Somebody must have left a self-help book lying around the green room between Gregg’s Ensures and Peter’s SlimFasts’ at the last RHOA reunion because tonight, the cast is all about mental health. Can you possibly imagine anything worse than going to counseling with six women you can’t stand and one you don’t even know (Demetria—seriously girl, who is you)? I am frustrate by this show most when its pathetic attempts to garner drama are blatantly obvious, but I love when things get meta, and there is nothing more real about the Real Housewives than watching them do anything and everything to keep themselves relevant for an eighth season.
So, I’m torn between what to think about Nene’s totally pure-hearted attempt to get all of the women to go to group counseling together. On the one hand, I would rather eat Porsha’s entire weave line than watch Nene act like she’s willing to try to save her friendship with Cynthia while wearing ill-fitting jumpsuits one more time; on the other hand, there’s hardly any better vindication for having to slog through the hootenanny that was last week than getting to watch the women openly beg to keep their paychecks coming by doing whatever it takes to continue to tolerate one another. Is that a little sadistic? Yes. If I have to hear Cynthia say “some African dude named Choc-late” one more time, will I be tempted to drive to Atlanta and wave my pocketbook around over some Brazilian meats a little myself? Still a yes, so I’ll take my wins where I can get them.
I don’t think I’ve watched anyone’s credibility go downhill as fast as Cynthia’s since Bieber broke Selena Gomez’s heart and then peed in that bucket. Maybe with all these educated professionals roaming around RHOA these days, she can get a little help for this identity crisis she’s having and realize that “putting things on the table” with the confidence of a sixth grader trying to expose another sixth grader as a bra-stuffer doesn’t make you hard; and if you’re going to be hard, you can’t be the nice girl too. It’s time to knock it off, Cynthia—your show is rapidly approaching a stopping point and this is not the last impression you want to leave on America. As you said, your husband basically invented hip-hop music, for goodness sake, have some pride!
Yes, tonight’s episode of RHOA begins with Cynthia asking Peter if he’s super stressed about The Salute to Excellence Awards, a Peter Thomas Entertainment event. He is, but that doesn’t matter, because Cynthia has to tell him about how shocked she is that the dinner where she accused a woman of cheating on her husband who just went to jail in front of seven of her closest enemies went south. It goes a little something like this:
Cynthia: “You can’t call people whores and be a whore. It doesn’t work like that.”
Peter: “Well you can’t call her a whore either, baby.”
Cynthia: “I’m not calling her a whore! But she can’t call nobody a whore either.”
I dislike Cynthia for a lot of things right now, but none more so than making me have to agree with Peter.
In a relationship of similarly teetering allegiances, Kandi and Todd are going to the marriage counseling they agreed to together last week. This is good; this is great; this is counseling that seems necessary and like it could really help the marriage of two very independent people. But those two people, who both agreed to counseling, don’t seem to have realized that it will probably involve a bit of criticism from the other party. That’s probably because they both think they’re right all the time and were assuming the outcome of talking with a counselor would be to confirm the justification for all of their marital frustrations, both in communication and bedroom happenings. But that’s a real problem with a plausible solution—a novelty on this show that I will accept with open arms. Dr. Blake, I always find it odd that any doctor would agree to be on Bravo television, but you and your soothing vocal stylings are welcome here. What is your availability for groups of coworkers who can’t stop calling each other whores and occasionally accuse each other of clit-detachment?
NEXT: Peter Thomas and His Salute to Peter Thomas…