I don’t know what Kim Fields is talking about — this is a totally classy bunch. Just look at all these beautiful blush-toned gowns! And hardly anyone has an entire boob out, except for that breast wedge salad that Kandi is serving, and she basically delivered a baby, started his verified Instagram account, and then hobbled straight over to the Biltmore, so she can do whatever the hell she wants in my book as long as she does it in that lovely sage green. Yes, what an elegant hour this first reunion installment shall be…
Oh, sorry. That was the intro I had written before everyone started screaming at each other and Kenya made the fatal mistake of making a That’s What He Said “swallowing” joke about Andy. Don’t come for your boss unless you want to get read by your boss, hunny.
KENYA. This woman! I cannot! Let’s just say she starts out by responding to Andy’s questions about her rumored pregnancy by demurring, “I can’t really tell you anything right now,” and it only gets more absurd from there. But first, we must address the ensembles: Kandi is wearing a pregnancy glow and a new bob that looks to have possibly been greased with that nipple cream Phaedra gave her; Phaedra actually looks fabulous in her long-sleeve champagne gown; Cynthia is in ruffles and irrelevance (for now); Porsha is wearing kind of formal “Britney at the 2001 MTV Video Music Awards” mesh number; Kenya’s in I don’t care and neither should you; and Kim Fields is serving Marilyn realness up top, and for a moment, I’m so proud of her for not wearing an inch of tie-dye or elastic waistband…until I peep what appears to be a velvet pant beneath her gown. Even in formalwear, the woman cannot resist a Bermuda short.
But style be damned, the first part of this season 8 reunion was the Kim Fields show, and I’ll touch on the other things the ladies discussed in advance of it, but it all boils down to the most dramatic utterance of “SAY SOMETHING” since those two guys sang that song with Christina Aguilera that you’ve had in your head for a year and a half…
THE SHADY BUNCH
As always, about half of this reunion episode is montages of the season, but it means we get to see NeNe and Phaedra’s Jamaica impersonation again, so who cares! After reviewing the last 20 episodes of shade, the women assess that “Shaedra Parks” gives it the best, and just as a little proof, I give you her response to Kenya getting mad at her for calling her “oatmeal pie face”: “I’m not attacking your looks; I’m attacking your skin.”
KANDI: LESS PREGNANT… LESS BORING?
All you need to know here is that baby Ace has his own Instagram account with nearly 150K followers, and in response to a video of Todd trying Kandi’s breast milk, Andy says, “It’s better from the tap.” Andy and Andy’s freak flag were the real star of this reunion.
IS KIM FIELDS RHOA MATERIAL?
After Kim’s montage that mostly features her being a wife and a mother, Andy calls into question whether Kim is cut out for RHOA and takes a round-robin of responses: Kenya says no because she’s condescending, like the time Kim said it was fine by her if she didn’t fit in with this group of women, which Kenya calls “a pretty nasty dig.” (I wonder where Kenya’s already infamous “unless you have a dick in your mouth” comment ranks on that “dig” scale?) Kandi says no because Kim doesn’t really deal with confrontation, which is basically the bread and butter of this show; Phaedra says no because she doesn’t engage; Porsha says no because she’s a little judgmental and because she won’t be her auntie; Cynthia says maybe Kim was just uncomfortable. And Kim’s like, I don’t give a what, I got my check and a Dancing With the Stars gig. Also during this Sheree maybe, kind of, sort of offers to prostitute her hot son to Porsha.
PHAEDRA + KANDI =
What’s happening with Phaedra and Kandi’s friendship? Well… Phaedra checked in on Kandi after her pregnancy, Kandi said she wanted some chicken salad, and Phaedra brought her some. What more do you need to know? Oh yes, the small matter of Kandi keeping Phaedra’s felon husband’s belongings in her garage. Kandi says she didn’t know that was a secret. And about that coupl’a G’s Phaedra owed Todd: Phaedra can hardly say Todd’s name without Kandi’s voice starting to quiver like one of Porsha’s bikini straps holding on for dear life, but she says that he’s now been paid all his money and then tries to act like the reason it hasn’t been released is because she’s having to pay people to do more editing. I hope all of your donkey booties are in decent shape because we are never seeing that footage.
Basically, it seems impossible that Kandi and Phaedra will ever be the kind of friends they once were, but I like to pretend that off-camera nothing has changed and they’re just eating a bunch of chicken salad and playing with their cute sons. They also talk about when awful Don Juan inserted himself in Phaedra and Porsha’s conversation about Todd, which somehow leads to Kandi quiver-screaming, “DON’T GO IN AND LET HAVE IF IT’S NOT TRUE! IF I GO IN AND LET HAVE, IT’S GON’ BE TRUE!” And I literally have no idea what that means, but you better believe I’m going to roll it out that next time a cable company representative tries to cop a ‘tude with me.
NEXT: Kenya is a STAR…