You guys — I maybe kind of love Tammy. I mean, not like I want her to be become a Housewife (don’t worry, I have not forgotten the “Nazi white” comment) or like I even care if she makes the flight back to Atlanta and just lives in that Miami Airbnb forever, but she’s definitely bringing something to the RHOA table right now…
And that something is a whole lotta crazy, and just a little speculation about where she keeps disappearing to. It’s kind of like Tammy is a child trapped inside the body of a grown woman, wrapped up in 14 yards of blond weave — but as opposed to carrying around a sippy cup, Tammy is just streamlining Rolling Rocks, and rather than going on playdates arranged by her parents, she vanishes from dinner tables and then reappears with a few actual children (of the NBA-playing variety) in tow. This woman is an alien, and a total outlier in whatever bizarre world of social function the RHOA cast has created amongst themselves, so it doesn’t make much sense then that Lady Thor (per Phaedra) was invited on this trip among seven business associates and their New Sweetie, Shamea.
Oh, actually, I guess the reason is because ABSOLUTELY NOTHING happens in this episode. Much as last week was an unneeded afterword on the Bitch-Boat Fight, this week’s is a mostly unnecessary preface to Glen-gate… but holy hell, can I not wait for Glen-gate. Because it looks like the moment that everyone is finally going to be like, “What is up with Kenya?” That woman has always been messy as hell, but this season she’s as messy as…gah, Peter, I guess.
This week the women put on their most comfortable travel-bandage dresses and head to Miami together. Apparently Kenya and Porsha have decided to “reach across the aisle” to plan a trip together in order to inspire everyone that they really can get along
in the name of a paycheck. Kenya says, “Maybe the government could learn a thing or two from us,” which is so dumb it’s almost adorable. (It’s not adorable.) Noelle drops her mom off at the airport and tells everyone, “Good luck and have fun,” which is so adorable it’s almost sad. Someone save Noelle while she still has all the beautiful good sense in her head.
Pretty much the best part about this trip to Miami is that by this point Kandi is very, very pregnant and knows she should no longer have to suffer these fools, but I love her all the more for it. She kind of just shuffles around telling everyone to stop acting like idiots and at one point is basically horizontal in her confessional chair (it’s possible that white dress is cutting off the circulation to her cleavage). If I could be on this show and just eat mac and cheese out of a knight’s helmet and then skip out of the crappy group stuff because I was tired, I would absolutely do it. Alas, I don’t have a line of vibrating panties, so I just don’t have what it takes, I guess.
You know who else doesn’t have what it takes? Kim Fields. The look on her face as she realizes just what kind of co-worker Kenya was going to be at that circus dinner was heartbreaking. Okay, but let me back up…
The women arrived in Miami to participate in every reality TV fan’s least-favorite reality TV pastime: arguing over who gets what room. There is simply nothing less relatable than fussing with your friends about who gets one more square foot of space for the next two nights. Luckily most of this is avoided by everyone agreeing that Kandi should get the master bedroom and Kim just deciding she’d be most comfortable in the living room. It’s been a while since I’ve laughed as hard at this show as I did when the “Kim’s Couch” title card flashed up as she started unpacking her caftans on the coffee table.
NEXT: Party in the city where the heat is on…
Once the women divide into cliques, Kenya out of nowhere starts telling Sheree in front of Kandi and Cynthia (Tammy’s supposed link to this group) that Tammy was talking mad trash about Sheree on the way to The Nightmare on Lake Lanier. And she was — Kenya definitely isn’t wrong that it’s nonsense behavior for Tammy to start randomly unloading on Kenya and Cynthia that she thinks Sheree wouldn’t have married her ex-husband if he hadn’t played for the Falcons and implying that she’s a gold digger. But she also knew exactly what would happen, which is that Sheree would bring it up over a lovely dinner of melted Dreamsicle martinis and chicken pot pies served inside toasters.
Once the appetizers arrived at dinner and no one has yet gotten kicked in the stomach, Sheree straight up turns to Tammy and is all, “So I heard you were talking shit.” Not something you ever want to hear from Sheree. To give Tammy a little bit of credit, she mostly owns up to the things she said, and neither of the women really pops off, though Tammy looks completely terrified. Sheree says she’s the one who has a right to have a problem with Tammy and asks if she ever slept with her ex-husband, Bob, Tammy’s apparent “best friend.” Tammy laughs nervously and says no. Sheree says that Bob mentioned her name in the list of the many women he slept with while they were together; Tammy laughs nervously and, presumably, pees a little in her Ross Dress for Less one-shoulder number.
It comes to light that Sheree got her information from somewhere, and that somewhere is Kenya. Kenya tries to act like she was doing a good deed by “giving Sheree the information” so that no one was carrying around negative feelings and acting fake toward one another. Yeah, we would never want any false attitudes around here, Kenya, that’s for sure. And then Kim, bless her thought-of-the day-calendar heart, says, “Does it feel like there’s a difference between information and instigation.” For a moment, Kenya’s face briefly takes on a snake-like quality, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince-style, but then everyone decides to just get over it and retire for the evening.
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The next morning everyone is showing their asses even more — this time, literally. Porsha and Phaedra are legitimately wearing shreds of fabric over their thong bikinis, and I actually can’t believe they can show that much cheek on Bravo. Porsha has arranged another boat trip because Porsha has never been the brightest (naked) crayon, but everyone seems to be getting along fine and having a lot of fun. Shamea gives a toast that is either a celebration of oral sex or an ode to feminism — it’s hard to tell — and everyone parties until they dock at a hoppin’ Miami bar.
It’s about this time that Kim has a total mental breakdown. (Side note: I’m not sure where Kim’s story is going to end by the time we get through season 8’s 700 episodes, but I am feeling very nervous about her well-being). All of the women are dancing and having a good time, and apparently, all Kim can think is how she’d rather be dancing and having a good time with her husband. Through sobs, she says the hilarious line, “I don’t understand dancing with girls to just dance!” Lady, that is where we differ, but I’m trying to have some compassion for Kim, who seems to want to “find herself” but also seems to just really enjoy her family and to kind of have gotten in over her head with this show.
When Kim and Phaedra re-join the crew, they’ve reached the inviting-men-to-our-good-time portion of the day. Porsha and Shamea have brought two men up from the bar with them, and if their eyes are anything to go by, Oliver and his friend realize they’ve made a huge mistake somewhere around the entrees. But things really get confusing when Tammy, who’s been MIA from the table, shows back up with a couple of 22-year-olds on her arms: Glen, her nephew from Atlanta, and his friend. I assume Kenya is randomly about to flip out as she’s wont to do, but no, she thinks this actual-child Glen is her type (as she’s also wont to do).
That goodwill doesn’t seem like it will last long, though, because after everyone — male guests included — pours back onto the boat to head to the house, Kenya, in what was probably her attempt to flirt, snaps at Glen and asks him what his name is again. To which he mutters, “Damn sure you ain’t snap at me.” Now, that is not very respectful to his elders, but at this point, I can’t yet tell what kind of young man Glen is. All I know is that you basically only have to sip your Dreamsicle martini wrong in front of Kenya for her to try to kick you off a boat, so stay tuned and sound off in the comments with thoughts on this episode and your favorite pregnancy-fueled, who-gives-an-eff quotes from Kandi.