What an emotional roller coaster these reunions are. First I can’t stand Kenya; then I bug my eyes out at Porsha; then I can’t stand Kenya some more; then I scoff at Porsha; then I get a quick break to not be able to stand Peter Thomas; and then this damn network called Bravo makes me take sides with Kenya. Which is the worst!
The thing about Kenya is she isn’t always wrong — she’s just wrong 96.6 percent of the time. And the thing about these reunions is they’re not entirely montages of footage we’ve already seen and reiterations of fights we’ve already heard — about 3.4 percent of the time, they’re mind-bending throwaway comments about one-eyed Africans and Sheree muttering funny comments to herself. In this week’s installment, official herder of cats and teacher on permanent recess-monitor duty Andy Cohen once again had to cover how “personal space” is a real issue for these women, but he also got the privilege of briefly co-hosting with Ayden…so we’ll call this one a draw.
Let’s get right down to these mid-level happenings until next week finally brings the husbands and the NeNe.
IF THE BOAT’S A-ROCKIN’, GIRD YOUR ABDOMINAL CONTUSION
Want to know what Porsha and Cynthia think happened on that weird boat ride on Lake Lanier: Porsha called Cynthia “bitch,” but in the not-fun way; Cynthia laid down on a deck chair and Porsha went over to her; Porsha waved her hands in Cynthia’s face; Cynthia grabbed Porsha’s wrist; Porsha straddled Cynthia; Cynthia kicked Porsha off of her. Want to know what really happened? Hammered — they were hammered. I would estimate on something insanely gross like Hennessy mixed with peach concentrate or a plastic cup of tequila with 20 maraschino cherries in it — I don’t know how they got there, but I know where it led them. Which is to Porsha somehow learning the word “contusion” to explain her injuries and both Cynthia and Porsha taking full responsibility for their parts in it, while simultaneously thinking the other one is just a little more responsible than them.
But the most important result of discussing this fight yet again was Kenya jumping in — are you shocked? — sort of to Cynthia’s defense but mostly just to call out Porsha for being involved in another violent incident. Porsha shoots back that Kenya always threatens people, and Kenya says, “Well, let’s get to the point of you beating up your assistant at the finale, let’s talk about that.” And that is something I did not know about! Another thing I didn’t know about: “Well then, let’s talk about you and the one-eyed African who’s married, honey.” A list of things we find out about Kenya’s alleged one-eyed African, in order of intrigue: he’s African; he has one eye; he’s a preacher, apparently a co-preacher with his wife. And instead of Andy detouring this speeding train of nonsense into investigative journalism territory to find out more about this mystery man, we just get…
Another montage of Kenya’s family reunion. I think we all have sympathy for Kenya’s situation with her mom and the pain that it still causes her. But it’s also been pretty well-established at this point. There’s not a lot of new information to discuss here — OR IS THERE??? I’ll pass the mic to “Mister Ray from D.C.” via Andy’s cue cards: “Kenya, you’ve said on the show that you’ve never had a relationship with your mom, but in a People magazine article from May 1993, you tell a story about how your mom called to congratulate you for winning Miss USA. Why would you turn her away when she clearly tried to connect with you?” Oh damn, Mister Ray came with receipts!
But the grief glimpse of excitement evaporates when Kenya explains that she didn’t call to congratulate her — she gave People a quote when they called her, and then she called Kenya to tell her to stop talking about her to the press. I once again hand the mic to Andy: “Then I have to imagine she’s not thrilled about how much you’ve talked about her on this show.” Kenya says she doesn’t care because it’s not about her mother, and I hope for Kenya’s sake, as well as ours, that she can really move on this time.
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PETER THOMAS, CHARLOTTE RESIDENT
Not moving on are Cynthia and Peter, who insist that they’re not separated when Peter comes to join the women onstage wearing a turtleneck the color of merlot and a smirk in the shade of crusty smugness. Cynthia is shooting daggers out of her eyes from the moment the roll the montage of their marital problems (including neck-sniffing video, but thankfully not including that traumatizing kitchen massage — you know what, I’m sorry I brought it up again). Andy keeps pushing on the fact that because Peter is spending most of his time in Charlotte and Cynthia never goes to Charlotte, then it sounds like they’re separated, but Peter says they’re just working on their “brands.” And then he says this doozy of a sentence: “I could be a soldier in the army and I’m gon’ run away from my wife for nine months and nobody would be talking about it.” Did Peter just compare a soldier having to go on active duty to him slinging Buffalo wings in North Carolina?
NEXT: Those poor, poor Charlotte waitresses…