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The Real Housewives of New York City recap: Conch Blocked

Ramona has no man game and no girlfriend code, and Dorinda has no tolerance… for the f-word.

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The Real Housewives of New York City

TV Show
Reality TV
run date:
Current Status:
In Season

The Real Housewives of New York City is like the Crossfit of the Housewives franchise: These women practice quick-circuit drama, not meant to rid you of your dead weight relationships, simply to improve your strength and agility for future fighting. And they can recover from calling each other manic [elegantly omit f-bomb here] asshole know-it-alls in five minutes flat! Maybe that’s how these keep those bodies in peak-macrame shape—we certainly know it’s not from Sonja Morgan’s patented cork wedges workou, which made its debut last episode.

I’m filling in this week for your resident Sonja-whisperer, Tim Stack, as we navigate the waters of whether it’s lovelier to casually say the f-word or to scream it in a public restaurant while proclaiming how inelegant it is. Jury is still out—“TO BE CONTINUED”—but I do know this much: This episode started with an argument, there was a post-lunch argument, argument-prep at dinner, the resulting argument at the next day’s lunch, and ended with one final dinner blowout to grow on. As always, I stand in awe of the sheer stamina.

But everyone swears they had a grand ol’ time in Turks and Caicos. It certainly looked beautiful, they got to wear all their most confounding bikinis, there was that one brief moment where they weren’t fighting, just pulling each other’s swimsuits down like what would happen if you put a “Bravo” Instagram filter on the Coppertone girl—that looked like fun. And I guess anything can seem fun if you make the martinis dirrrrrrty enough.

We pick up where we left off with Ramona tottering around saying they should go to Bug-a-boos for lunch; if that is a Destiny’s Child themed restaurant, I side with Ramona, but Bethenny has spent all this time making them a salad in a child’s-size canoe for lunch so she gets pretty annoyed and tells Ramona she’s acting manic, to which Ramona manically nods her head in agreement. They yell at each other (across that pool that’s probably experiencing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder by now) that they’re both going to do exactly the opposite of what they’d prefer to do so that everyone will be equally miserable while eating their lettuce, and eventually make up by thinking back fondly on a different dumb fight they had at the beginning of the season. Memories!

At lunch, while everyone layers the water-based vegetables in their stomachs with a nice, hearty layer of day drinks, Ramona gives this stirring toast: “I find girlfriends are the most important thing because you can confide in them… and they can help you with your business ideas.” Ah, yes, the joys of female friendship. So Ramona confides in them that she’s going to write a book and wants help with the name and Bethenny confides in Ramona that her idea is shit and her book will be shit because her life is shit right now. Ramona seems cool with this because she gets a potential book title out of the deal (the very terrible “Work in Progress”) but Heather has about had it with Bethenny being a total know-it-all.

And since Bethenny has supersonic hearing—in addition to probably knowing every fact about supersonic hearing and working on a book, a line of headphones, and a marketing campaign for supersonic hearing—she overhears Heather talking smack from the kitchen and heads right across the Pool of Doom to “light this thing up.” Mostly that means Bethenny telling Heather she can say any problems she has with her straight to her face, Heather telling Bethenny she thinks she is a know-it-all, and Bethenny confirming her suspicions: “Maybe I know it all. So, if you would like to know any of it all, come to me and I’ll tell you.” They continue to light it up down on the beach for a while because that’s where all the best arguments and egg-based breakfasts take place, but then they just decide to get over it and pull each other’s pants down. Not a euphemism.

NEXT: Ramona learns the dangers of flirting chest-first…