What an emotional roller coaster these reunions are. First I can’t stand Kenya; then I bug my eyes out at Porsha; then I can’t stand Kenya some more; then I scoff at Porsha; then I get a quick break to not be able to stand Peter Thomas; and then this damn network called Bravo makes me take sides with Kenya. Which is the worst!
The thing about Kenya is she isn’t always wrong — she’s just wrong 96.6 percent of the time. And the thing about these reunions is they’re not entirely montages of footage we’ve already seen and reiterations of fights we’ve already heard — about 3.4 percent of the time, they’re mind-bending throwaway comments about one-eyed Africans and Sheree muttering funny comments to herself. In this week’s installment, official herder of cats and teacher on permanent recess-monitor duty Andy Cohen once again had to cover how “personal space” is a real issue for these women, but he also got the privilege of briefly co-hosting with Ayden…so we’ll call this one a draw.
Let’s get right down to these mid-level happenings until next week finally brings the husbands and the NeNe.
IF THE BOAT’S A-ROCKIN’, GIRD YOUR ABDOMINAL CONTUSION
Want to know what Porsha and Cynthia think happened on that weird boat ride on Lake Lanier: Porsha called Cynthia “bitch,” but in the not-fun way; Cynthia laid down on a deck chair and Porsha went over to her; Porsha waved her hands in Cynthia’s face; Cynthia grabbed Porsha’s wrist; Porsha straddled Cynthia; Cynthia kicked Porsha off of her. Want to know what really happened? Hammered — they were hammered. I would estimate on something insanely gross like Hennessy mixed with peach concentrate or a plastic cup of tequila with 20 maraschino cherries in it — I don’t know how they got there, but I know where it led them. Which is to Porsha somehow learning the word “contusion” to explain her injuries and both Cynthia and Porsha taking full responsibility for their parts in it, while simultaneously thinking the other one is just a little more responsible than them.
But the most important result of discussing this fight yet again was Kenya jumping in — are you shocked? — sort of to Cynthia’s defense but mostly just to call out Porsha for being involved in another violent incident. Porsha shoots back that Kenya always threatens people, and Kenya says, “Well, let’s get to the point of you beating up your assistant at the finale, let’s talk about that.” And that is something I did not know about! Another thing I didn’t know about: “Well then, let’s talk about you and the one-eyed African who’s married, honey.” A list of things we find out about Kenya’s alleged one-eyed African, in order of intrigue: he’s African; he has one eye; he’s a preacher, apparently a co-preacher with his wife. And instead of Andy detouring this speeding train of nonsense into investigative journalism territory to find out more about this mystery man, we just get…
Another montage of Kenya’s family reunion. I think we all have sympathy for Kenya’s situation with her mom and the pain that it still causes her. But it’s also been pretty well-established at this point. There’s not a lot of new information to discuss here — OR IS THERE??? I’ll pass the mic to “Mister Ray from D.C.” via Andy’s cue cards: “Kenya, you’ve said on the show that you’ve never had a relationship with your mom, but in a People magazine article from May 1993, you tell a story about how your mom called to congratulate you for winning Miss USA. Why would you turn her away when she clearly tried to connect with you?” Oh damn, Mister Ray came with receipts!
But the grief glimpse of excitement evaporates when Kenya explains that she didn’t call to congratulate her — she gave People a quote when they called her, and then she called Kenya to tell her to stop talking about her to the press. I once again hand the mic to Andy: “Then I have to imagine she’s not thrilled about how much you’ve talked about her on this show.” Kenya says she doesn’t care because it’s not about her mother, and I hope for Kenya’s sake, as well as ours, that she can really move on this time.
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PETER THOMAS, CHARLOTTE RESIDENT
Not moving on are Cynthia and Peter, who insist that they’re not separated when Peter comes to join the women onstage wearing a turtleneck the color of merlot and a smirk in the shade of crusty smugness. Cynthia is shooting daggers out of her eyes from the moment the roll the montage of their marital problems (including neck-sniffing video, but thankfully not including that traumatizing kitchen massage — you know what, I’m sorry I brought it up again). Andy keeps pushing on the fact that because Peter is spending most of his time in Charlotte and Cynthia never goes to Charlotte, then it sounds like they’re separated, but Peter says they’re just working on their “brands.” And then he says this doozy of a sentence: “I could be a soldier in the army and I’m gon’ run away from my wife for nine months and nobody would be talking about it.” Did Peter just compare a soldier having to go on active duty to him slinging Buffalo wings in North Carolina?
NEXT: Those poor, poor Charlotte waitresses…
Andy asks Cynthia if she thought Peter looked guilty in that video, and Cynthia says, “I know Peter. I think if he was going to come on to someone, he probably wouldn’t do it in a club — I think he would be a little more discreet about it actually,” which reads like shaaaaade to me. A little more obvious in the shade department is Porsha getting brought into the mix because she’s always acting like she knows something about Peter and saying, “Your house isn’t exactly clean — like, you need to clean your porch.” Kenya comes to Cynthia’s defense by bringing up Porsha’s many alleged African boyfriends who allegedly buy her things, and I’ll just have to give you the transcript of their interaction because not only do I not understand half the things they’re talking about, I don’t think I could give any sort of commentary on it without getting fired:
Kenya: I don’t lie on my back to make some change.
Porsha: Yes, you do, a small piece of change — maybe you should get a dry piece of change instead of a wet piece of change in that ditch.
Kenya: You need to shut your mouth, Porsha, because if it’s not a d— in it, you don’t even know what you’re saying.
[pause to gasp and bug your eyes out]
Porsha: Why don’t you talk about the one you tuck every day before you come to work.
Wowzers. That was…terrible, and we’re not even to the part where a bunch of these women stand up for a man being violent toward them. Porsha says that she’s not the one who’s responsible for the rumors about Peter cheating; you could just walk up to any 19-year-old girl in Atlanta: “Find out your waitresses are getting paid…and it’s full of penis.” My ears are officially bleeding, and I mourn for the 19-year-old waitresses at Peter Thomas sports bars.
HOW PHAEDRA GOT HER GROOVE BACK
I also pray that little Ayden, who just arrived at the Biltmore from school with lunchbox in hand, did not hear any of that penis-talk. He wanders out on stage to see what’s going on and Andy lets him sit in his chair and ask the ladies a few questions, including, “Mommy — why are you here?” I like to think that all the women took a little moment for introspection following that existential moment…but I don’t want to kid myself.
Phaedra talks a little bit about Apollo; Kandi gives her opinion on how Phaedra should be dealing with it with her sons, which is something she should really probably stop giving opinions on; and Phaedra says that for all the opinions that come flying at her about how the boys need their father in their lives, none of the men (save Gregg and Chris) have stepped up to the plate to offer male support, especially the bros Apollo used to run around with. Andy at least brings this one back around to a point of positivity, though, by bringing up the sweet scene between Ayden and Phaedra when he was scared in the car on the way to his first day of kindergarten. Phaedra says no matter how much they grow up, you always see your children as babies, so to see Ayden scared broke her heart. There’s so much goodwill for Phaedra built up during this emotional and honest moment…
UGH, THIS AGAIN — MIAMI CHAPTER
…and then she had to blow it by continuing to try to blame Glen’s violence in Miami on Kenya antagonizing him. After rolling the footage from the awful Miami incident (including Phaedra comparing Glen to Mike Brown, which Kenya says the president of Black Lives Matter tweeted was an inappropriate comparison), Andy asks the women who felt threatened by Glen’s behavior at the party; only Kandi and Kenya raise their hands, but let me tell you something, even if that’s the truth, two women feeling threatened by a man is plenty of reason to ask him to leave a party. Porsha tries to say that Kenya should have asked security to ask him to leave, and then she says it was Kenya who invited Glen in the first place, and then Phaedra says that Kenya “wanted” him, which is where I about lose my mind.
Sure, maybe Kenya invited Glen and flirted with him on the boat and got rejected — maybe that even annoyed her a little. But just because a woman is briefly attracted to a man doesn’t mean she owes it to him to give his aggressive behavior a pass — and there’s no doubt that the man’s language was aggressive. And Kandi had finally had enough of them defending that man in the name of blaming Kenya for one more thing, too: “She didn’t slap him, she didn’t hit him, she didn’t even call him out his name. So y’all are just pacifying it like he didn’t even do anything, and I cannot believe y’all are acting like that was okay!” She even stands up for Kenya by saying that, yes, she does some crazy stuff, but in this situation, she was justified: “He should never have aggressively turned around, started throwing up gang signs like he was fixing to do something. It shouldn’t have happened.”
Silence in the court.
Next week: NeNe and NeNe’s jumpsuit!