Oh, everyone is just a work in progress, y’all…bless their little hearts. Yes, a few women among the Atlanta housewives may have been involved in three physical altercations in the last three years or can’t quite figure out how to pay their bills on time or accidentally just wore mesh and a bunch of nipple beads onstage instead of real-life fabric. But, you guys, they’re working on it!
You know who’s already got it all figured out, though? Andy Cohen, who over the course of this three-part reunion special has been slowly reading these little monsters of his own making for filth like the Dr. Frankenstein of reality TV he is. And it seems he’s been slowly working up to tonight — his grand finale — where he’s snatching peaches on the left, telling women ’bout themselves to the right, and throwing down the gauntlet dead-center on just how often RHOA throws around gay-bashing in the name of a cheap laugh.
But this final reunion installment wasn’t all about Andy — it was also about NeNe’s jumpsuit and newly discovered wisdom. Oh, and that footage of Porsha beating up her employee that was ever-so-casually mentioned last week somehow showing up. My eyes actually bugged out when I realized that not only had Porsha physically assaulted another person, but it was caught on film, and we were going to see it. Here are a few other treats from season 8’s final episode:
THE NEW NENE
NeNe is welcomed to the stage wearing a Kardashians-by-Kanye jumpsuit because she wanted to make sure to “give you guys body,” but she also wanted to serve a healthy dose of The New NeNe: She’s calm; she’s wise; she just wants everybody to be happy; and she’s totally cool with Bravo showing her old face in all those flashbacks. We take a tour through her former relationships with some of the other women onstage: She and Sheree used to scream at each other in restaurants sometimes, but that was like three years ago, so they’re totally cool now. (For the record, I have lip balms I’ve held onto longer than that.) She’s also cool with Kenya, who in turn is cool with that time Cynthia was all, “Kenya? Never heard of her.”
TURN THIS HOUSE INTO A HOME (OR MAYBE JUST GIVE IT A ROOF)
We get a flashback to that time Kenya lost her damn mind and tried to come at She by Sheree for having an unfinished house, even though she was only a few days into her own poorly advised home construction project. But hey, everybody ended up happy-home-owning friends, and since they’re each already way over their finish-in-three-months wager and the cameras have stopped rolling, they just list any random date for when their homes will be finished: March 5 for Kenya! In the next four weeks for Sheree! And if you believe that, I’m buying the Golden Gate Bridge to use as a loft bed in my apartment in the very near future!
FRICK AND FRACK AND JUDGMENT
Andy has started referring to Porsha and Phaedra as Frick and Frack, but I prefer to call them Bert and Ernie Contoured Within an Inch of Their Lives. Everyone covers the whole “lady in the streets, freak in the thong” aspect of Phaedra’s duplicitous nature, but NeNe says she was only shocked by Phaedra’s ability to “make her booty move in a circle.” Porsha, on the other hand — both Andy and NeNe both decide that now is finally the time to bring down the hammer on the fact that Phaedra used to wear kitten heels and throw rotten tomatoes at strippers, and now she defends herself by saying, “I will twerk, and I will wear a thong… Just because I like to have a good time and shake my ass doesn’t mean that I don’t have class.” But it does mean she’s a poet and she doesn’t even
wear underwear know it.
A few of the ladies’ male counterparts are brought to the stage so that Todd can beef with Phaedra, Chris can show Porsha that having class often doesn’t actually have much to do with the shaking of one’s ass, and Matt can stare blankly into the distance into a consistently unnerving way. Peter…wears a turtleneck.
NEXT: Chris deserves an apology, but he gives one instead…