As a lady from Texas, I can tell you on good authority that everything is bigger in Dubai — the buildings are taller, the muumuus more billowing, and the drama…so out of this world you literally will not know what is happening. You may think you know what is happening for a moment — hey, these women are having a nice dinner on a boat! — only to realize that they’re actually neglecting the chicken piccata and screaming at each other not to LIE about LYING!
As notorious Housewives fan Justin Bieber once asked, “Is it too late now to say sorry?” To that, Lisa Vanderpump would respond, “What is this word ‘sorry’? It’s about three months to late to ask for an apology, if that’s what you mean, though.” This week the Real Sex and the City Women of Nobu Dubai are discussing the exact same drama as they were last week — like, seriously, the exact same seven words: “Why didn’t you bring Kyle into it?” Did Lisa Vanderpump say it? I don’t know. (I mean, yes, she almost definitely said it.) Does Lisa Rinna deserve an apology if she did? Definitely not — it had absolutely no effect how much Rinna went on to flap her gums about the M-word. Maybe Kyle deserves one, though she doesn’t seem to want it. But you know who should definitely get an apology?
Us! For having our glamorous vicarious trip to Dubai’s tallest buildings and finest malls torched with a faulty plot flamethrower all in the name of drama. I think I probably would have been fine with just seeing these women be driven around in variously sized open-air vehicles for the entire hour; maybe we could have just watched the entire process of Kathryn getting turned into Erika by her gay glam squad in real time; but another ruined dinner — that we did not need.
After all, Erika came to Dubai “to be driven in a white Phantom to a fabulous mall to get some good shopping on… Can we just go lose our minds at the mall?” Sure you can, Erika. Just make sure to bring a million dollars, and know that no matter how many Chanel wallets you buy, you cannot keep Eileen from hollering, “I declare MANIPULATION!” during the first salad course that you encounter.
And Eileen actually gets an honest-to-goodness apology before the last ruined dinner of the trip. The women head up to the 152nd floor of the Burj Khalifa so that Kyle can talk about how afraid of heights she is but overcame that feat to venture out on the deck for a selfie…and because it’s actually incredible. For some reason, Lisa Vanderpump decides that 2,717 feet in the air is where she should finally give Eileen a legitimate apology about asking too many questions about her affair that time. Well, it’s a kind of legitimate apology. We get an excellent flashback to Kyle trying to teach LVP how to apologize the night before… “I apologize for using the wrong terminology,” which Lisa offers up: WRONG! “I honestly had no idea that would hurt you like that — I apologize,” which Kyle suggests: RIGHT! And so, that’s exactly what Lisa says to Eileen as their caftans swirl around them. Lisa doesn’t mean it, and Eileen accepts the apology without really seeming to mean it, and I think Kathryn is right: It might truly be a cultural difference.
Oh, right, Kathryn — it’s her birthday! And so far she’s been to the mall to shop for expensive shoes and purses, Erika loaned her glam squad out to her to make her look fierce, and she got a vocab lesson on the word “hunty,” which she feels much more comfortable using than…the alternative. What could possibly bring this special day down? (Spoiler alert: Never — and I mean never — put the Housewives on a boat.)
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While the chosen Housewives are enjoying the highly air-conditioned malls of Dubai, Yolanda has trotted her new besties, Brandi and Kim, out to a park to have a picnic from the Whole Foods prepared-food section. Brandi wears a T-shirt to this picnic with a recovering addict that says, “It’s Not Fun To Be Sober,” which is incredibly cool of her. But don’t worry, she brought shirts for everybody! Well, actually, she forgot Yolanda’s, which says, “SICK,” but she remember Kim’s, which says, “MEDICATED.” Kim was a real trooper while trying to act like the crappiness of anyone else’s year could possibly compare to hers, and Yolanda makes a lot of foreboding comments about “no one staying together anymore.” Brandi talks about sex with younger men.
So, anyway — back to Dubai, where the women who are all a little mad at each other are boarding a yacht from which they cannot escape. The crew splits off into two cliques — those who believe Lisa Vanderpump to be a manipulator and those who would just prefer not to think about it. The final decree from Lisa Rinna and Eileen is this: “Yolanda and Lisa hate each other so much that they are willing to do anything to get at each other. And I think we were all pawns in the game.” And listen, I’m not saying that’s untrue — but I am saying Lisa Rinna has come up with this whole theory and this quote from three months ago to try and get the heat off of her for talking so much smack all season. That’s just a fact.
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Everyone acts like they’re just going to have a good time, and then at dinner, as we listen to the SNL-like clanking of utensils, Kyle feels it necessary to point out that things are awkward. So Rinna feels it necessary to say that she thinks this all boils down to LVP and Yolanda, and Eileen backs her up by saying that LVP set Rinna up to be the scapegoat for all the Munchausen talk. Their apparent proof of that is the one time that Lisa said something along the lines of, “Why didn’t you bring Kyle into it?” (actual syntax used is up for debate). LVP continues to insist that she didn’t say that, even though Kyle has said that she admitted directly to her that she did say it.
Then it turns into a fight between Lisa and Kyle because Kyle feels like Lisa is making her lie and Lisa feels like…I don’t know, like Kyle should lie for her because that’s just the way they do things? But since Lisa is insisting she never said it, she’s upset that Kyle thinks she would have ever tried to throw her under the bus like that. And call me crazy, but I kind of think there is a difference between “I thought you were going to bring Kyle to it” and “Why didn’t you bring Kyle into it?” Which is a surefire sign that this season has gotten to my head, and it’s time to take my leave.
It all ends in awkward birthday cake and many indignant slams of fists against yacht tables, so rest assured — we will be covering the exact same territory next week! What do you think? Will Lisa ever apologize for the many things people feel they’re owed apologies for? Are they really owed those apologies? And answer me this: Is it too late now to say sorry? Sound off in the comments!