I don’t know what Kim Fields is talking about — this is a totally classy bunch. Just look at all these beautiful blush-toned gowns! And hardly anyone has an entire boob out, except for that breast wedge salad that Kandi is serving, and she basically delivered a baby, started his verified Instagram account, and then hobbled straight over to the Biltmore, so she can do whatever the hell she wants in my book as long as she does it in that lovely sage green. Yes, what an elegant hour this first reunion installment shall be…
Oh, sorry. That was the intro I had written before everyone started screaming at each other and Kenya made the fatal mistake of making a That’s What He Said “swallowing” joke about Andy. Don’t come for your boss unless you want to get read by your boss, hunny.
KENYA. This woman! I cannot! Let’s just say she starts out by responding to Andy’s questions about her rumored pregnancy by demurring, “I can’t really tell you anything right now,” and it only gets more absurd from there. But first, we must address the ensembles: Kandi is wearing a pregnancy glow and a new bob that looks to have possibly been greased with that nipple cream Phaedra gave her; Phaedra actually looks fabulous in her long-sleeve champagne gown; Cynthia is in ruffles and irrelevance (for now); Porsha is wearing kind of formal “Britney at the 2001 MTV Video Music Awards” mesh number; Kenya’s in I don’t care and neither should you; and Kim Fields is serving Marilyn realness up top, and for a moment, I’m so proud of her for not wearing an inch of tie-dye or elastic waistband…until I peep what appears to be a velvet pant beneath her gown. Even in formalwear, the woman cannot resist a Bermuda short.
But style be damned, the first part of this season 8 reunion was the Kim Fields show, and I’ll touch on the other things the ladies discussed in advance of it, but it all boils down to the most dramatic utterance of “SAY SOMETHING” since those two guys sang that song with Christina Aguilera that you’ve had in your head for a year and a half…
THE SHADY BUNCH
As always, about half of this reunion episode is montages of the season, but it means we get to see NeNe and Phaedra’s Jamaica impersonation again, so who cares! After reviewing the last 20 episodes of shade, the women assess that “Shaedra Parks” gives it the best, and just as a little proof, I give you her response to Kenya getting mad at her for calling her “oatmeal pie face”: “I’m not attacking your looks; I’m attacking your skin.”
KANDI: LESS PREGNANT… LESS BORING?
All you need to know here is that baby Ace has his own Instagram account with nearly 150K followers, and in response to a video of Todd trying Kandi’s breast milk, Andy says, “It’s better from the tap.” Andy and Andy’s freak flag were the real star of this reunion.
IS KIM FIELDS RHOA MATERIAL?
After Kim’s montage that mostly features her being a wife and a mother, Andy calls into question whether Kim is cut out for RHOA and takes a round-robin of responses: Kenya says no because she’s condescending, like the time Kim said it was fine by her if she didn’t fit in with this group of women, which Kenya calls “a pretty nasty dig.” (I wonder where Kenya’s already infamous “unless you have a dick in your mouth” comment ranks on that “dig” scale?) Kandi says no because Kim doesn’t really deal with confrontation, which is basically the bread and butter of this show; Phaedra says no because she doesn’t engage; Porsha says no because she’s a little judgmental and because she won’t be her auntie; Cynthia says maybe Kim was just uncomfortable. And Kim’s like, I don’t give a what, I got my check and a Dancing With the Stars gig. Also during this Sheree maybe, kind of, sort of offers to prostitute her hot son to Porsha.
PHAEDRA + KANDI =
What’s happening with Phaedra and Kandi’s friendship? Well… Phaedra checked in on Kandi after her pregnancy, Kandi said she wanted some chicken salad, and Phaedra brought her some. What more do you need to know? Oh yes, the small matter of Kandi keeping Phaedra’s felon husband’s belongings in her garage. Kandi says she didn’t know that was a secret. And about that coupl’a G’s Phaedra owed Todd: Phaedra can hardly say Todd’s name without Kandi’s voice starting to quiver like one of Porsha’s bikini straps holding on for dear life, but she says that he’s now been paid all his money and then tries to act like the reason it hasn’t been released is because she’s having to pay people to do more editing. I hope all of your donkey booties are in decent shape because we are never seeing that footage.
Basically, it seems impossible that Kandi and Phaedra will ever be the kind of friends they once were, but I like to pretend that off-camera nothing has changed and they’re just eating a bunch of chicken salad and playing with their cute sons. They also talk about when awful Don Juan inserted himself in Phaedra and Porsha’s conversation about Todd, which somehow leads to Kandi quiver-screaming, “DON’T GO IN AND LET HAVE IF IT’S NOT TRUE! IF I GO IN AND LET HAVE, IT’S GON’ BE TRUE!” And I literally have no idea what that means, but you better believe I’m going to roll it out that next time a cable company representative tries to cop a ‘tude with me.
NEXT: Kenya is a STAR…
KENYA & KIM & KLA$$
I don’t even… I don’t even know how to explain what happened here. I should probably start by explaining that Andy — surely a man of patience — seemed already on his last nerve with Kenya after he caught her texting “Matt” in the middle of filming. That, on top of the aforementioned “swallowing” joke, and Andy had no problem starting with a “viewer request” for Kim to rank Kenya’s acting on a scale from 1 to 10. Kim goes out of her way to say that she thought Kenya did a good job with the comedic moments of her pilot, which somehow leads to Kenya saying, “That’s biting the hand that feeds you. I brought you into this group, so you need to understand that,” which is just…incredible. Andy Cohen, the literal hand that literally feeds Kenya looks like he’s about to throw up from holding in his laughter.
But our boy has another softball all lined up: Since Kenya seemed so intent on doing so all season, how would Kim compare her and Kenya’s careers? Ha! Kim says he would have to ask Kenya, and Kenya offers up this doozy: “I don’t think my career has been better than hers; I don’t think mine has been better than hers.” A quick interlude for me to say: WHAT?! Now back to Kenya: “This is the third time I’ve worked with her — she’s on a stage that I’m the star of right now, so if you’re asking me where we are right now, she’s here, coming for my purse.” I feel a lot of ways about this kitchen sink of a statement: I think it’s maybe the most honest thing Kenya has ever said, in that she’s aware that Housewives fame is fickle and fleeting and that she knows Kim could take that away from her. And Kenya also has a decent point: Does it matter what went on in their careers before this? Because here they are, in the exact same place.
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But here’s the thing: Kenya doesn’t actually say that at all! She says that she’s a *STAR* and that Kim is “the lowest man on the totem pole.” And when Andy brings up all the commercial drama and asks if Kenya invading Kim’s personal space and pulling out her chair was finally her breaking point, ironically, that’s when Kim seems to reach her current breaking point because while she’s trying to explain her feelings on the situation, Kenya interrupts her for the umpteenth time to explain her own personal views on breaking points. Porsha screams, “You pushed her to a breaking point, you just happened to not get the reaction you deserved, Kenya!” which has to be the most eloquent think Porsha has ever said. I mean, she screeches it at an octave only Velociraptors and RHOA recappers can hear, but still…
Now Andy the Beast moves onto his final play which deserves a full transcript:
Andy: It seems like you’re jealous of Kim
Kenya: Listen, I’m not going to take anything away from the fact that she was a child star…
Andy: She’s also continued working since—
Kenya: Yes, in the ’90s, she sure did—
Andy: You were Miss USA in the ’90s.
Sheree continues her role as Statler and Waldorf by whispering, “Look at Andy! Andy got a good ol’ read over there,” like a proud mama bear. There’s much discussion of Kim saying “I’m Kim Fields!” to her husband, Chris, after the chair-pulling event which everyone else sees as her just blowing off steam and finally bossing up a little bit, as Kandi put it, but nope, Kenya is still 100 percent convinced that Kim is arrogant and always “putting down the group,” even though “the group” generally responds to those accusations by staring into the distance and trying to count all the zeros on their paychecks in their heads.
But then Kenya interrupts Kim one too many times, she starts clapping at her, Kenya claps back that she is not her child, and everyone is screamingggggg. Kim starts to talk again, and Kenya — I kid you not! — interrupts to say, “What is your point now?” Then Kim bites back, “I. Am. Making. It.” She starts to talk again, spots Kenya sucking in a breath, expels her soul from her body, forgets she’s ever read the Bible in her life, and spits, “SAY SOMETHING.” It’s incredible. Kenya does say something else, about how she’s always bullied or some ish, but it does not matter… Kim Fields might have waited ’til the last minute, but she at least finally proved that, when called upon, she can earn her spot on this show.
So what did you think of Lil’ Kimmy earning her big girl britches tonight? Did you find Kenya completely insufferable, or could you get behind some of her points? And finally, please leave all of the ways in which you would like to see Peter Thomas be taken down in next week’s part two in the comments!