Real Housewives reunions have a few things in common across the entire franchise: No matter the city, there will be countless montages; there will be some woman named Marcy from Tampa writing in to say she just cannot believe this filth (that she’s choosing to watch); and you will inevitably find yourself thinking, “That’s what they chose to wear to sit on a couch for eight hours?”
And in the aesthetics department, we at least got a field day in the first installment of the RHOBH reunion. The studio was lit like one of those selfie phone covers multiplied by a thousand. Eileen looked like she’d used an entire can of purple hairspray on her, uh, curls; Andy Cohen totally called LVP out for wearing the same Tom Ford dress that Erika wore the top version of in her confessionals; Kyle had the tots by Alene Too out on display; Erika was glowing with the light of a thousand-man glam squad; and Rinna had her lips freshly waxed for ultimate yappin’ capacity.
Personally, I prefer the aesthetics of the Atlanta reunions, where everyone dresses in one color palette, like the wedding party of a particularly free-spirited bride. But I would have accepted these women in paper bags with a few lipstick smears if they had just promised to steer clear of mentioning Munchausen. Alas, that was an actual impossibility as it’s the only think they’ve heard/talked/speculated/cryogenic therapied about for the last four months, so at least Lisa Rinna came through in the end with a whole new boatload of crazy. After all, you can’t complete your Housewives Reunion bingo card until someone pulls out some phone records! This is how we got there…
ERIKA PATS THE PUSS
Clearly proud of his shiny new star, Andy starts this whole shebang off with a spotlight on Erika Jayne, who very hilariously claps for her own montage when it’s finished. She mostly just says that she doesn’t care about any of the bad things the other women said about her, makes me wish even more that we could get a glimpse of that LAPD son of hers, and does a brief “pat the puss” tutorial. Oh, also she read Mary from Provo, Utah, for filth, who inquired if Erika wasn’t a little too old to be “prancing around half-naked” in her music videos: “Oh, Mary, dear — I’m sorry that she’s given up in life, but I have not. No, you’re never too old to be a sexual being.” Better luck next year, Mary.
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DAVID FOSTER IS A GREAT GUY, YOU GUYS
You know RHOBH is in a rough spot when talking about a Yolanda and David Foster’s divorce is actually the fun reprieve from the rest of this season’s story lines. Yolanda repeatedly insists that it’s not David’s fault they’re getting a divorce, even though she also seems to imply that if it were up to her, the divorce would not be happening. She also says that if it weren’t for her illness, she thinks they’d still be together: “You can’t underestimate how much it takes for a man to take care of someone who’s sick all the time… David didn’t change; I’m the one who changed.” Well, she’s certainly taking the high road on this one. LVP asks a lengthy questions about exactly when she knew and if she was blindsided, which is a pretty bold move considering half of everyone’s beef with her this season was her frequent use of the suggestive question mark.
NEXT: Did somebody say the M-word?
KATHRYN DOESN’T CARE FOR FAYE
Kathryn is also a new castmember who exists (and taught us exactly zero vagina-adjacent dance moves), which means we revisit that time she went to the hearing doctor, her hot husband, and her issue with The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick and that time she wrote about her in her tell-all. Kyle is mad that we’re still talking about the O.J. business when she knows Faye to be a very different person now, and Kathryn is still mad that Faye dragged her and her ex-husband’s names into one of the most notorious murder trials in American history. And listen, I’ll allow that Kyle wants to stick up for her friend’s character, but I have to draw the line at Kyle requesting Kathryn to not “talk about someone who didn’t sign up for this.” FAYE LITERALLY SIGNED UP FOR THIS!!! As she can frequently be found drinking margaritas at Kyle’s windy parties without her face blurred, she is clearly signed way the hell up, and that means you’ve got to deal with some drama. For example…
ONE MILLION MUNCHAUSEN MENTIONS
Let’s just cut right to it — we all know what’s gone down with the other women talking about Yolanda’s illness and their Insta-confusion, and though it is discussed for about 20 more minutes here, I’m just going to skip straight to the new stuff. After groveling to Yolanda for a while, Rinna says she’s going to be “really, really honest.” And this is her story: After Yolanda left her birthday party, Ken — ever the sweetheart — noted that she looked terrible, and Harry stepped in to say they needed to be supporting Yolanda. Lisa Vanderpump responded, “There goes our f—ing story line.”
Sure, that sounds like a plausible conversation with zero jumps in logic. At this point, Yo starts crying, and Rinna continues that she then got a call from LVP at home. LVP cuts in to say that she “very rarely” calls her at home, and Rinna whips out a little toiletry bag full of “phone records” so fast it almost shook one of Eileen’s lowlights loose. Rinna doesn’t seem to have rehearsed for the part where LVP said she “rarely” calls her at home because she screams, “Ten f—ing phone calls!” and keeps saying Vanderpump says she never calls her as if this in itself proves something. The thing she ultimately seems to be trying to get to, though, is this: “YOU ENCOURAGED ME AND GUESS WHAT, I DID IT!!!”
Yolanda runs offstage, Erika runs after her, and I guess we finally have ourselves a ballgame. Do you believe that Lisa Vanderpump was puppeteering Rinna to bring up Munchausen? Or has Rinna reached a new level of desperation? My guess is somewhere in the middle, but luckily, we still have TWO HOURS of reunion to figure it out. Sound off with your thoughts and theories in the comments!