For a season finale, this episode of The Real Housewives of Atlanta sure did feel like it was starring a whole bunch of new chapters in the face; or at least its characters were. Tonight, everyone is so especially inspired by how great they are that they just can’t help but look forward to the future: Nene is the real life Cinderella—from screaming in absurd wigs on reality television to screaming in slightly less absurd wigs on BROT-way; Kandi’s mother finally apologized to Todd for calling his mother and father a prostitute and pimp, respectively, and only used six “ifs” and nine bogus excuses while doing so; Peter is buying up properties faster than Cynthia can say, “Sure, I’ll take that disaster of a story line, whatever it takes to keep the checks coming, I have baristas to pay”; and Kenya… well Kenya is just following her passions. I’d like to quote one of the summer’s most promising television pilots when I say, “You only have one life, and when it gets difficult, you just have to say to yourself: Life twirls on.”
Sike, Kenya’s show unsurprisingly looks crazy bad, and no matter how difficult my life gets, I will never have to say, “Life twirls on.” I’m not even fully comfortable typing it. But hey, if a TV show that was shot on an iPhone 4 and is 50 percent voice-over, 50 percent Kenya running around with a butcher’s knife is what it takes for these women to end a season with smiles on their faces and almost all in the same room, then I will surely take it. I will also take all of the leftover Life Twirls On footage that didn’t make it into the pilot episode for my own personal enjoyment.
I’m not really sure how things took such a drastic turn for Atlanta’s most dramatic work and unmarried housewives in the last few weeks. One day everyone was at each other’s throats, exposing fourth-hand gossip at group dinners and talking trash about one another’s whorish spaghetti straps, as is standard RHOA protocol; but sometime around Kandi pounding Dr. Jeff-provided chicken nuggets and Porsha riding a donkey in a bikini, everyone except Nene put in the work to come to some mutual understandings. Which leaves us with the group we’re faced with in this season finale: six women (plus Demetria—still here, still silent) getting along better than ever, and one woman living her very own Funny Girl story in New York, narrated by one Gregg Leakes. It is truly a bizarre time to be an RHOA fan/tolerater. Surely the upcoming reunion holds many gems.
Since everyone is everyone is currently all friendship bracelets and clowning around in evening gowns, I don’t know exactly what to expect out of the reunions, but I’m sure we can count on plenty of Phaedra and Apollo talk. I had almost forgotten how tiresome that story was for the first 16 episodes of this season, but they came in one more time here at the end with a little Serial-themed reminder—Peter played the part of Sarah Koenig, obviously.
You see, the lease is finally up on the old Bar One, so Cynthia and Peter can finally move into that trash heap that they scouted out for the new location awhile back. For some reason they’ve waited to start renovating it until the old Bar One closed, but that’s okay, because Peter went ahead and spent some of Cynthia’s money to rent a new space for a coffee shop—Peter’s Brew—without asking her first. Cynthia is worried about Peter being able to focus on getting all the broken toilets and syringes off the patio of the new Bar One if he’s distracted by this café endeavor, but he’s got a partner who “knows the coffee business,” so it’ll be no problem… except that nobody wants coffee that smells like failure and tastes like beard trimmings.
NEXT: Ring, ring, ring, ring—prison phone!