On Sunday night, following a physical altercation between Porsha and Cynthia just ripe for “if this boat’s a-rocking” puns, new “Housewife” Kim Fields uttered one of the best/most hilarious/saddest/most naive lines that’s been on The Real Housewives of Atlanta in some time: “I have a low tolerance for foolishness.” Oh, KIM. Me too, honey, but if that is the case, might I suggest finding a job recapping RHOA rather than being a part of it? Because your new gig will require basically nothing but tolerating fools (plus going to six to eight product launches a week, a couple of mandatory “group trips,” and might cost you your marriage…but other than that, it’s mostly foolishness).
The very best thing about Cynthia and Porsha’s fight — actually, let me back up: I’m with Kim in believing that there is nothing to be celebrated about two women laying hands on each other. But the aftermath of watching a bunch of innocent bystanders who saw the unbelievable sight of two grown women kicking at each other like 4-year-olds was oh-so-watchable…
Those poor shirtless bartenders couldn’t have looked any more scared and vulnerable than if they were the ones getting Cynthia’s Mortal Kombat kicks to the tum-tum. Then there was Kandi calmly bumbling around like this happens every day. (I mean, her mother does regularly throw her clogs at her best friends, but still.) Kenya was sweeping around and trying desperately to put herself at the center of the action but without having to take any punches this time — I watched that woman physically take Sheree’s shoulders and move her out of the way for a camera angle. And Weird Tammy — oh, Weird Tammy — who apparently missed the whole thing while she was in the bathroom, was left sitting under the boat in her floppy hat trying to figure out why everyone was screaming. My eternal gratitude to anyone who can produce a gif of her eyes rolling around in her head like one of those creepy Kit-Cat Clocks.
But perhaps I’m burying the lead under a heap of bartenders’ sailor hats. (Those poor bartenders were just in this to advance their modeling careers a little, and not counting on becoming witnesses.) This is what happened: Following Cynthia freaking out about one of the 800 times Porsha said “bitch” in last week’s episode, Porsha ventured over for a one-on-one chat where she was supposed to explain that she didn’t mean it offensively but mostly just said “bitch, is this how you want it to be,” a bunch of times while Cynthia waved her finger around in Porsha’s face like Christina Aguilera hitting the power note in “Dirrty.” This led to Porsha waving her finger back, then Cynthia grabbing at Porsha’s hands, then Porsha jumping up to kind of straddle Cynthia, and Cynthia kicking her foot directly into Porsha’s stomach.
And there you have it: Two grown women fighting on a boat. Porsha seemed fully prepared to take the altercation further, but some underpaid PA tackled her to a lounge chair while she continued to writhe beneath him. Cynthia sat in her own lounge chair, probably trying to remember through the cloud of Patrón what exactly just happened. Kim is under the impression that “they’re both going to be so disappointed in themselves when they get a chance to catch their breath,” to which I once again must say: “Oh, KIM.” In fact, most of my notes from this episode are just weeping for Kim’s loss of innocence and laughing at Tammy’s face while she was sitting by herself under the boat.
Porsha says in her interview that she doesn’t “ever want to see any of these bitches again.” But spoiler alert, you guys: She sees them again.
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Another positive outcome of this fight is that it leads to one of the most bountiful installments of Recappin’ in Kitchens we’ve ever seen: Kim is telling Phaedra what she missed (while Phaedra continues to trick Kim into thinking she’s above all this); Kandi is breaking the fight down to her employees with some unexpectedly lively impressions (“You don’t want me to come up out my seat!”); and Kenya is dramatically giving a biased account to Aunt Lori and Cousin Che, after which Lori gives this advice: “I think you need to do something again…something positive to show everybody that this is how you deal with negativity.” Y’all — the omnipotent scripted drama gods have even gotten to Aunt Lori! The world is lost.
Because you know what’s great after forcing your friend to go to her own “bachelorette party” while she’s in the midst of trying to save her marriage that ultimately results in her getting into a drunken kick-fight? Another forced get-together in her name! But before we get to that…
**A QUICK AYDEN UPDATE: Ayden had too many grapes in his lunch, and he thinks that maybe he should handle the snow cone slushing from now on. END OF AYDEN UPDATE**
NEXT: Apology, party of eight…