Much like Luann’s previously stated sentiment that “Just when you think you’re not gonna become a mogul, that’s when you become a mogul,” in Wednesday night’s episode of The Real Housewives of New York City, just when you think you’ve mustered up some sympathy for Luann (y’know, for that time Bethenny Frankel had a rage blackout and repeatedly called her a slut while trapped with six other women in a vacation-home-turned-Saw-sequel), Luann has to go and snort a line of sweet l-u-v, rendering her nearly intolerable.
Now, surely there are more offensive things than being giddy with newfound love. But given that we spent the entire episode following Luann around the Upper East Side as she delivered the news to each of her increasingly skeptical friends that she’d not only met a man named Tom — whom apparently everyone in the Real Housewives franchise, short of Andy Cohen, has had, uh, something to do with — but had also fallen in love with “Tom,” moved in with “Tom,” and was planning to marry “Tom” in a matter of weeks, it was a little much. Shall we blame Luann for her levels of hysteria? Shall we blame editing? Shall we blame the incomparable nature of “true” love?
Let’s just blame Tom — he seems sketchy, anyway.
The episode opens at Luann’s first stop on her love-boat tour, Sonja’s house, where her social media intern has just finished up one of his social media duties: making her a lovely pitcher of jasmine tea. “Son” and Luann drink their Twitter tea while Luann proceeds to dish out what will surely become the tea (forgive me — I’m the Real Housewives of Atlanta recapper, filling in for your trusty New York recapper, Tim) for the rest of the season: “I can’t even believe this, but I’ve found my soul mate, and I’m in love, and I’m probably going to get married!” she squeals like a particularly husky-voiced middle-schooler. As it turns out, she and Tom went on their first date just before Thanksgiving, and now, sometime between Christmas and the New Year, they’re moving in together and starting to plan their wedding. Presumably, Luann will provide her own musical talent, and we can only hope Bethenny gives a toast.
Of course, there are also other important things to discuss, like how Bethenny is still mad at Sonja about Tipsy Girl. For some reason, that’s still a thing Luann cares about, despite recent rage blackouts pointed in her direction. Sonja — unusually clearheaded this episode, perhaps because she’s decided to give up alcohol, not for health purposes, she says, but just to shut her friends up — says she knows Bethenny doesn’t see her as a business threat, she’s just offended on a personal level: “I’m not a competing brand… people who want to be skinny, drink Skinnygirl. I’m doing fat, tipsy bitches!” I mean, I’m serious, if that becomes the slogan, Bethenny might actually have a little competition on her hands. (Of note: For this entire conversation, Luann is wearing a fully buttoned cardigan as though it’s a shirt. It’s not a shirt. It’s a cardigan.)
And while Son and Lu are busy talking about Bethenny, she’s busy talking about them. She’s gathered the rest of the ladies — Ramona, Dorinda, Carole, and Jules — for margaritas to talk margaritas. She’s planning to start a new Skinnygirl flavor (???), and as she wants it to contain the most top-shelf tequila, she’s planning to take a trip to Santiago de Tequila in Mexico. And why not bring your very rational and well-behaved friends (who handle liquor incredibly well) on your tequila-tasting business trip? The problem is, Bethenny doesn’t know if she should invite Sonja and Luann. Actually, that’s false — it seems to be a hard “no” on Luann because Carole says if Luann is going, she’s not going. But Bethenny is willing to put it to a vote on Sonja. Ramona, Carole, and Dorinda: “Nay” on account of tequila; Jules’ vote: “I don’t even care.”
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Carole and Bethenny have a pretty serious conversation about the way they behave in relationships, and Carole opens up about what a foster cat has recently taught her about her own psyche: She’s set up her entire life — including her relationship with Adam — to be temporary, and that’s no way to live. It’s quite the existential moment, and I hope someone gets Carole a cat that she can have for keepsies.
NEXT: Long hair for Luann…