There are simply an unbelievable amount of words spoken (generally yelled or slurred, actually) by the RHONY women tonight, but you know who I need to hear more from? How about logging a little confessional interview time with that poor chef in Turks and Caicos who thought he’d be making quinoa salads and mixing vodka-waters all week, but instead had to attempt to moisten chia seeds while the flaps of Luann’s The-Dude-robe were whipping him around the face and Heather’s tears were dripping in his freshly squeezed orange juice. Or maybe a word from Manny, the man who thought he’d be hosting a simple bedazzling party for millionaires, and ended up having his open concept living room turned into a war zone and losing all his custom-made coasters in the process. Let’s mix it up!
I’m back in the saddle as your RHONY recapper for one more week and I have to say, I thought every single part of this ridiculous episode—from Ramona getting kicked out of a fight inside a bathroom to Luann stumbling around a kitchen telling her scarred friends to Be Cool My Babies, to watching eight grown women outsource gluing rhinestone hearts onto stretch jeans to their nannies—was hilarious.
My delirious laughter was so constant it felt kind of like when you’re so exhausted from vacation that you just think everything is funny. You know—how you’re always so exhausted after a weeklong vacation with friends to an island where you had a personal chef to cook your meals, a house manager to make sure you weren’t murdered by locals (or their vengeful wives), and a TV network to pay for all of your expenses? You know how that’s always so EXHAUSTING?! Indeed, as exhausting as last week’s rollercoaster of fights about salads and book titles were, this week’s set of fights about cursing and the dos and don’ts of middle-aged recklessness were just plain ludicrous.
The episode starts off by finishing up last week’s argument about the f-word where Luann couldn’t even get through explaining how f—ing inelegant it is without saying the word she was condemning. It’s almost like their martini-drenched words don’t really mean anything at all; and then, as proof, Dorinda and Heather return from taking their argument outside (where they got in a sub-argument with Ramona about staying out of their argument) having made up. Truly, it is a superpower how quickly these women can bounce back from fights that would probably make me not be able to sleep for a week. I would assume that after such an exhausting dinner, everyone might be ready to call it a night, but fights between friends are basically foreplay at this point. Everyone but Heather and Carole head out to go dancing…
As we’ve all known was coming, today is the day that Heather finds an unaccompanied naked man in the room next-door to hers and Luann—Countess of Elegance and defamer of the f-word—tells her to “be cool” about it.
Heather surely reacts in a manner not totally befitting the actual crime here (more befitting of the potential of the crime, perhaps)—if the difference between being angry and being fine with something is one nude Ramona Singer then your argument is probably built on a thin foundation—but, I want to be clear here: If your friend is scared and uncomfortable because of a situation that you brought into her life, then you should apologize for it. Always.
That is not what happens.
Now, we never actually catch a glimpse of any blurred-out penis, but remnants of the naked man are left all over the house: an ass-print in the rumpled sheets of Bethenny’s former room, a half-empty juice bottle, and the rage in Heather’s eyes. It turns out that Heather was taking her own nude stroll through the room attached to hers and came across a naked, sleeping man in the bed. They did not bond over their shared attire. Heather works herself into a frenzy about figuring out how the hell this man ended up as her nude-door neighbor right away, and marches into Ramona and Sonja’s room for answers. Sonja says she went straight to sleep after dancing; Ramona says to leave her alone and ask Luann; Luann says, “It’s not a big deal, be cool! Don’t be all, like, uncool.”
To be fair, by the time we get to the most bizarre statement on being cool since John Travolta made that terrible movie with Christina Milian, there has been a lot of arguing back and forth. It seems that two men came home with Ramona and Luann and while Luann saw her guest out, Ramona’s was left unattended. The house manager tells Kristen that Ramona pointed the guy upstairs and told him he could sleep in Bethenny’s room (also that the man Luann made out with was married—very cool!)
“Mystery solved—Ramona banged a guy and left him the bed.” –Sonja Morgan, unlikely voice of reason
NEXT: Heather: uncool; bedazzling: very cool…[pagebreak]
Fully banged, partially nude, and not admitting to anything, the women finally head back to the city. Carole meets Bethenny at a lovely tearoom to fill her in on the three blowups that she missed by leaving the trip 18-hours early. They agree that if Ramona had just stayed in bed alongside her nude man after ridding him of what I’m sure was a Hawaiian print shirt, rather than leaving him to pilfer all of her and Heather’s finest ruffled bikini tops, things would have been cool. Bethenny says that Ramona is always trying to act innocent and then does a pretty solid impression of a Dorinda dirty martini blow-up.
But this whole episode really comes down to one, terrifically absurd event, and there are some great lines leading up to it:
“Are you going to her jeans thing?” –Carole, about a “jeans thing,” apparently
“I can’t find my bedazzler, I think I left it in LA.” –Carole, again, officially intriguing me
“If you have a hot glue gun, iron, scissors, or an ice pick, please bring.” –Kristen, being “that person” in a group text
“I’m all for the children, but I’d rather write a check than sit next to Kristen and bedazzle jeans.” –Bethenny being Bethenny
That’s right, the Housewives are having a bona fide bedazzling party. Apparently, when the crew went to check out Heather’s new Yummie jean collection, Kristen was hit with a rhinestone-studded lightning bolt of genius: Bedazzle some damn jeans for charity! She calls it a “diamond and denim” party but there are no diamonds involved—there are, however, stick-on rhinestones, hot glue guns, and metallic fabric pens. Break out your pocketbooks, women of New York City!
In between Dorinda gluing the host’s animal-print coasters on the back pockets of her jeans and Ramona arriving with enough belly chains for everybody, the group breaks off in pairs to occasionally yell at one another in the living room. First, Bethenny takes Kristen aside to tell her that she saw that she was talking about her in the press recently and to cut that crap out. Kristen briefly tries to act like whatever she said was actually intended to be nice, but immediately backs down when she realizes that trying to win an argument with Bethenny is a little like trying to make a pair of jeans look better by adding shiny accessories to them: Not impossible, but really not recommended.
Then comes the main event, and boy is it a doozy. In the time between telling Heather to be cool about the naked guy in the house in Turks and Caicos and arriving back in NYC, Luann has decided that not only was Heather entering her room without knocking a total violation of privacy, but that she did it intentionally to try to catch Luann in the act of… sleeping with that dude who ended up being married, I guess? I don’t know, this entire episode could have just been titled, “Grasping at Straws,” which is exactly what Luann and Heather proceed to do as they attempt to assess who was the most violated. Until, suddenly, they remember that this is all Ramona’s fault.
So they march right over to her at the bedazzling table—but before they can get a word out, Ramona just goes, “Heather, in hindsight, you are so right and I am so sad and sorry that I upset you,” and adds to Luann that she sent Heather to her because, well, she was tired and she didn’t want to talk about it. Earlier, Dorinda said she freaked out on Heather about the f-word that night at dinner because she hadn’t gotten to nap that day. So—it seems that when it comes to addressing the arguments of college sophomores on Spring Break… while at a party that features the activities of a sixth grade sleepover… the women of RHONY are willing to settle for the excuses of cranky toddlers. Whatever works, ladies, you just keep up the good work.
What did you think of tonight’s round of battles? Was Heather being uncool or would you have freaked out if you found some dude with his turks-and-caicos out in your adjoining room too? Will Luann ever realize that she can’t just pick and choose the things that she deems worthy to be judged or not now that she’s a modern-day single woman?