On Monday night’s episode of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, new Housewife Erika Jayne said something that I hope might have changed your life as it did mine: “I think that Erika Jayne — or your own version of Erika Jayne — resides in all of us.” So, I want you to just take a few moments, watch Erika Jayne’s version of Erika Jayne performing in her “Painkillr” music video, and then close your eyes and imagine yourself in those thong-overalls (a thing!), sans bra, rolling around on a bare mattress while singing about painkillrz. Feeling empowered yet?
Listen, aversion to vowels aside, I like Erika Jayne/Erika Girardi/Bambi-Barbie. She seems to know who she is (even if who she is happens to be a few different people), and she doesn’t mind that much if other people don’t get it. And considering that Eileen is the only one who seems to get it, that’s probably a good thing. Because,
warts seemingly limitless opinions and all, I like Bethenny too…
That’s right, on Tuesday night’s episode, New York City met Beverly Hills. Makes sense: the Housewives are in the Hamptons, after all. Which means we still have to wrap up this never-ending white party, and Lisa Vanderpump has to hope her garden hat will transition from day to night (it does not!). Upon dusk, the Bella magazine overlords deemed it time for dinner, but for Lisa that meant it was time for one of her patented Friend Interrogations. During am oddly judgy conversation about divorce (don’t they know they share a network with the girlfriends’ guide to it), the conversation turns to the fact that Eileen is on her third marriage. She tells Lisa that she met Vinny on set while she was still married to her second husband, so they were just friends at first. Naturally, Lisa starts quizzing her with questions about “the affair” and talking really close to Eileen’s face. Rinna and Kyle think she’s being insensitive; Lisa, soaring on rosé and power, probably doesn’t care.
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Speaking of insensitive! A quick check-in with Yolanda shows that she’s recovering from her breast explant both physically and mentally — she already thinks that this just might be the key to kickstart her healing. Wouldn’t that be great? Wouldn’t it also be great if while on speakerphone with Lisa, her husband David Foster didn’t joke, “Let’s just say this: Ken has better tits than her now.” I mean, I’ll take just about any joke at Ken’s expense, but maybe not when your wife is wrapped up in gauze, probably feeling just a touch vulnerable and like someone “shot a can-ON” at her chest.
Thank goodness for the reprise in “To Be or Not to Be Lyme,” though; for this episode at least, it seems that everyone is too busy trying to figure out what an Erika Jayne is in the Hamptons. While wine tasting at Duckwalk Vineyards, Lisa Rinna — the only Housewife who’s yet to meet Erika — reveals that she did a little pre-introduction Googling and came across Erika’s “Painkillr” video. Now, I want you to just take a few moments and prepare yourself for this next bit…
Lisa Rinna, the woman who recently got her — I don’t know how else to say this — blurred-out butthole waxed on national television, thinks Erika’s video is “raunchy.” “It makes me uncomfortable,” she says. Alternately, Eileen thinks it’s “outrageously amazing.” Rinna comes around, though, once Erika arrives in the Hamptons by way of the Chicago Pride Parade and her private plane and explains that her Erika Jayne performances are like acting, part of her alter-ego. I don’t know if anyone can really understand the deal with Erika Jayne and her stocking suits and perfect skin, but I know they’re sure as hell going to try for the rest of the episode…
NEXT: It’s time to go to Bethenny Frankel’s house
It’s time to go to Bethenny Frankel’s house. Now Bethenny has never met a nut she wasn’t going to try to crack, then obliterate, then eat, then cough up, and start all over again. Kyle and Bethenny have been friends for 25 years, which is what scores the BH ladies an invite to her Hamptons home. I’m wondering where all the Skinny Girl mini-muffin displays are and could stand for a few more trips down their memory lane that start with, “Remember the fight we got into at the mini-mart with Paris and Nicky,” but for now we have to address something else: Was Bethenny wearing dressy knee-shorts and a coordinating…tunic?
And can someone in silk board shorts really cast judgment on how someone else is branding themselves? Bethenny watches Erika’s video and looks through her Instagram with Kyle before she arrives, and once Erika walks in, the games begin (and maybe the entire season). Bethenny starts off mostly with compliments in the form of calling Erika a badass, but also saying things like, “I looked at your Instagram page — you want a rim job; I’ll give it to you.” Bethenny just talks so fast it’s hard to ever tell what she’s getting at, but Erika doesn’t mind Bethenny intimating that she’s hooker: “Being a hooker is kind of fabulous in my opinion.”
She does mind a bit, though, when Bethenny starts offering unsolicited branding advice by telling her she needs to “sculpt whatever the whole message is” and that her videos have low production value. And there’s really nothing left to be said about those comments that Erika doesn’t succinctly say herself: “I don’t know anything about margaritas. And I don’t know anything about being skinny. So I’m not going to tell anyone what to do with their Skinny Girl s—. So perhaps she shouldn’t tell me what to do with mine.” Oh, damn girl.
In fact, Erika seems to have quite a few observations that she’s keeping close to the sequined Chanel vest at the moment. After Lisa quizzes her about her much older husband on the way to brunch the next morning, Erika entertains all of her questions but says in her interview, “I sense that Lisa really enjoys making you feel uncomfortable and digging around. I’m guessing that’s because she wants to be in control. She’s kind of the self-appointed leader of the group…and it’s in her best interest to keep all her little ducks in a row.” Oh, damn girl, part deux — do you have a psychologist alter-ego, too?!
Eileen is picking up on a little bit of that, as well, whether she realizes exactly what she’s feeling or not. At brunch, she pulls Lisa aside to tell her that the quizzing on her marriage started to make her uncomfortable the other night. To be fair, I don’t know what she was really expecting. But Lisa half-laughing, half-scoffing through “I apologize if I asked you too many questions” seems about par for the Vanderpump course.
What do you think: Are Lisa’s grand inquisitions just power plays or should Eileen know how to not answer questions she’s uncomfotable with? Could the introduction of new Housewife Kathryn Edwards infuse this season with a little spice next week? Or should Bethenny just be drafted as a permanent Beverly Hills player?