Before tonight’s season finale of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, I somehow managed to convince myself that this was the first episode of the reunion special. So imagine my wide-awake nightmare when I realized that we would not even get to experience this nonsense fight these women have been having for what feels like the majority of my young life in hindsight, where maybe their vision could have been Botoxed into 20/20. Instead, we’re still living in the present where Lisa Rinna and Eileen simply cannot understand why people don’t want to ruin a perfectly mediocre party full of tiny tacos by fighting in oddly fitting cocktail dresses about who said what about which chronic illness.
I mean, there is just no following this fight. At one point, Eileen says to Rinna, “You just told [Yolanda] all that stuff, right?” I literally have no idea what stuff she could possibly be referring to with such an emphatic vocal tone… Did Rinna tell Yolanda that her vagina waxer’s daughter just got engaged? Did she her them that this is one of those alleged nights she wore a wig because she was too busy being manipulated by everyone within a 100-foot radius to achieve that perfect Carol Brady flip on her natural locks? Or maybe she confessed that she flooded the vents with opium and that’s why they’re all sunken down to their kneecaps on those patio couches and draped over each other like Giggy on a soiled satin pillow…
Seriously, everyone was acting weird at that party. And despite my complete disillusionment with the show formerly known as RHOBH (currently known as The Real Lisas of Hopeless Town), I can even admit that Kyle’s new home in La Quinta is gorgeous, with an outdoor entertaining space the size of 10 of my apartments. If only she had remembered to tell everybody that their mortal enemies would also be attending. And indeed, the gang is all here! Lisa Rinna and Kim, who hate each other; Lisa Rinna and Lisa Vanderpump, who newly hate each other; Lisa Vanderpump and Eileen, who hate each other; Yolanda, who presumably hates everyone that won’t stop saying they hardly recognize her because she looks so good; and Ken, who hates every female that isn’t his wife or a teacup-sized animal — indeed, what a lovely environment in which to eat flatbread!
So Kyle invites everybody out to the desert, including her sister Kim (quick flashback to them screaming “YOU LIE!” at each other lest the editors ever let you forget that the Richards sisters’ relationships are just a touch rocky), and wouldn’t you know it, Lisa Rinna’s cocktail-turtleneck has barely even come into frame before she’s asking Yolanda if they can have a little chat. She simply wants to sit her down, tell her that she’s been calling her manipulative all over town, and say she’s so sorry for that. Also, she’d like to add that, yes, she also told everyone she could possibly reach with her T-Mobile unlimited minutes that Yo had Munchausen, but LVP “had a way of pushing me in that direction.”
NEXT: “So much has happened, nothing’s gotten resolved, and it’s just plain old weird.”