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The Real Housewives of Atlanta recap: Bienvenido a Miami

Welcome to Miami, bienvenido to new drama…and a fond farewell to Kenya’s instigation over information.

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The Real Housewives of Atlanta

TV Show
Current Status:
In Season
run date:
Reality TV

You guys — I maybe kind of love Tammy. I mean, not like I want her to be become a Housewife (don’t worry, I have not forgotten the “Nazi white” comment) or like I even care if she makes the flight back to Atlanta and just lives in that Miami Airbnb forever, but she’s definitely bringing something to the RHOA table right now…

And that something is a whole lotta crazy, and just a little speculation about where she keeps disappearing to. It’s kind of like Tammy is a child trapped inside the body of a grown woman, wrapped up in 14 yards of blond weave — but as opposed to carrying around a sippy cup, Tammy is just streamlining Rolling Rocks, and rather than going on playdates arranged by her parents, she vanishes from dinner tables and then reappears with a few actual children (of the NBA-playing variety) in tow. This woman is an alien, and a total outlier in whatever bizarre world of social function the RHOA cast has created amongst themselves, so it doesn’t make much sense then that Lady Thor (per Phaedra) was invited on this trip among seven business associates and their New Sweetie, Shamea.

Oh, actually, I guess the reason is because ABSOLUTELY NOTHING happens in this episode. Much as last week was an unneeded afterword on the Bitch-Boat Fight, this week’s is a mostly unnecessary preface to Glen-gate… but holy hell, can I not wait for Glen-gate. Because it looks like the moment that everyone is finally going to be like, “What is up with Kenya?” That woman has always been messy as hell, but this season she’s as messy as…gah, Peter, I guess.

This week the women put on their most comfortable travel-bandage dresses and head to Miami together. Apparently Kenya and Porsha have decided to “reach across the aisle” to plan a trip together in order to inspire everyone that they really can get along in the name of a paycheck. Kenya says, “Maybe the government could learn a thing or two from us,” which is so dumb it’s almost adorable. (It’s not adorable.) Noelle drops her mom off at the airport and tells everyone, “Good luck and have fun,” which is so adorable it’s almost sad. Someone save Noelle while she still has all the beautiful good sense in her head.

Pretty much the best part about this trip to Miami is that by this point Kandi is very, very pregnant and knows she should no longer have to suffer these fools, but I love her all the more for it. She kind of just shuffles around telling everyone to stop acting like idiots and at one point is basically horizontal in her confessional chair (it’s possible that white dress is cutting off the circulation to her cleavage). If I could be on this show and just eat mac and cheese out of a knight’s helmet and then skip out of the crappy group stuff because I was tired, I would absolutely do it. Alas, I don’t have a line of vibrating panties, so I just don’t have what it takes, I guess.

You know who else doesn’t have what it takes? Kim Fields. The look on her face as she realizes just what kind of co-worker Kenya was going to be at that circus dinner was heartbreaking. Okay, but let me back up…

The women arrived in Miami to participate in every reality TV fan’s least-favorite reality TV pastime: arguing over who gets what room. There is simply nothing less relatable than fussing with your friends about who gets one more square foot of space for the next two nights. Luckily most of this is avoided by everyone agreeing that Kandi should get the master bedroom and Kim just deciding she’d be most comfortable in the living room. It’s been a while since I’ve laughed as hard at this show as I did when the “Kim’s Couch” title card flashed up as she started unpacking her caftans on the coffee table.

NEXT: Party in the city where the heat is on…