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'RHONY' recap: 'Always the Bitch, Never the Bride'

Posted on

Bravo

The Real Housewives of New York City

type:
TV Show
Current Status:
In Season
seasons:
7
run date:
03/04/08
distributor:
Bravo
broadcaster:
Bravo
genre:
Reality TV

Lately, the Housewives franchise are like accidentally tuning in for an episode of Chicago Med. Lotta health scares. Obvs, Bravo fans spent the first half of this year learning how to spell Munchausen after the whole Yolanda Foster situation on RHOBH. Now, Jules has a scrape on her vagina and Bethenny is profusely bleeding out of her lady area. Bravo may need its own official doctor — and someone who’s not Terry Dubrow.

We begin with Carole bringing her new little dog Baby to a photo shoot for, yes, a dog wedding. I don’t fully understand the logistics but The Fat Jew’s dog is apparently marrying a dog owned by someone named Amanda Hearst. I’m guessing she’s in the Hearst family, but her actual importance is never really laid out. Baby is a bridesmaid in the wedding, so she’s involved in all this hoopla. The photo shoot is all the dogs on an inflatable swan for no discernable reason, surrounded by bottles of rosé. Carole is told the wedding will be featured in Vanity Fair, which totally bums her out because VF snubbed her nuptials.

Sonja and Ramona finally reunite and actually laugh together. Ramona comes to Sonja’s house and they lie in bed together, which Sonja insists is special since she never makes the bed (#GreyGardens). She also announces she’s stopped drinking but like has all these bruises on her face from injections. Anyways. They basically prep for Sonja’s big apology to Bethenny. She says that her partners still won’t take “girl” out of the “Tipsy Girl” name, but she wants to make sure Bethenny knows she’s sorry. So she and Ramona role-play in the bedroom. I had trouble concentrating on much of this since it took place in front of a large portrait of Sonja, squatting on a park blanket. I would like more details on that painting please. Kthnx. But basically Ramona did her best “Bethenny,” which involved a good deal of side-eye and talking really fast. It was not very good.

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Meanwhile, Jules and Dorinda go shopping and Dorinda drops some Housewives wisdom on Jules: pace your drinking on this upcoming Mexico trip. Dorinda definitely knows something about having a martini-fueled breakdown so she tells Jules to watch her sauce intake.

NEXT: Dorinda is the Real MVP[pagebreak]​

But the big story of this episode was Bethenny’s health. Last week, she told Luann she was bleeding like crazy and was seeing her doctor the next day. Then, we see her having drinks with Carole and saying how much she’s bleeding and that she’s seeing the doctor the next day. Then, she goes shopping with Dorinda and tells her she’s bleeding profusely and she’s going to see the doctor later. JUST GO SEE THE FRIGGIN’ DOCTOR AND STOP MEETING THESE WOMEN FOR PINOT NOIR.

So in between picking out linens for Dorinda’s apartment, Bethenny gets seriously ill and Dorinda offers to go with her to the doctor. This is the Dorinda that I love. It’s the Dorinda who went with Carole to London to retrieve her husband’s ashes. She’s a good friend to have in emotional, scary moments. The doctor tells Bethenny that she’s lost 10 percent of her blood and that she needs to have surgery to have fibroids removed and another option may be a hysterectomy. It’s all very sad and serious, but of course Bethenny is able to add levity: “All roads lead to my vagina.”

Speaking of vaginas (I never thought I’d ever say that), Jules invites Sonja over to get glammed up for the dog wedding and reveals that she injured her lady bits by crawling through a window. It’s not made clear as to why, but Sonja looks at a photo of it and nearly projectile vomits. So I’m guessing it’s not good. But I also have zero idea what a normal vagina looks like soooooo….

The time finally comes for the aforementioned dog wedding. It’s a high-class affair at The Highline Hotel. Basically, everyone comments that it’s nicer than their own weddings. The bride dog wears a custom Marchesa gown, and Cindy Adams is the officiate. Ramona shows up basically as the vows are being said and seems confounded by the entire affair. But Carole insists it made $10k for puppy mill rescues. Seems like kind of a small amount given that there are like 300 people at this wedding. But I’m guessing all their dogs didn’t contribute to the bottom line.

Dorinda tells everyone that the Mexico trip is off because of Bethenny’s health. Ramona is instantly bummed because she has just bought a new bathing suit and took a selfie of it. Lotta work went into that outfit. And Dorinda brings up how everyone’s vaginas are causing a lot of problems. Next week’s teasers do not outright mention “vagina,” so it’s unclear if anyone is newly injured/diagnosed. Stay tuned.  

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