Hello and welcome to this week’s Real Housewives of Atlanta recap. Allow me to escort you in through the back door so as to avoid Cynthia and Peter in the kitchen shedding single tears while thinking about the back doors of marriage, and Porsha having her back door cleaned out in the living room while Phaedra looks on.
Ah, yes, here we are, safely in the recap where you’ll never have to think about Porsha’s back door again. JUST KIDDING! That’s how the episode opens. I truly believe that Phaedra is only into colonics so that she has ample ground to make as many butt puns as she want to. Actually, they’re not really even puns, just Phaedra just saying “butt” as many times as she possibly can without the receptionist that literally makes her living on butts asking her to leave. Porsha arrives to have some colon cleansing done, and Phaedra screams at her, “Have you ever had anything sprayed up your butt?!”
No, she has not (likely story), but that doesn’t mean she’s uncomfortable with her friends sitting in the room, holding her hand, and having a little girl talk while it happens for the first time. It’s weird, disgusting, and a little bit hilarious, which is exactly how I describe RHOA to my roommate when he asks why there’s so much screaming coming from the living room every Sunday night.
While Porsha gets her butt sprayed, Phaedra mostly talks with her about how she’s still mad at Kandi for housing her semi-ex-husband’s motor bikes, and similarly, Porsha is mad at Kandi for saying anything remotely negative about her boyfriend of two months, Duke, for whom she recently threw a party to announce him as her “trophy man.” Luckily, the latter is easily addressed at a Celebrity Track Meet, where Kandi arrives wearing your favorite auntie’s favorite beach visor, and Porsha wears all spandex and bends over in front of adolescents. Porsha tells Kandi that she’s annoyed that everyone keeps telling her to look into Duke’s background, so Kandi helpfully reminds her that the last time she was annoyed with them for giving her relationship advice, she ended up divorcing Kordell and telling them they were all right. So…
Kandi stands her ground that Porsha “needs to be checking these dudes she’s dating,” but she really needn’t worry — I mean, Porsha met this guy on Instagram, and I’m sure she went back, like, at least 103 weeks on his pics. So start shopping diamond settings, girl, he is the one! (Of note: Neither one of them pretends to make a big deal of this little chat, thank goodness.)
Especially because there are other big deals to made out of ridiculous things. Haven’t you heard: Kenya is launching a hair-care line! And, yes, it is the very same hair-care line that she was launching two years ago. But this time she has purple bottles and is calling the launch the Moore Hair Care Experience. The experience seems to be more sweating than anything else — but hey, everybody’s hair does better with a little added texture, so let’s just pretend she held her cocktail party in a sweatbox on purpose.
WANT MORE? Keep up with all the latest from last night’s television by subscribing to our newsletter. Head here for more details.
Kenya hires the same woman who planned Cynthia’s eyewear launch party to plan her hair-care party, and the only instruction Marlo — who seems to play a vital role in all of the Housewives’ most important business ventures — has is to make sure it’s cold; as a sweater myself, I really appreciated that sentiment. The venue, it appears, did not. When all of the other housewives arrive, the party is in full swing and, also, sweltering. And when poor, pregnant Kandi goes to the bar to ask for a glass of water, they don’t have any.
Apparently, that’s because they used it all filling up the Moore Hair Care bottles that are, presumably, supposed to be full of, ya know, more hair care. A friend of Porsha’s whose name I never quite figure out (but surely will in the weeks to come) first floats the idea that the products just feel like water and later, when everyone is saying how hot it is, says she’s thirsty and straight-up chugs a “shampoo.” Which, is shady as hell, sure, but it was also really funny.
NEXT: Back doors are for (disenchanted) lovers…
Kenya hasn’t arrived yet because not one of these damn women can never seem to get it through their be-weaved skulls that it is ass-behavior to arrive at your own party two hours late. Kenya has only herself to blame for this party being tow up because she left the entire thing to her “staff,” which we all know is just Brandon and hearty helping of desperation. Then when Kenya finally does arrive, she turns around faster than Duke realizing he’s at another one of Porsha’s “surprise” parties and takes her date outside because it’s so hot.
Even sweet Kim Fields says that’s some bullshit. Speaking of Kimmy — I still don’t know what she’s doing here, but I don’t mind having her around. Having never been to one of these fake parties, she assumes it might be fun, gets a babysitter, and brings her husband as a sort of date night…and then immediately realizes that was a terrible idea. Probably my favorite moment of the episode comes when Kim turns to the other women and asks where all of the other husbands are, and everyone has to admit that this titular “Housewives” business is a total sham.
It’s also a dark bit of foreshadowing for the reminder of what this franchise does to marriages; but when it comes to Cynthia and Peter’s, I don’t know if we can totally blame the evil mastermind that is Andy Cohen. Following Kenya finally getting her ass back inside her party to tell everyone to “enjoy the product” (you’ll love it — it’s water!) and promptly exiting again to mend fences with Sheree (look how terrible we both are at owning homes!), it’s time to take a swift hammer to any of the joy you might have been feeling from watching these glammed-up ladies fanning themselves like sinners on a Sunday in the 1950s.
Cynthia and Peter aren’t doing so well, you may have noticed. After they “had words” at Cynthia’s party, he went back to Charlotte, and she hasn’t heard from him in 10 days. That’s insane! We know this because Cynthia does some emotional gardening in a regrettable cap-sleeved maxi dress while trying to call him over and over to no avail. When he finally returns, it’s time to have a serious conversation. A serious conversation…about back doors.
“Back door” is code for divorce, you see, and while Cynthia seems to be clamoring for one, Peter says that’s something he can barely even talk about (the decision to disappear for 10 days, apparently, was much simpler). They talk a lot about how all of their ambition and success in business has gotten in the way of their relationship, an assessment for which I will reserve only the most demure of side-eye. Peter asks when Cynthia stopped being in love with him, and while she doesn’t name a time, she also doesn’t deny the occurrence of such an event. Yikes. He tells her that he’s never stopped being in love with her, and she fires back that he may say that but if he doesn’t show it, she can’t feel it. To which Peter responds: “Well…my bad.” DOUBLE YIKES.
Peter wants to fight for their marriage, so they agree to give it one more shot before exiting through the back door of holy matrimony (where, I assume, Cynthia will have Noel’s fine-as-hell tutor waiting for her). So, what do you think? Is there any hope for the Thomas-Bailey relationship? Will Kenya ever launch her hair-care line? And who should we expect a launch party from next week? My bets for person and product are on “Phaedra” and “butt stuff,” respectively. Place your bids in the comments!