It’s only episode 3, but the drama on The Real Housewives of Dallas is already going over the top. Throughout “Making Frenemies,” the ladies bonded over strippers and fashion vlogging, developed new friendships, dealt with marital problems, and finally confronted the poop elephant in the room at a disastrous lunch meeting. Not to be crass, but s— really hit the fan. So let’s talk about The Real Housewives of Dallas: Magic Mike Edition…
MARY SOLLOSI: It finally happened. The Housewives busted out those dance moves… Brandi tells Cary to “put her party panties on” when she and Stephanie invited her for a girls’ night out. She also promised — and perhaps this was foreshadowing — that, “Stephanie and I get white girl wasted; only I can dance.”
MOLLY SMITH: As excited as I was for the strip club (a strip club on a Housewives show… finally!), I couldn’t get over the fact that Cary has never had a proper bachelorette party — despite having been married three times. But she seems on the fence about the locale at first. When they arrive at the strip club, Brandi and Stephanie greet the owner as a friend, and Cary says (MAJOR SHADE ALERT!), “Are they regulars? I know owners of restaurants, not of strip clubs.”
MARY: Yeah, I think she got over it. They definitely upgraded from Jesus Juice to some kind of mixed thing that they definitely do not serve at Mass. They got drunk very quickly.
MOLLY: That probably had a lot to do with what happened next: The emcee asked if one of the girls would dance onstage with the hunky, handsome men wearing shirts that look like Texas flags, and naturally Brandi volunteers — did you know she’s an ex-Dallas Cowboys cheerleader? She never talks about it.
MARY: You know what? I’m not sure I knew that. She should mention it in her tagline.
MOLLY: Brandi really busts out the moves while up there, to the point where Cary says, “Brandi is going balls to the wall. No pun intended.” That pun was ABSOLUTELY intended. The emcee soon made some joke about how they’d have to give Brandi a job if she stayed onstage dancing on everybody any longer.
MARY: You’re not supposed to be giving the strippers lap dances! That’s not how strip clubs work. I’ve seen Magic Mike.
EYES ON STYLE
MARY: Later in the episode, Cary has a very different kind of night. She has former model Tiffany and her musician husband, Aaron, over for a tour of her closet for Tiffany’s blog Sanctuary of Style. Turns out, Mark has carefully curated Cary’s closet over the years, which is pretty adorable. “Thank god for him,” Cary says. “Without him I would dress like a hobo.”
MOLLY: That closet is like his magnum opus. He has an established plastic surgery practice, but this is his pride and joy.
MARY: And you can tell he was pushing for a closet tell-all of his own, like “really, my closet…”
MOLLY: So through all this and a very, um, interesting quip about how Mark should have sister wives, the couples start to bond, and these new friendships lead to some major drama…
AND EYES ON NEW FRIENDS
MOLLY: LeeAnne and Tiffany get together because they’re best friends as they often remind us. They talk about the Mad Hatter’s party, and LeeAnne just can’t let it go because, “In Dallas, you’re guilty by association.”
MARY: A few scenes later, we see Tiffany telling her husband that she’d like to befriend both Stephanie and Cary — because Cary’s the best, and who wouldn’t want to be best friends with her?
MOLLY: Cary, that’s a request if you’re reading this recap.
MARY: The thing is, though, as she tells Aaron, “LeeAnne doesn’t really get along with Cary,” and then Aaron, winning all of our hearts once again, says, “Does LeeAnne get along with anyone, except you?” No. The answer is actually no.
MOLLY: Tiffany later calls herself the peacekeeper, and I think here you really get a sense of that because she wants to be friends with LeeAnne, but also wants to be friends with Cary and Stephanie; she doesn’t want to be totally in the charity world, but she decides she wants to have a charity concert where Aaron can play.
MARY: That’s the two of them killing two birds with one stone: She can really solidify her place within the charity community, and he can establish himself as a musician in Dallas.
MOLLY: Later, Tiffany tells LeeAnne about how she did, in fact, hang out with Cary. Oh my God, the look on LeeAnne’s face as Tiffany’s telling her that she’s enjoying hanging out with other people is so great. ALL of her faces throughout the episode for that matter are Bachelor-contestant-level great.
MARY: I have to give a shoutout to LeeAnne saying, “I hate drama. That’s why there’s a door on the front of my house. You got drama, you stay out.” I know I’ve always said that you can tell the people who don’t like drama are the ones with doors on the fronts of their houses. So then Tiffany, ranking up there with Cary in the one-liners department, notes, “LeeAnne saying she doesn’t like drama is like Charlie Sheen saying he doesn’t like hookers.”
MOLLY: Upon realizing Tiffany is serious about being friends with Cary and Stephanie, LeeAnne seems to be moved to talk to them, which we’ll get to in a bit…
PROBLEMS AT HOME
MARY: Meanwhile, while LeeAnne and Tiffany are talking to each other about the company you keep, there’s Brandi, who’s consistently the most offensive person on the other end of the spectrum. She apparently gets in really big trouble with her husband, Bryan, after her drunken strip club escapade. The tension between them is compounded by his being gone a lot for work.
MOLLY: Then there was the whole issue with Brandi’s grandpa. She was led to believe that he had shunned her mom when she had Brandi as a teenager, but it turns out the rift was the product of Brandi’s grandparents’ divorce. And now, the grandpa wants to connect. Bryan can’t be there for Brandi when she meets her grandpa for the first time because he’s going out of town.
MARY: I feel for Bryan; he’s working really hard to build his career, and I’m sure, from his perspective, he’s doing it for their family. But, on the other hand, Brandi probably feels neglected and maybe that’s why she’s seeking so much attention?
MOLLY: When you put it like that, I feel like I can’t make fun of the ridiculous things this cast does anymore.
MARY: Oh, no, forget that. Keep making fun!
LADIES WHO (AIR OUT ALL THEIR DRAMA AT) LUNCH
MARY: Now for the grand finale, LeeAnne summons Cary and Stephanie to lunch, and she has the plastic poop on hand. LeeAnne says she’s not there to tell them how to live their lives; she’s just there to impart her wisdom and “to explain the process of earning your wings.”
MOLLY: I can’t with LeeAnne. She lectures Cary and Stephanie, beginning with why Brandi’s poop hat was not okay, and then she busts out a blog post about said hat.
MARY: “Oh So Cynthia,” which Stephanie calls “the TMZ of the Dallas charity world,” sounds very reputable. They move on to talk about how you have to keep the right company. At one point, Cary says, “Why are you acting like this Dallas socialite? You have to be born into that.” And LeeAnne doesn’t agree.
WANT MORE? Keep up with all the latest from last night’s television by subscribing to our newsletter. Head here for more details.
MOLLY: Yeah, she says she’s not fighting with Cary, but then she calls her a b—- Which feels like fighting? And then LeeAnne basically tells them they need to respect her because she’s 10 years older than them.
MARY: That’s a cardinal sin of being a Housewife. Never admit you’re older than everybody else.
MOLLY: And then she storms out of the restaurant, and the preview reveals that a scream fest of EPIC proportions at a girls’ night gone wrong will be coming next week. Official countdown begins now.