To get through tonight’s episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta, you need an RHOA glossary of terms, an encyclopedic knowledge of every blog on the internet that might run a story about Porsha Williams (including Tumblrs, Twitters, and probably a few sizable group text messages), and nerves of steel because in addition to these women apparently relocating their acting class funds over to their uncomfortable furniture budget, the writers have also decided that this season’s story lines will be entirely comprised of rehashing events that happened two years ago, and recapping parties that happened a week ago where everyone originally rehashed events that happened two years ago.
I’m sure that Claudia Jordan will prove to be the little sister Al Pacino’s character in Devil’s Advocate never had, but tonight she was almost a breath of fresh air simply because we never knew she existed until a few weeks ago. And you guys… she was literally talking about furniture for the majority of her screen time. That’s what we’re working with.
Claudia’s tagline in her newly added opening credit: “Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m here to stay.” Claudia either has a Porsha-level understanding of the English language or a dangerously negative impression of her own personality.
Let’s get things started with the Apollo bomb that dropped on Kenya last week, because goodness knows we’re going to be experiencing the mushroom cloud of repercussion for it over the next 10 weeks (mainly, listening to Kandi find different ways to talk about fellatio). Kenya is having some one-on-one time buying “stress-relieving trees” with her Aunt Lori, who has always seemed like a lovely woman and continues to attempt to have a positive influence on Kenya tonight. I lose a little bit of trust in her though when she starts off their conversation, “What’s going on with the girls?” Don’t be the producers’ recapping pawn, Lori. I’m not better than that, but you are.
This scene of Kenya recapping her side of the events is intercut with Kandi filling in Porsha and Phaedra on Apollo’s negative-fellatio confession in classic RHOA style. Last season, I often titled this method Recappin’ in Kitchens, but this season we might have to call it Recappin’ in the Last Places in Atlanta That Will Let RHOA Film There Because No One Likes One Another Anymore and Inside Voices Are No Longer an Option. You know the drill: Cynthia’s party was sooooo crazy, girl, you won’t believe what happened, honey. While they wait for Phaedra to arrive, Porsha tells Kandi that Cynthia “started out as a little Nene and now she’s a baby Kenya.” Porsha may not be sharp, but her hate-flavor of the week is generally pretty accurate.
Phaedra arrives and Porsha calls her a Skinny Minnie as she almost always does, because Cynthia may be the queen of it, but P is also not afraid of a little ass kissing. Phaedra calls her a mermaid in return. You know the drill: Oh yeah, girl, we were just talking about every single thing that happened at Cynthia’s terrible party, honey. Let us fill you in, child.
NEXT: Can Kenya forgive? Can we forget her quoting Shakespeare?