Real Housewives reunions have a few things in common across the entire franchise: No matter the city, there will be countless montages; there will be some woman named Marcy from Tampa writing in to say she just cannot believe this filth (that she’s choosing to watch); and you will inevitably find yourself thinking, “That’s what they chose to wear to sit on a couch for eight hours?”
And in the aesthetics department, we at least got a field day in the first installment of the RHOBH reunion. The studio was lit like one of those selfie phone covers multiplied by a thousand. Eileen looked like she’d used an entire can of purple hairspray on her, uh, curls; Andy Cohen totally called LVP out for wearing the same Tom Ford dress that Erika wore the top version of in her confessionals; Kyle had the tots by Alene Too out on display; Erika was glowing with the light of a thousand-man glam squad; and Rinna had her lips freshly waxed for ultimate yappin’ capacity.
Personally, I prefer the aesthetics of the Atlanta reunions, where everyone dresses in one color palette, like the wedding party of a particularly free-spirited bride. But I would have accepted these women in paper bags with a few lipstick smears if they had just promised to steer clear of mentioning Munchausen. Alas, that was an actual impossibility as it’s the only think they’ve heard/talked/speculated/cryogenic therapied about for the last four months, so at least Lisa Rinna came through in the end with a whole new boatload of crazy. After all, you can’t complete your Housewives Reunion bingo card until someone pulls out some phone records! This is how we got there…
ERIKA PATS THE PUSS
Clearly proud of his shiny new star, Andy starts this whole shebang off with a spotlight on Erika Jayne, who very hilariously claps for her own montage when it’s finished. She mostly just says that she doesn’t care about any of the bad things the other women said about her, makes me wish even more that we could get a glimpse of that LAPD son of hers, and does a brief “pat the puss” tutorial. Oh, also she read Mary from Provo, Utah, for filth, who inquired if Erika wasn’t a little too old to be “prancing around half-naked” in her music videos: “Oh, Mary, dear — I’m sorry that she’s given up in life, but I have not. No, you’re never too old to be a sexual being.” Better luck next year, Mary.
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DAVID FOSTER IS A GREAT GUY, YOU GUYS
You know RHOBH is in a rough spot when talking about a Yolanda and David Foster’s divorce is actually the fun reprieve from the rest of this season’s story lines. Yolanda repeatedly insists that it’s not David’s fault they’re getting a divorce, even though she also seems to imply that if it were up to her, the divorce would not be happening. She also says that if it weren’t for her illness, she thinks they’d still be together: “You can’t underestimate how much it takes for a man to take care of someone who’s sick all the time… David didn’t change; I’m the one who changed.” Well, she’s certainly taking the high road on this one. LVP asks a lengthy questions about exactly when she knew and if she was blindsided, which is a pretty bold move considering half of everyone’s beef with her this season was her frequent use of the suggestive question mark.
NEXT: Did somebody say the M-word?