March 07, 2018 at 01:34 AM EST

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

TV Show
Reality TV
run date
Current Status
In Season

As soon as Dorit arrives, she starts cooing at Lisa in a baby voice and repeatedly telling her she loves her. Has she…met Lisa? She’s not really a words-of-affirmation kind of gal — give or take. Lisa Vanderpump’s love languages are dogs, diamonds, and when her restaurant employees refrain from going to third base in the walk-in freezer over on Vanderpump Rules. When Erika suggested they get Lisa a flamingo on a diamond-studded leash for her birthday, I thought that was an incredible idea; when Lisa needed to leave early to start her birthday celebrations with Ken, and Dorit chased after her so she could mount her on a couch and not let her leave until Lisa listened to her, I thought, Dorit, are you high on Beverly Beach bath salts right now?

I mean, in general, when someone tells you to get off of them, you should; when that person is edging up on 60 years old, you definitely should get off of them when they say so. And it’s not even like Dorit was trapping Lisa there so she could apologize to her. She just wants Lisa’s assurance that she’s forgiven. She’s also spent the entire evening deciding that all of this is Teddi’s fault because she has no idea what Teddi said about what she said at that dinner that feels like it was 100 years ago. But Lisa nips that right in the bud, saying she hasn’t heard anything from Teddi; she was upset with Dorit about what Dorit told her she said herself. Lisa tells Dorit that calling her a needy friend “wasn’t exactly a f—ing compliment.” In a moment of weakness, Dorit de-straddles, and LVP literally makes a break for it, with Dorit hot on her heels, yelling how much she loves her.

I really don’t think Lisa had made up her mind quite how annoyed she was going to be with Dorit until Dorit cranked the annoying meter up to peak-Dorit (I tried to think of a different, more annoying character to make the peak of this hypothetical meter, but I came up short). But once the mounting was complete, Lisa entered the full punishment zone that Kyle’s been warning of — or wishing for, hard to tell — and you know what that means: It’s diggin’ time. It seems like ages ago that LVP and Dorit were teaming up to take little digs at Lisa Rinna every chance they could get. But given that Lisa Rinna is basically only in this cast via FaceTime anymore (and this week, I think it was a SnapChat video for goodness’ sake), and also that she just laughed along with them, those days are over.

That is…not how Dorit handles it. Now, I can understand that if you came to a party looking to sip champagne and mount a few of your friends, everybody coming at you sideways with passive aggressive jabs and BDSM gag gifts all day could get a little annoying. But given Dorit’s behavior for the last — oh, I don’t know — forever, you’d think she could understand where this is coming from. Teddi arrives at LVP’s birthday lunch right on time of course, and LVP immediately tells her that she’s going to serve Dorit champagne in a green tumbler when she asks for a drink. Indeed, she does that, and they just dissolve into giggles. This is what passes for shade in Beverly Hills, and I would like to just say that a physical fight nearly broke out on RHOA over insulting a doormat and someone snatching a folding fan. Housewives — what a franchise!

Lisa has been developing a friendship with Teddi, and she’s certainly thrilled with the fuzzy pink bareback non-saddle Teddi gives her for her birthday. But when one has spent this many seasons with Lisa Vanderpump, one does not simply assume it’s a conincidence that Dorit recently made her distaste for Teddi known, and suddenly, LVP is taking Teddi under her wing: sitting closest to her at the lunch table, teasing about being her best friend, calling her Teddi Bear. That, in addition to Camille gifting Dorit with a pink ball gag in return for Dorit drunkenly slurring that she was going to start a strap-on line named Camille a while back, and Dorit is positively simmering with tension at the lunch table. She tells Lisa she shan’t be going to the after party at Pump and leaves the party in a fluster, with PK trailing behind.

In her testimonial, Lisa is uncharacteristically transparent: “Well, yes Dorit, I’m going to have a dig at you. I’ll say it with humor, I’ll couple it with jest — but I’m sending the message that this relationship has taken on a slightly different meaning.” It’s a little bit poetic, a little bit evil, and a little bit perfect. As a postscript to that message, the final scene of the episode is of Lisa Vanderpump reshooting the photos for her jewelry line that Dorit originally modeled for. Dorit didn’t like the photos, and Beverly Hills Lifestyle doesn’t want that kind of negative energy in its pages, so of course, they’ll scrap Dorit’s spread and reshoot. Lisa Vanderpump, man — the woman is a master in her craft.

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