Before tonight’s season finale of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, I somehow managed to convince myself that this was the first episode of the reunion special. So imagine my wide-awake nightmare when I realized that we would not even get to experience this nonsense fight these women have been having for what feels like the majority of my young life in hindsight, where maybe their vision could have been Botoxed into 20/20. Instead, we’re still living in the present where Lisa Rinna and Eileen simply cannot understand why people don’t want to ruin a perfectly mediocre party full of tiny tacos by fighting in oddly fitting cocktail dresses about who said what about which chronic illness.
I mean, there is just no following this fight. At one point, Eileen says to Rinna, “You just told [Yolanda] all that stuff, right?” I literally have no idea what stuff she could possibly be referring to with such an emphatic vocal tone… Did Rinna tell Yolanda that her vagina waxer’s daughter just got engaged? Did she her them that this is one of those alleged nights she wore a wig because she was too busy being manipulated by everyone within a 100-foot radius to achieve that perfect Carol Brady flip on her natural locks? Or maybe she confessed that she flooded the vents with opium and that’s why they’re all sunken down to their kneecaps on those patio couches and draped over each other like Giggy on a soiled satin pillow…
Seriously, everyone was acting weird at that party. And despite my complete disillusionment with the show formerly known as RHOBH (currently known as The Real Lisas of Hopeless Town), I can even admit that Kyle’s new home in La Quinta is gorgeous, with an outdoor entertaining space the size of 10 of my apartments. If only she had remembered to tell everybody that their mortal enemies would also be attending. And indeed, the gang is all here! Lisa Rinna and Kim, who hate each other; Lisa Rinna and Lisa Vanderpump, who newly hate each other; Lisa Vanderpump and Eileen, who hate each other; Yolanda, who presumably hates everyone that won’t stop saying they hardly recognize her because she looks so good; and Ken, who hates every female that isn’t his wife or a teacup-sized animal — indeed, what a lovely environment in which to eat flatbread!
So Kyle invites everybody out to the desert, including her sister Kim (quick flashback to them screaming “YOU LIE!” at each other lest the editors ever let you forget that the Richards sisters’ relationships are just a touch rocky), and wouldn’t you know it, Lisa Rinna’s cocktail-turtleneck has barely even come into frame before she’s asking Yolanda if they can have a little chat. She simply wants to sit her down, tell her that she’s been calling her manipulative all over town, and say she’s so sorry for that. Also, she’d like to add that, yes, she also told everyone she could possibly reach with her T-Mobile unlimited minutes that Yo had Munchausen, but LVP “had a way of pushing me in that direction.”
NEXT: “So much has happened, nothing’s gotten resolved, and it’s just plain old weird.”
The woman is either on uppers — I’m leaning more and more on substances to explain these women’s behavior just as I’m leaning more and more on sauvignon blanc to get me through the episodes — or she’s completely lost her mind. Does she really think telling Yolanda she was somehow manipulated into calling Yolanda manipulative makes things better? Or that this is the way Yolanda wanted to spend this party? Well, I certainly hope so because now it’s time for Yolanda and Lisa Vanderpump to have a private little chat where LVP contradicts everything Rinna just said. Eileen is over in a corner somewhere whirling her legs in place like the Roadrunner, just getting geared up for a fight that never comes. Sure, Rinna and Kim have a brief run-in about all the ENRAGING that’s been going on since Kim’s been going on contractually obligated picnics with Yolanda and Brandi, but Rinna just keeps saying, “I hope you get better, Kim, I really do,” in a way that makes me ever so slightly question her sincerity, and it’s a whole lotta nothin’.
I’m with Yolanda on this one: “Maybe I need a sip of alcohol.” I’m not with Rinna: “I have sweaty panties.”
WANT MORE? Keep up with all the latest from last night’s television by subscribing to our newsletter. Head here for more details.
So, everyone leaves the party, no one changes their mind about anything, and no one has any idea what is going on…except Camille, who dances…because she’s at a party.
It’s not exactly what I would call an elegant transition, but you really can’t blame the producers for skipping two months ahead to find absolutely anything that makes this “finale” the least bit interesting, and that something is the divorce of David and Yolanda Foster. We’re treated to a montage of monochrome Hermes-belted outfits from every year we’ve known them; they profess their love for each other at every party; and then we’re told that love was a lie. No, not really — Yo says she still loves the guy; they just weren’t making each other happy anymore, so now she has to try to be happy in a condo without a lemon chiller. But she still has her famous daughters (Anwar is still fully unaccounted for), her at-home Veruca Salt cryogenics costume, and the prayer-hands emoji for every “friend” that offers her their condolences.
You guys — I’m sorry. Normally, I have some fun part of these episodes to kick around, but other than watching LVP pound flatbread while everybody talked s— about her in the La Quinta distance and that concierge’s truly impressive pink blazer, this was just a woof of a finale on a mostly snoozy season. Look no further than the ladies’ final title cards: Rinna is starting a lip gloss line; LVP might be opening a restaurant in West Hollywood; Kathryn totally loves her new hearing device. I MEAN, WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE???
Save us Andy Cohen — you’re our only hope! See you at the reunion, and sound off in the comments with your theories on how they could possibly make it last three episodes…