Man… you just have to stand in awe of the New York Housewives’ inability to stay mad at each other. Nothing ever changes, and it doesn’t need too—they fight, they fight some more, they make up, not by believing that anything they’ve ever done was wrong but simply by screaming an apology across the room, and they grab each other’s asses. Then someone gets mad about the way that their ass was grabbed, and everything starts back over again. It’s all about New Beginnings, you see.
Their ability to carry on three separate arguments throughout the course of a party and still end the night clinking their glasses together like a game of Waterford bumper cars is unrivaled in any other Housewives sphere. Long live New York; long live stolen dresses; long live Boogaloos.
But even with three different sets of women annoyed with one another, this was a pretty tame episode of RHONY. The season finale isn’t really about creating new drama though, it’s basically just the time-biding calm before the Reunion storm. John is pretending he’s going to propose to Dorinda in a pizza place, but she can’t stop shoving gluten-free zucchini noodles into her mouth long enough to care; Sonja is coming off the high of successfully sending 10 women down a runway in perfectly nice clothes with a 30-minute intermission; and the gossip reporters from The Post are steadily working their way toward a title card in the opening credits next season. But mostly, Ramona is just alternating between saying “I’m a changed person” and “I’m not perfect,” every other sentence and if that’s a good enough reason for her to throw a New Beginnings party, then it’s good enough for me.
My very favorite moment of the episode came when Ramona walked into her party early and scoffed, “There’s no one here at my party… I’m celebrating myself!” As though that wasn’t exactly what she was doing. Let’s see, what is Ramona celebrating? Um… getting divorced, but not really getting divorced… being a “changed” person… and… new adventures? I might be doing a little reading between the lines here, but I think she’s just celebrating being able to sleep with strangers. There’s an idea for your next theme party, ladies!
Dorinda—while still capable of saying words I understand—says it best: This party is just a reason to buy a new dress and get a martini. Sonja seems to have done both and she is itching for a battle. Apparently, comments that Kristen made at Sonja’s fashion show made it to The Post, and all she did was talk about her own nail polish line (12 colors and growing, y’all!) and then said she just wished Sonja would come out with that darn toaster oven already. Or that’s what Sonja’s heard… she didn’t actually read the article; presumably, her Christmas bow headband was so tight it impaired her eyesight. When confronted, Kristen tells her that she didn’t just randomly bring up the toaster oven, and with a helpful clip from the editors, we see that the reporter did directly ask her about it. Sonja simply can’t believe that a gossip journalist would “stir the pot” like that!
Kristen doesn’t offer an apology for refusing to remove the phrase “toaster oven” from her vocabulary altogether, but it’s no matter—as always, Ramona is doing enough apologizing for everybody. Bethenny didn’t want to come to the New Beginnings party because she thinks Ramona is the same old Ramona, but she’s the same old Ramona that Bethenny just can’t stay mad at, so she goes. And Ramona is immediately “on [her] crotch.” Ramona tries a blanket apology, but Bethenny wants specifics, so Ramona gives them, and then goes in for the high five when Bethenny tells her she’s like a 4-year-old because she agrees. Being a toddler is the ultimate New Beginning, after all.
Less forgiving of each other are Luann and Carole, which is really too bad, because those two can be a lot of fun, or they can be totally uptight—excuse me, they can be totally, like, uncool—and they seem to only bring out the latter in each other recently. Luann is still acting like a jerk about Carole dating a 29-year-old, but really she’s just still annoyed that Carole and Heather stormed into her room in Turks and Caicos and nearly caught her mid-vacation-coitus. I take exactly none of this “we must protect our children from our f-bombs and one night stands” stuff seriously, because if Luann hasn’t noticed, that is a camera in her face, everybody knows what sex hair looks like, and this is national television. The high and mighty act is not a good look, but whatever, it’s time for toasts (“How dare you mention toast!” –Sonja).
Ramona gathers everyone ‘round so that they can all interrupt her while she tries to propose a toast to
herself her friends, and it’s the perfect medium to roll the updates on what everyone’s been doing since filming wrapped: Carole is still “sitting on Adam’s handlebars” (yeesh); Kirsten is still hawking nail polish; Luann is still an aspiring Hamptons pop star; Heather is over Luann; Sonja’s fashion lifestyle brand is “available online”; Bethenny has found room in her life for a few new friends, after all; and Ramona is still making toasts like these: “I COULD NOT BE WHERE I AM WITHOUT ALL OF YOU, SO I THANK YOU FOR MY NEW PATH AND MY NEW JOURNEY AND I LOVE ALL OF YOU.”
Here’s to you, RHONY.