I don’t know about you all, but I’m really rethinking my purchase of a tiny horse now after tonight’s episode of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills! They appear to be quite problematic and pregnant donkeys can easily pass for them. Does the UN know about this?!?
Basically this episode could have been titled “Tiny Horses & Huge Hats” — those were the recurring themes. We began the episode in Italy, where Kyle and Lisa toured Florence in giant floppy hats as if they were Jennifer Lopez in 2000. They briefly discussed the wedding of Kyle’s niece, Nicky, while perusing bad beach cover-ups, but it was pretty minor. Then, Lisa and Ken boarded a helicopter and headed off to Monaco as one does.
Back in Beverly Hills, Yolanda’s scenes on the show now involve her having some sort of medical treatment amidst venetian blinds. Tonight’s ep was no different… except this time she brings her “good friend” Erika, who’s one of the new housewives. Erika’s husband, a big time lawyer, apparently knows David Foster and that’s how the gals became friends. Knowing Yolanda, I’m guessing she invited Erika over to the Malibu compound for lemon picking. Erika met Yolanda at some event, and ol’ Yo had a side pony and pumps — that’s what sold Erika on Yolanda being awesome. Seems like a low threshold, but whatever. Erika mentions colonics, breast implants, and Botox within the first five minutes of meeting her, so I’m in.
Later we get to see Erika’s home, which seems pretty nice in a very Dynasty-kind of way, and her husband who apparently was part of the real Erin Brockovich case. Like is he the guy Albert Finney played? I need more information. Erika takes her hubby on a tour of their sprawling backyard because there is some tile chipped in their fountain. Important stuff going on. But then Erika heads to the studio for her “other life.” While I was hoping she was some sort of vigilante, it turns out she’s just a C-list pop star who sings songs like “Painkillr.” And she seems real determined to make herself an even bigger star. Sigh. I see many Watch What Happens Live performances in the future.
The major action happened about halfway through the episode when Lisa V. and Lisa R. took a private jet to Ohio to pick up a tiny horse for Ken’s 70th birthday. I promise you everything I just wrote is accurate. Apparently, Lisa felt the need for more animals on their property, and a mini horse was the natural solution. The pair take a plane courtesy of her friend “Mossy” and are dressed like they’re headed to dude ranch in Wyoming. Like jeans, cowboy hats, and boots. They’re going to Ohio. I repeat Ohio. The Midwest. Ohio. Eventually they thankfully realize that they look quite ludicrous. It’s also unclear during this entire time whether they’re kidnapping this poor animal or borrowing it or adopting it.
Finally they get to the farm and meet Rosebud, the tiny horse who’s wearing a tutu for no apparent reason. There’s hours of fun and petting and holding and blah blah. But then Lisa R. tried to run with Rosebud and the horse seems to struggle. Could it be lame? Well Lisa V. has no place for a lame mini horse! What the hell would she do with that? So they decide to just put the horse on hold and have a doctor check it out. It’s basically like they went to BCBG and put a dress on hold for prom… except this dress is a diminutive horse.
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So the ladies take Mossy’s plane back to Bev Hills and celebrate Ken’s 70th with — what else? — a big hat party. Old men love those!!! Ghosts of Housewives Past return like Camille and Lisa R.’s lip competition, Taylor. The latter announces that she’s moving back to Beverly Hills and maybe to Lisa V.’s neighborhood!!! Well, Vanderpump is not psyched about Lips McGee back in the ‘hood. Kyle then reveals that she thinks the mini horse was actually a small pregnant donkey! And the tutu was to hide her burgeoning belly!!! Is this a scam that actually happens? Kyle should host a To Catch a Predator show on donkey breeders.
During lunch, Taylor says she doesn’t fully understand Yolanda’s happy/sad Instagram feed. Frankly, I don’t understand why Taylor would need Instagram but sure. She also thinks Yolanda has been misdiagnosed. I feel the seeds being planted for a major story line. Finally, Lisa gives a big toast to Ken and alludes to a “69” in his future, which makes Pandora squirm (and the viewers). Then, most of the gals jump in the pool in white dresses (also Lisa V. is sans bra), and then somebody shoves Ken in, and he almost breaks a hip. What a fun big hat party!