Hey, it’s jewelry-party night!!! Before things get started, let’s review where everybody stands: Siggy is mad at Melissa. Melissa is mad at Siggy. Teresa is mad at Dolores. Dolores is…mad at Teresa? And maybe also Melissa? Somehow no one is mad at Danielle Staub, but that’s going to change real quick, because in the car ride over to the party, she makes good on her promise to get more camera time tell Teresa what Dolores said, because she’s a good friend. The big confession? Dolores apparently told Danielle that the only thing Teresa cares about is money. There is unequivocally no way this happened. Dolores would never say something like that, but moreover, she’s too smart to trust Danielle. We’ll no doubt hash it out at the party, which I’m getting less and less excited for. At this point, if Kim D. isn’t there so we can get some actual non-cake-related drama, I’m going to throw my own cake. (Okay, I probably won’t. But I might buy one and sit in the dark binge-eating it while crying. Listen, you do your thing, I’ll do mine.)
When Melissa arrives at the handbag party, Siggy greets her by saying, “I haven’t seen my baby since Boca!” Listen, there’s gracious hosting, and then there’s psychosis. Siggy is furious with Melissa. Was it nice of her to invite her to the party anyway? Yes. Is it really freakin’ weird that she practically did a cartwheel when she entered the room? Yes. Siggy has always struck me as someone comfortable with her rage, but she’s clearly conflicted about it. Let it out, girl. The more you can stop pretending you love everybody when people are looking, the less you’ll erupt when people aren’t. Or…when people are, because I have a feeling you’re going to explode in the presence of all these very important handbags in 3…2….
…Annnnd…we’re there: After approximately two minutes of small talk, things revert to #caketalk, and Sigster has officially transformed into “pulling my hair out” foyer Siggy: She loudly asks the entire party (a) to shut up and (b) whether throwing a cake across a restaurant is rude. Show of hands? Most of the party! Siggy, feeling vindicated, collapses to the ground to do what I think is an indoor victory snow angel? You win, Siggy! You go ahead and lie on the ground, humiliating Melissa, like winners do! Yeah! Also, WHERE IS KIM D.? I thought she and Siggy were such great friends? Didn’t Siggy get offended in Boca when Melissa called her a cock-a-roach? Do you not invite your cock-a-roach friends to your super-special handbag parties? Ugh.
Once Teresa and Danielle arrive, it doesn’t take long for everyone to start fighting, and Dolores is the fiercest we’ve ever seen her, going after Danielle with a fury that would make table-flipping-era Teresa proud. And she posits an interesting theory: Danielle endured some rough times after she and Teresa had their falling out (presumably because she got kicked off the show?), and now maybe she’s back for revenge. It’s far-fetched, but I honestly hope it’s true, if only so we can stop talking about cake.
Next week promises more yelling, more crying, and hopefully 100 percent more Kim D. (At this point I’d even settle for Kim G.) I’m not sure why the producers have hung their hat on Siggy’s story line this season, but it’s not working. Histrionics about cake aren’t engaging, they’re annoying. This show has everything it needs to be compelling — family drama, prison, enemies turned frenemies, former criminals — it should be a piece of cake.