda’s mother made her. Well, this just makes Dorinda go completely h.a.m. So then Dorinda starts screaming about how much she’s cooked and prepared and how inappropriate everyone is acting. While she’s doing this, she’s also holding onto a more-than half empty bottle of white wine, which could account for everyone’s insanity. We then get a time stamp of 4:55 p.m. It’s been less than two hours!!!! They wouldn’t even be halfway through The Revenant at this point!
Jules attempts to distract by asking Dorinda about her pool and wondering if they should all go swimming. I believe it’s December, but okay, Jules. Then, Luann suggests a game of charades. I’m not sure these women should be making gestures and screaming at each other but okay, Luann. Finally, Lu calms herself down by quoting… herself in a little ditty you may know as “Chic c’est la vie.” Jules invites everyone to exchange gifts. She’s brought along a slew of games, including something called Fail. A wee bit on the nose but I appreciate the thought.
Clearly giving zero f—s, Len brings some tea to Bethenny. The brand name? “Easy Now.” I love Len.
While all this is going on, Sonja is on the Upper East Side wearing a jaunty hat and getting her vagina rejuvenated. As she puts it, “The only thing worse than trout mouth is trout sn—-.” So we then basically watch Sonja be entered by a laser-spewing dildo and wince in pain. Happy holidays!!
Back at the Berkshires, Ramona keeps changing the number of times she went on dates with Tom. It’s somewhere between 6-8, which makes me think it’s actually either 2-3, or like 12-14. That’s Ramona math. Ramona and Luann talk about Carole and how she’s still upset that Luann called her a pedophile. While this convo is happening, Carole is in the next room eavesdropping and hiding with Jules in a closet. It’s made more pleasant though by the fact that Jules finds a real cute pink cowboy hat and puts it on. Luann then texts Carole, who again is in the next room, an apology.
Luann eventually then sends a similar text to Bethenny, who is upstairs laying down in a onesie. It should be noted that in this brief window of fighting, Luann has changed her top at least two times. At one point, she’s wearing a fur vest and then at another point she’s wearing an item from her clothing collection. She’s bitching yet again to Ramona about Bethenny, and, obviously, Bethenny walks in at that exact moment. This episode will go down in history. This is the Red Wedding of RHONY.