March 07, 2018 at 01:34 AM EST

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

TV Show
Reality TV
run date
Current Status
In Season

I hope you’ve polished up your Cartier diamond shovels — because it’s Dig season on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. And in honor of the seasonal shift from Fuss (known for its friendship droughts and sudden shifts in drunkenness) to Dig (marked by sudden swings of passive aggressiveness and record highs of she-can-give-it-but-she-can’t-take-it), let’s raise a glass, using the wise words of the ever lovely Camille Grammer: “Here’s to tingling vaginas — and a cure for cancer!”

As Camille knows, keeping your priorities in order is important, so that’s why everyone is focusing on their friendships tonight. Dorit is looking to restore the strength of her relationship with Lisa Vanderpump, and Lisa Vanderpump is looking to weave a complicated hierarchy of friendships, old and new, to reassert her dominant position as a Lady Who Lunches and Also Masterfully Puppeteers Her Friends. It’s Beverly Hills at its finest — at any moment during LVP’s birthday lunch, you could cut the tension with her new $75,000 diamond earrings.

But before we can get to Queen-Bee-ing as an art form, the other women have to putter about doing other incredibly Beverly Hills-ish things. Camille and Lisa Rinna have to try on lingerie and show off their absolutely insane bodies. Like…seriously how do they look like that? It’s wild to hear Camille say she doesn’t feel secure about her body, but not when you think about all she’s been through over the last few years with Stage 2 Endometrial Cancer, which is thankfully in remission. I’m glad that Camille has gotten to a place where she can try on teddies in front of a remarkable amount of store windows, not sweat the small (strap-on) stuff, and always seem like she’s smoked a liiiiittle bit of weed. Oh, and for her part, Camille’s glad that she has “a rejuvenated hymen, basically.”

Kyle and Erika go to lunch to eat Branzino — have you noticed how much Branzino these women eat at restaurants??? — and talk about the fight that happened between LVP and Dorit and Kyle, that transitioned into a fight between Kyle and Dorit, that transitioned into a fight between Kyle and Lisa, that finally settled down into a kerfuffle between Lisa and Dorit. Of course, we’d never forget about it because Dorit can’t stop harping on it. LVP would love to let it settle in as just a moving piece on the pink rhinestone chessboard she keeps in her mind, but Dorit wants to talk and talk about it until Lisa reassures her that they’re friends again.

But I guess Dorit does need something to keep her busy, because sitting in her office and shuffling around binders that say “DORIT” in Curlz font on the cover without ever actually looking at anything inside them just isn’t cutting it. It seems that while Dorit was in New York, PK didn’t just keep things running for her on her swimwear line; he went to all of her meetings and made a bunch of changes without telling her. I find myself at a real crossroads here for wanting to mock Dorit for calling a handful of monokinis “my creation, my soul,” but also…PK can’t just change everything about her business! Especially if he’s going to change the name from the already bad “Navaa” to the worse “Beverly Beach.” Something about that name has a very…Jordache of yore feel to me, but PK describes it as “an imaginary place where you can go have a candlelit dinner without the candles.” Sure, okay.

So who can blame Dorit for wanting to get away from the stress of empty binders and even emptier candlesticks? Camille is having a charity event for the Foundation for Women’s Cancer, so all the ladies go to support her. Headed toward the event to raise money for curing cancer, Dorit says, “The only thing I care about is repairing my relationship with Lisa Vanderpump,” which puts the final nail in the coffin of me caring at all that her fake swimsuit business just got hijacked by her fake music manager husband. Dorit’s method for wooing LVP back into her firm bosom is less “kill ’em with kindness” and more “smother ’em with saccharine.” (Recap continues on page 2)

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