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Real Housewives of New York City recap: Steel Calzones

Jules makes a bizarre calzone and Bethenny gets troubling medical news

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The Real Housewives of New York City

TV Show
Reality TV
run date:
Current Status:
In Season

The season of the vagina continues, for better or worse. RHONY is on its way to doing for vagina issues what RHOBH did for Lyme disease. But while only one gal was affected by Lyme disease in Bev Hills, it seems basically half the women in New York are chatting about vag probs. BTW, if Luann is reading this (she’s likely not), “Vag Problems” would be a good new single to release.

So we open with the VP of Vag Problems, Jules, arriving to meet the girls at a pizza place. She immediately begins talking about her lady parts to whoever will listen, which is basically the manager and maybe the busboy. Eventually, Dorinda and Bethenny — President of Vag Problems — show up and Jules whips out her phone to show everyone the cut to her lady business. I’m not sure a wounded genital area is something people want to see before making personal pizzas, but who am I to judge? Ramona and Carole finally arrive as well. As usual, Carole walks in with headphones in her ears because, guys, she’s really cool, lives downtown and dates someone young. She can’t just show up without listening to music.

Finally, the ladies start making pizzas. Jules teases she’s going to throw in some Percocet and Lidocaine in her calzone. Basically, Jules is PACKING drugs. This vagina injury has turned her into Jules Full of Grace. Talk once again returns to her eating disorder when she tells Carole she’s 115 pounds, which is LUDICROUS. That’s like saying Ramona is a slow talker. Watching Jules take a bite of pizza is like watching one of those Survivor challenges where the contestants have to eat squid poop. Then, there’s this truly insane moment where the calzone Jules made comes out of the oven, and they cut it open to find it’s filled with table utensils, including a fork and knife. It seems like she was both trying to sabotage her own food and also high as a kite. I mean, the gurl is packing a pharmacy in her bag. Also, I can’t imagine the restaurant is psyched their utensils are being baked — coupled with the fact Ramona leaves early and takes a plate with her. A. Plate.

Carole and Adam go out for a double date with a cameo-ing Heather Thomson. The Yummy Tummy creator walked away from the show last year. I kinda miss her, but this double date was super snoozy. They all go ice skating and Carole talks about her vegan cookbook, another topic I would prefer never gets discussed again. This is, once again, not the best season for Carole. Last year was rough, but I think was redeemed by her trip to London. This one might be her worst.

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Dorinda heads over to Jules’ house after the pizza party/drug rave. Jules seems really hurt by Bethenny’s and Carole’s attitudes towards her. She’s also tired of talking about her eating disorder, even though it’s painfully obvious something is up. But it does seem like there’s more to her emotions. She tells Dorinda that the day she hurt her vagina — the logistics of which still haven’t been made clear, and I would find an animated re-creation or something very helpful — she called John a bunch of times and he never answered. She went to the hospital at 2 p.m. and he didn’t show up until 8 p.m. because he was in the Hamptons. Um, for those not familiar with New York, the Hamptons are roughly two hours away. This only makes their recent separation all the more understandable.

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