Well this was the darkest trip to a gambling city since Leaving Las Vegas. And we didn’t even get the pleasure of Elisabeth Shue. I’d have settled for even Andrew Shue.
I’ve said this before, but trips on Housewives franchises are the equivalent of sex or drugs or drinking in horror movies—they equal danger. If you lose your virginity in a slasher movie, buh bye. If you go on a trip with the gals on a Housewives episode, you will get in a knock-down, drag-out fight. I SPEAK THE TRUTH. And tonight’s trip to Atlantic City was no different.
It was instantly tense as the women met at Sonja’s house to leave for AC and were forced to stay outside in the rain. Well Heather does not appreciate precipitation. Holla. And she was dropping F bombs left and right. Also, can we take a moment and discuss that Sonja lives next to a parking garage? That is not fabulous. I mean a townhouse is a townhouse…but like next to a garage? Ramona comes out after revealing she was allowed to use the bathroom inside Sonja’s house despite the ban on the others. I hope Ramona didn’t use the toilet where the blackberry was dropped a couple seasons ago. Finally the limo arrives and it ain’t cute. It also has a neon sign inside that I think said BroJo? Or RoJo? Or BoJo? This limo service is the new Bootique/Beautique/Buuuueutique. Ramona is most concerned about there being no wine opener. I mean what kind of limo is this?!?! Kristen appears to have stolen a statement necklace from Luann. Bethenny finally shows up like hours late because she apparently couldn’t text anyone. Maybe the Essex House has bad Wi-Fi service or something? Then, Sonja finally enters the car and says she had some sort of issue with her sister and then couldn’t let the ladies in her house because she could have lost her dogs. She loses dogs when doors are opened, people. We’ve all been there.
We finally get to Atlantic City after half the car peed on the side of the road. Dorinda was also very concerned about Bethenny using a wet wipe on her vagina. Yes, this was a discussion. Bethenny didn’t have any kind of tissues but thankfully she brought Skinnygirl booze with her. She packs the priorities. When Skinnygirl launches toilet paper, we know where the inspiration came from.
The ladies are all staying at the Borgata, and it’s time to party/cry/show your genitals. The group all change into completely age-inappropriate outfits (Bethenny calls her shoe wear “whore boots”) and head down for some sushi. It takes about two minutes before Bethenny starts yelling at Sonja and Sonja starts crying. She tries to explain to Bethenny that she has been in PR all her life because she “promotes people.” SIGH. Then Luann tries to change the subject by talking about how she actually enjoys Ramona more now that her marriage of 150 years is over. Smooth Lu. Oh and during all of this Carole is wearing bunny ears and a nightgown.
We move to the casino where Ramona and Sonja proceed to just yell a lot. Bethenny knows her way around low-cal tequila mix but not so much the blackjack table. Oh and during this Carole changes into a T-shirt with a picture of some ladies cleavage. Oh and she still has bunny ears. She’s like RHONY’s Helena Bonham Carter.
It’s time to hit the clurb and that’s when Sonja really starts getting hot messy. She shows her vagina about three times (five times and an angel gets its wings). Then she tries to make out with Luann which the Countess does not seem surprised about AT. ALL. I’m guessing this happened a bunch during late nights at Boooaaatique. Sonja gets in ANOTHER fight with Bethenny and basically Dorinda is left to deal with her drunkenness. Carole I’m assuming went somewhere to change again or find devil horns to go with her bunny ears or perhaps some other kind of animal headgear. Sonja just wanders around the suite saying insane things like, “I’m an artist. Carole is a correspondent.” And brags that she partied with JFK Jr. and Madonna “all the time.” Dorinda then explains that he’s dead. TRUTHBOMB.
The next day Sonja seems to have zero hangover. If I would ever buy a Sonja Morgan product, it would be this woman’s hangover cure. It’s clearly some kind of wizard potion. She decides to go check on Bethenny who has apparently decided not to join anyone for breakfast and just stay in her room all day. SUCH GOOD FRIENDS!!! SISTERS!!! Sonja blames last night’s emotional state on barometric pressure(!) and Bethenny is basically like “Yo girl, you need help.” Sonja agrees that sometimes her vitamins(!) don’t mix well and her doctor is looking into it. Then Bethenny is like “Yo girl, you need help.” And at the end they hug after Sonja makes a snide comment about Bethenny’s family in her confessional. SISTERS!!!