This Christmas hangover episode of The Real Housewives of Atlanta was a bit of a snoozer plot-wise — the most interesting thing that happened was watching Porsha pour bottled water into a coffee mug before drinking it, which…has to be the weirdest thing I’ve seen in 2015 — but because last week’s installment was the definition of way-too-much, I didn’t mind. Plus it featured two of my favorite RHOA things: pregnant Kandi (and pregnant Kandi’s white dress interviews) and precious, forever-our-baby Ayden.
The women have returned from Miami and their lives as actual adult women who act out scenes based on things that could reasonably happen in their lives: Kenya could reasonably go on a date with her trainer; Cynthia could reasonably continue to pretend that she and Peter got that forever kinda love and like they’re not just using each other for the fame and fortune that comes with owning a Buffalo Wild Wings; and Porsha could reasonably get into a long distance relationship with a guy who doesn’t want to be her boyfriend after just being hardcore kicked to the curb by a different long-distance guy who didn’t want to be her boyfriend. Oh, wait…
Even though there wasn’t really much happening in this episode, I found almost the entire thing (excluding the parts that featured Ayden, when I was weeping and feeling an odd stir in my nearly non-existent maternal instincts) pretty hilarious. First up: Porsha getting through two solid minutes of Oliver just talking about the shape and size of her ass and coming to the conclusion, “I love a man who knows what he wants, and Oliver seems like he’s ready to go for it.” I feel like Porsha is the kind of person who responds to those Kenyan “prince” e-mails that slip through your spam filter. Also important in this scene: Porsha’s “house dress” is backless, braless, and features a plunging neckline.
But Porsha isn’t the only one pretending to look for love in all the wrong clothes. Kenya and Marlo have arrived at the gym in the grand RHOA tradition of pretending that any woman would ever want to work out in a crop top, let alone full lashes. Luckily, they don’t “work out” so much as “occasionally sit on things and then get up off them.” If anyone was trying to mess around in the weights section of my gym like that, they would get a dumbbell dropped on them. But at Kenya’s gym, she just gets a date from the large, handsome, younger trainer. Now, Kenya wasn’t awful in these scenes, and I was majorly relived to see that she swapped out the crop top for Nike shorts and a simple tee at the basketball date (somebody read Aziz Ansari’s Modern Romance with that creative first date), but who are we kidding here… We do not need to get to know this man, and I would be happier than Kandi in a Popeyes if I never had to see Kenya flirt again. Can we please get her a story line? I want to see that damn house!
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But really I’m just burying the lead here because pregnant-ass Kandi (who is looking dynamite) is making a music video with the aid of one — wait for it —Roger “two Bs, two names, four eyes” Bobb. Housewife reject Demetria is back on the scene, and apparently since Kandi thinks she’s super talented, Kandi wrote a duet for them, “Unnecessary Trouble,” that Demetria’s label wants to be her first single. So natch, they need to make a music video for it. Kandi is seven months pregnant, and suddenly DonJuan (still his real name) is highly concerned about her health, even though the original announcement of her pregnancy meaning she needed to slow down put his eyes on a swivel. But there was no need to worry… Kandi gets to the set, straps on a pair of thigh-high bejeweled boots and Works. It. The hell. OUT. Because Kandi is and always will be a badass boss who surrounds herself with stone-cold chumps.
Speaking of chumps… Cynthia and Peter are still trying to get their relationship back on track, and we are still having to hear about it. Peter sent Cynthia some yellow roses, which she calls “nice and simple and sweet” while scowling. So, no, they shan’t be making her forget that he sniffed some hostess’ neck on The Shade Room. So Peter drives all the way from Charlotte to where, y’know, he actually lives in Atlanta to give Cynthia a little romancin’. He sets up a little picnic in the park complete with gazebo and an artist to commemorate the occasion — that he was actually in the same space with his wife for more than 15 minutes — but they spend most of the time reflecting on how “ambitious” they’ve made each other, which just simultaneously skeeves me out and makes me sad. It makes skad.
NEXT: Weep-fest, party of everyone…
But that skad-ness couldn’t even come close to the weep-fest that was watching Phaedra take Ayden to his first day of kindergarten. She gets him all packed up in his baby bowtie, with his tiny turtle-shell backpack and miniature umbrella, and he proceeds to break every Bravo viewer’s heart, all within the confines of a booster seat. Phaedra asks him how he’s feeling heading to his first day of kindergarten, and he says he’s scared because “I want you to go wherever I go.” Phaedra promptly starts weeping, and she can’t even see from the front seat how scared his chubby little face looks like we can. She says she’s scared, too, that she’s letting her baby go off, and he whimpers, “I’m still gonna be your baby,” and I blubber, “Howwwwwww? How is one child that cute?!” They cry some more, I cry some more; they say a prayer for courage, I start a college fund for my hypothetical future child.
And now that we have all that genuine emotion out of the way, it’s time for Kandi and Demetria’s video-release party which isn’t actually a thing that exists, but it gives Kim an excuse to put on her finest leather board shorts and be thankful that she and her husband have an excuse to get out of the house on a school night (singing a new tune since GlenGate, apparently). Kandi is nervous about the party considering that the last time Demetria had a “music video release party” everyone just watched that little DVD symbol bounce around the corners of a few screens in the back of an O’Charleys until they gave up and went home. But something told me with Kandi’s involvement, that would not be the case this time, and indeed, they show the video on a projector screen, it looks like it came straight out of 1995, and everyone has nothing but positive things to say about it…
The same cannot be said for Phaedra and Todd’s passive-aggressive thoughts about each other, but they both handle themselves like adults when they come face-to-face. After telling Kandi how much she liked her video, Phaedra asks Todd if he can come by her office sometime, presumably to talk about the money that he says she still owes him from producing her workout video. And that seems to be that. Obviously Phaedra is being shady as hell about paying Todd what she owes him, but in that actual moment, she handles herself fine and then goes outside to tell Porsha and Shamea what’s going on with Todd.
Now, these women are always on about a shade-level-5, and Phaedra certainly tells a story or two while giving some background on the situation to Porsha, but they’re just a couple of friends talking while they wait for the valet, they’re not being malicious or loud. You would not be able to tell that, however, from the way DonJuan and his tiny head materialize out of nowhere, butt their way into the conversation and say, “I heard gossip about my people.” I mean — we may have a few duds on board the cast right not, but have no fear, DonJuan is searching harder for a peach than Christopher Columbus for new land.
And the absolute best part is that you can tell exactly how little DonJuan matters to this cast because they do not even pretend to entertain the drama. DonJuan is doing his absolute damndest to stir up something — anything — and Porsha is basically laughing at him while Phaedra just stays completely silent. He says that he was just walking by and heard them being negative, saying that the money stuff is what came between Phaedra and Kandi. Porsha tells him that’s not really what they were saying and to calm down, and then he starts screaming about how she’s the one who needs to calm down. Watching Porsha just laugh while DonJuan is coming in Flaming Cheetos hot is kind of like watching one of those little yappy dogs trying to intimidate a Rottweiler and the Rotteweiler just stands there confused like, “How did this rat learn how to talk?” — and I totally loved it. On their way out Porsha tells the obviously turnt DonJuan to “get some water and get some rest,” which is not only the sickest of burns in this case, but also just good advice.
I hope you enjoyed what looks to be this week’s calm before next week’s storm. Did you find DonJuan’s attempt to play with the big dogs as hilarious as I did? Have you emotionally recovered from Ayden’s trip to kindergarten? Have you ever worn a crop top to the gym? Sound off in the comments!