I agree with Lisa Rinna about exactly one thing: “I need a big, fat f—ing drink.” Because maybe if I were drunk, I would have understood any of the arguments in tonight’s episode of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Pretending you’re Carrie Bradshaw because you look half-ridiculous, half-glamorous — I get. Not being able to stop bragging about your aquarium room — sure, I get that, an aquarium room is like the adult version of a race car bed. Hell, I think I could even get down with Eileen’s travel overalls before I could begin to understand ruining multiple beautiful vacation dinners (and one pitch-black lunch at Nobu Dubai) in order to hash out a single sentence that was said months ago and then never brought up again…at least, not until everyone was staying in $40,000-a-night hotel rooms.
That’s right — we’re still talking about Munchausen. Well, actually, what the RHOBH ladies do these days is talk about talking about Munchausen. It almost makes me miss the good old days when everyone was just questioning the validity of their friend’s illness. But despite the familiar thematic territory, the women are still exploring their new digs in Dubai. Erika and Eileen spend the morning at the aquarium because Eileen just f—ing loves aquatic life, apparently; Kathryn and Lisa Rinna go to the spa, where the latter provides some foreshadowing of the episode to come: “My mouth is covered anyway, which is really how it always should be”; and Kyle and Lisa Vanderpump go play with very cute sea lions, where they’re forced to wear wet suits, basically the inverse of a muumuu. Sacrilege.
Luckily, a day in the desert is just the time for lots of flowing fabric, so the ladies don their colorful garb once more and head out for a sunset ride through Dubai’s sands. Erika’s glam squad has finally arrived, so she’s sporting a voluminous mohawk braid, full black eye glitter from lid to brow, and what can only be described a jumpsuit-muumuu. Obviously, it’s very chill. They cruise through the desert in a jeep, watch a falconry show, and finally arrive at a beautiful dinner so that Rinna can start word vomiting everywhere. It’s clear that Lisa Rinna has realized she is carrying one too many torches: She has her questions about Yolanda’s illness, and she’s “enraged” that Yolanda is hanging out with Kim and Brandi, not to mention these nefarious new wig rumors. So, at Eileen’s encouragement, she’s ready to be 100 percent honest with her friends and spread a little blame around.
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At this point in the episode, Rinna just kind of starts spouting off her problems like a drama sprinkler in a story line drought. Her plan at dinner seems to be to talk to Lisa Vanderpump about how she manipulates situations, but first she takes a detour to tell Erika that she judged her because of her scandalous music videos like 100 months ago. Later, Rinna corners LVP alone to ask her why, on the day that she came to Villa Rosa and told the group how she’d engaged in the Munchausen conversation that launched a thousand episodes, Vanderpump had raced after her to say, “Why didn’t you bring Kyle up?” LVP says, no, she didn’t say that.
Rinna is, once again, ENRAGED. As if she has suddenly discovered that her parents have been Santa Claus all along, Rinna says she’s finally seen Vanderpump’s dishonesty with her own two giant, unblinking eyes. Somewhere in the Arabian night, Eileen cackles.
NEXT: What Kyle already knows can’t hurt her…