It’s been a week since Tiny Horse-Gate, and I think it’s safe to say none of us are over it. How do you recover from the trauma of not being able to purchase a tiny horse? You buy two! Well that’s at least that’s how Lisa Vanderpump chooses to operate. She also apparently has lots of contacts with access to miniature animals. So Lisa’s pal Hank shows up at her house in an SUV with a pair of mini horses — a mother and a baby. I believe the mother is named Tina, but it was confusing because a woman emerged from the car — after a good 10 minutes I might add — and claimed to be named Tina as well. Lotta Tinas. So now Lisa has 8 swans, 7 dogs, 2 mini horses, and 1 pig. It’s like Noah’s Arc but with a lot more wine and sequins.
We cut to Erika, who’s having a convo with her husband in the middle of the day while lounging in her robe. Erika is incredibly busy. You can tell because she’s wearing a robe and lounging on a chaise in the middle of the day. But then it’s time for her to go do Erika Jayne stuff. She has a fitting with her creative director and stylist wherein she tries on something called a “compression catsuit” that looks like something a superhero would wear if she fought crime in Vegas. There’s a fair amount of boobage shown as Erika explains that every woman down deep wants to be Erika Jayne. I don’t know about that. Like does Blythe Danner wanna be Erika Jayne?
Blah blah blah Vince and Eileen blah blah blah poker blah blah race track blah blah.
Kyle takes her entire brood to the jewelry store for Sophia and Portia to get their ears pierced. Does Claire’s Boutique no longer exist? Don’t girls get their ears pierced in malls? Anyway, they go back to the place where Sophia previously got her ears pierced and had a meltdown. Janet, the lady with the piercing gun, does not look psyched to have these gals back. Janet also has not updated her hairdo in the passing years. So Sophia flips out again. You’d think she was being waterboarded by Janet. Then, it’s Portia’s turn and she flips out. Kyle tells a very odd story about how Portia stopped breathing as a baby briefly, and the hospital staff called her a drama queen. I feel like maybe that hospital should have some sort of inspection.
Back at Casa Vanderpump, Ken finally meets the two mini horses and acts exactly how a 70-year-old should greet two mini horses: non-plussed. More specifically, he’s concerned about all the poop they’ll create. One might think there would be mini turds, but one of the tiny horses starts peeing and it’s like a hose shooting out of its underbelly. So much for tiny bathroom behavior.
For some reason, David and Yolanda return to their Malibu mansion. I thought they were selling that thing? Well in any case there was sadly no shot of that giant refrigerator or nary one lemon tree. IT’S LIKE A WORLD GONE MAD. It takes David Foster a good two minutes to announce that he has to leave in a few days to perform for the Pope. Yolanda has the great idea to have Erika Jayne perform with the Pope. That sounds like the next installment in The DaVinci Code series… apocalyptic kind of stuff.
Once she’s done scaring the living hell out of Portia, Kyle takes her youngest to an acting class. The teacher is a very oddly dressed woman (why was she in workout clothes and pigtails) who also did not seem to be a very good actress.
This was the episode where apparently everyone went to Canada. Lisa Rinna’s family headed up North without her while she sold her line at QVC. And then Yolanda and David went to Canada and wore matching life preservers. The other part of the trip seemed to be David wanting to do things and Yolanda declining. But she did make him coffee!
Lisa V. finally decides its time for her pals to meet the mini horses. So she invites over Kyle and Lisa R. and a very late Eileen. While they’re waiting for Eileen, the girls just gossip, which of course includes Kim Richards talk. Apparently she threw shade on Lisa V. on Entertainment Tonight while promoting her critically acclaimed appearance in Sharknado 3. Lisa R. then throws shade on that by insinuating that maybe Kim wanted to deflect being involved in that movie.
Rinna was just full of the dickens at this little luncheon. She then tells the gals that people are talking about Yolanda’s Instagram and concerned and confused. Frankly, I’m concerned about a group of women over 40 discussing some other lady’s Instagram. Rinna pulls out her phone and starts reading from the Munchausen Syndrome Wikipedia page. Basically, she thinks Yolanda might be making herself sick and it might not by Lyme disease. Eileen finally arrives and immediately thinks something is up. Lisa R. tells her that there are Malibu citizens doubting Yolanda’s sickness. Eileen seems let down. Frankly, gurl, I’m there with ya. This was not a very dramatic reveal. Dare I say it… I miss Brandi.