As a lady from Texas, I can tell you on good authority that everything is bigger in Dubai — the buildings are taller, the muumuus more billowing, and the drama…so out of this world you literally will not know what is happening. You may think you know what is happening for a moment — hey, these women are having a nice dinner on a boat! — only to realize that they’re actually neglecting the chicken piccata and screaming at each other not to LIE about LYING!
As notorious Housewives fan Justin Bieber once asked, “Is it too late now to say sorry?” To that, Lisa Vanderpump would respond, “What is this word ‘sorry’? It’s about three months to late to ask for an apology, if that’s what you mean, though.” This week the Real Sex and the City Women of Nobu Dubai are discussing the exact same drama as they were last week — like, seriously, the exact same seven words: “Why didn’t you bring Kyle into it?” Did Lisa Vanderpump say it? I don’t know. (I mean, yes, she almost definitely said it.) Does Lisa Rinna deserve an apology if she did? Definitely not — it had absolutely no effect how much Rinna went on to flap her gums about the M-word. Maybe Kyle deserves one, though she doesn’t seem to want it. But you know who should definitely get an apology?
Us! For having our glamorous vicarious trip to Dubai’s tallest buildings and finest malls torched with a faulty plot flamethrower all in the name of drama. I think I probably would have been fine with just seeing these women be driven around in variously sized open-air vehicles for the entire hour; maybe we could have just watched the entire process of Kathryn getting turned into Erika by her gay glam squad in real time; but another ruined dinner — that we did not need.
After all, Erika came to Dubai “to be driven in a white Phantom to a fabulous mall to get some good shopping on… Can we just go lose our minds at the mall?” Sure you can, Erika. Just make sure to bring a million dollars, and know that no matter how many Chanel wallets you buy, you cannot keep Eileen from hollering, “I declare MANIPULATION!” during the first salad course that you encounter.
And Eileen actually gets an honest-to-goodness apology before the last ruined dinner of the trip. The women head up to the 152nd floor of the Burj Khalifa so that Kyle can talk about how afraid of heights she is but overcame that feat to venture out on the deck for a selfie…and because it’s actually incredible. For some reason, Lisa Vanderpump decides that 2,717 feet in the air is where she should finally give Eileen a legitimate apology about asking too many questions about her affair that time. Well, it’s a kind of legitimate apology. We get an excellent flashback to Kyle trying to teach LVP how to apologize the night before… “I apologize for using the wrong terminology,” which Lisa offers up: WRONG! “I honestly had no idea that would hurt you like that — I apologize,” which Kyle suggests: RIGHT! And so, that’s exactly what Lisa says to Eileen as their caftans swirl around them. Lisa doesn’t mean it, and Eileen accepts the apology without really seeming to mean it, and I think Kathryn is right: It might truly be a cultural difference.
Oh, right, Kathryn — it’s her birthday! And so far she’s been to the mall to shop for expensive shoes and purses, Erika loaned her glam squad out to her to make her look fierce, and she got a vocab lesson on the word “hunty,” which she feels much more comfortable using than…the alternative. What could possibly bring this special day down? (Spoiler alert: Never — and I mean never — put the Housewives on a boat.)
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