You’ve got to stop calling each other sluts and whores. It just makes it okay for guys to call you sluts and whores.–Tina Fey in Mean Girls
You know how some classic musicals start with an overture? A musical introduction that previews a medley of all the numbers the audience is about to hear? Well, RHOA had one of those tonight. In the preview package before beginning this hour of television that challenged my sanity and up-till-now lack of inclination to spew hate on any of the cast members on Twitter, there was a clip from last week that summed up what we were about to witness:
Cynthia: “Phaedra… is having an affair… with some African man named Chocolate?”
Peter: “Apollo read it to me—I see it. ‘Can’t wait for you to spank me… I miss you, I love you.’”
Cynthia: “This is crazy!”
The false sense of shock; Cynthia’s dilated pupils as she attempts to remember her lines; Peter’s tendency to sound like he’s putting his sentences together using those refrigerator magnet word sets; the disregard to apply any sort of logic or reality to the situation… this is the RHOA Overture. The horror of the hour you’re about to experience is all previewed in these clueless, senseless, fake, damaging handful of sentences. If I were going to name the Overture, I would call it, “Everyone is Horrible and I Can’t Take It Anymore.”
Just as a warning, I’m going in on tonight’s disaster of a plot. I’m so mad. I’M SO MAD! For the most part, I enjoy watching RHOA—I laugh at these women with glee. At them, I laugh at them; because we all understand that the point of reality television is not to be real, but to represent reality. It’s not really okay to laugh at other people in real life, but it’s fine to laugh at a campy representation of it. These women are literally dressed in costumes, wearing stage makeup, and playing a part. When Nene dresses like a character from Clue in her one-on-one interviews, I can laugh at her terrible style. She has more than enough money to pay me to shut up if she wants to. So, let’s lay into these shameful, hypocritical asshats, shall we?
The episode opens with Apollo recording a video of himself right before he goes into prison: “Well everyone, I have finally arrived at the penitentiary. I’m about to go asunder. Thank you for the support and prayers. Stay tuned and you’ll hear form me shortly.”
Two things quickly become clear: Apollo thinks that “asunder” is just a fancier way of saying “under” and he still thinks that he is someone to feel sorry for. Let’s take a quick moment to reflect on who Apollo is, or at least, who has depicted himself to be to the public. He is a felon—not someone done wrong by the law, but someone who intentionally committed many, many crimes against many, many people. Beyond his lawful misdoings, he has been shown as someone with a tendency toward threatening behavior and a liar: His main narrative on this show has been talking loudly and often about Kenya offering him fellatio in a series of text messages that he admitted two years later were a lie. Whether he was lying about the original text messages, or lying about them being fake, he has been proven a liar, both by this stupid TV show, and by the very real federal court system. In the next hour, he will go on to be defended, even held up as a person deserving of respect and trust, by many women who should, by all means, hate him… gird your loins accordingly, everything after this is the worst.
NEXT: A few non-whore-related storylines…