Is Bethenny mad at Ramona for taking a Hervé Léger dress from her talk show? No. Is she mad that when the show asked for that dress back she said it had fallen out of the back of her car? No. Is she made that Ramona then posted an Instagram pic of her wearing that very dress a few months later. Definitely not. But is she mad at her “for going off the rails psycho crazy when [she] invited Sonja to [her] brunch?” Lil’ bit. In fact, Bethenny is a little mad about everything, but also totally fine with everything. Much like how she’s totally homeless but has a $4.2 million apartment, a presidential hotel suite, and is currently getting an office space—say your prayers for Bethenny, y’all.
Everything on this show is a total contradiction, really, and that is just fine with me. Because if it weren’t for contradictions like only two out of these eight housewives actually being wives (and as Bethenny would tell you, she also doesn’t even have a house) then we wouldn’t get glorious single gals’ night out on the town segments where Sonja is getting sloshed with 24-year-old male models, Countess Luann is excusing herself to the ladies’ room with a male escort, and Bethenny is telling everyone how slutty they look while wearing a corset top from Rue 21. I’ll drink to that… and it will just be a nice glass of Sauv Blanc, you won’t even have to put any agave nectar in it or explain what color the liquor is.
But following last week’s brunch blowup, there was still a ways to go before everyone could happily get drunk and run through the Upper East Side’s single men together. You see, last week Ramona planned a brunch that she didn’t tell anyone about, and then Bethenny didn’t plan a brunch that she told everyone about, so Ramona got mad at Bethenny for stealing all of her houseguests, and Bethenny informed Ramona that she felt exactly no inclination to ever be around her. Which really puts a grinding halt on their co-worker status, so she’s going to have to work that out.
The way all of the other ladies work out the dual brunch invite is by splitting their time between the two brunches. I feel very dumb saying “brunch” this many times; Bethenny feels dumb brunching as a verb; I feel silly about brunch in general; everyone feels dumb about “brunching,” but I would also lose most of my morals and a lot of my money for bagel and lox around 1 p.m. on a Sunday, so sue me. But don’t you dare sue Bethenny, because she has that Skinnygirl brand on lock. Carol says she’s been to Oscars gifting suites with less product placement than Bethenny’s South Hampton house.
More candidly, I might say there was literally Skinnygirl shit everywhere in Bethenny’s house. A girl might start getting offended at the implications. Luann won’t be getting a Lamborghini for her contribution to Skinnygirl’s inception, but she’s sure as hell leaving Bethenny’s brunch with an individually sized Skinnygirl blender in her Birkin. (On that note, I really appreciated Carole’s appraisal of which free Skinnygirl merch was probably the most expensive to determine what she would be taking home.) Everyone is wearing perfectly chunky sweaters because the Hamptons are quite simply as idyllic and brunch-tastic as they’re made out to be.
NEXT: The only thing NYC housewives like more than brunch is a night out with younger men…[pagebreak]
After Bethenny’s house, Luann, Heather, and Kristen have plans to head to the brunch that Ramona is hosting for her dear friend Dorinda that she just informed everyone of via text that very morning. There’s no mention of why Dorinda is the brunchee of honor, but she deserves some recognition considering the only conversation she gets included on is that between herself and the bartender, ordering as many Bloody Marys as it takes to drown out the sounds of Ramona and Sonja arguing about if it was Ramona’s fault that Bethenny got mad at her. That goes on for about an hour and a half until Dorinda finally has to leave, just as the others are arriving after leaving Bethenny’s house with my new favorite salutation: “Well, thanks for the buzz!”
Dorinda has to get home to her boyfriend, John, the famous dry cleaner. He keeps trying to stick his tongue down her throat at lunch, and she keeps trying to get him to get off his cell phone. She is more successful, but much less subtle. I do love how these women speak their mind with absolutely no apologies. I tried to imagine myself marching up to my contractor and telling him his prices were bullshit with nothing but a perma-Skinnygirl buzz as courage like Bethenny does when she enters the Soho apartment she’s having renovated, and immediately I knew I’ll need a few more years in New York under my belt before I even work up the lung capacity to says as many words as Bethenny does in a 10 minute conversation. But the long and short of it is that Bethenny wants the apartment to be a home where she and Bryn can make memories together and boss around the men that work for her.
Luann goes over to Ramona’s to have their first conversation in that apartment that isn’t a total disaster. They talk about Ramona’s divorce and how she truly never thought it would happen. In the privacy of her one-on-one, Luann seems to have been a little more confident that “it,” meaning a philandering Mario, was imminent. Ramona has gone through the trouble of googling “midlife crisis,” and someone on Yahoo Answers told her that it can last up to four years and she just can’t deal with that. So, with the divorce papers filed, and Mario having filled out 250 out of 300 questions on his OKCupid account, she is officially considering herself Single Ramona. That should make her fit in well with Single Luann, Single Bethenny, Single Carole, and Single Sonja… all an excellent combination for a Single girls’ night out.
After a lunch of very specific margaritas where Heather annoys Bethenny with all her pro-soft-Ramona talk, prompting her to say, “What, are we braiding each other’s pussy hair?” Luann decides to get all of the single ladies together for a night out at Boutique, the only uptown pickup joint where, presumably, they won’t be doing any braiding of any kind. And, of course, she just happened to run into Kelly Bensimon on her way there, which Bethenny deemsto be so 2000-and-who-cares, but she obviously kind of cares, because she posts up at the bar by herself until Luann comes over to talk to her. Luann tells her that she didn’t intentionally not tell Bethenny that Kelly was coming and they hug it out and head back to the corner of Boutique where their friends are drinking glowing bottles of vodka and comfortably seated on the laps of twentysomething men. Well, that’s mostly Sonja, who took an immediate shine to the Countess’ friend, Eric’s accompanying German pal.
For all the drama that went into figuring out how to brunch together, the single women of the RHONY crew seemed to have no problem partying late into the night together; Ramona never knew that all it took was a little eye contact to get men to talk to you. Of course, the women who do have permanent male counterparts weren’t invited to this night out on the town, which made it all the more surprising to see Dorinda’s beau, John, show up to Boutique on a “business dinner.” At midnight. At a club.
That guy smells like trouble—and probably some potent mix of cleaning chemicals and Acqua di Gio—but more on that next week.