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The Real Housewives of Atlanta recap: 'Beauties in the Fast Lane'

RHOA’s newest clique hits the road in the name of a totally sound business ventures and fake drama.

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The Real Housewives of Atlanta

TV Show
Current Status:
In Season
run date:
Reality TV

Tonight’s episode was low on plot but high on sheer idiocy, which is really the best you can ask for in a series that spends 60 percent of its airtime recapping what happened in the episode that came before it (the other 40 percent is statement lipstick, horse eyelashes, and false bravado). Cynthia, however, spends most of her portion of the hour making it abundantly clear that she has never set foot inside a sports bar, and is therefore clueless that Peter can and will run her into the ground before this fiscal year is up. Luckily, he has a new business partner, and that partner is Kordell Stewart—you know, Porsha’s ex-husband who the producers spent most of last season intimating was gay… and abusive.

Well, he’s back, and straight as an arrow, folks! That’s according to Peter and Kenya, at least, who are pushing him on single Claudia like a drug dealer trying to hook a wealthy prep school kid. This all happens back stateside, as the first scene in tonight’s episode shows the women returning from Puerto Rico, nary another mention of Demetria’s performance, the supposed reason for all of them going on the trip in the first place. In fact, “Friends of the Show,” Demetria and Porsha aren’t featured at all tonight (don’t think I didn’t see Roger Bobb’s bespectacled mug in next week’s preview though), so it’s almost an entire hour of the new clique in town: Kenya, Cynthia, and Claudia.

But we’ll start with the queen of cliques and clit comebacks, Nene. Gregg shuffled himself to the airport to pick up his wife-boss, and she greeted him with one too many kisses for me to be comfortable with seeing; but when given the option between watching Gregg and Nene kiss versus Peter’s business ventures or Apollo explaining jail time to his children, I think I’d have to choose the old man macking. The other two are just too sad in two very different ways.

In Recappin’ in Kitchens, Nene subs the kitchen for the car, but Cynthia keeps steadfast in her commitment to keep Peter’s beard on television, and gathers Peter and Mal around the island to tell them how she and Nene are not friends anymore, and this time she means it, and it’s definitely not like the other eight times when she said they weren’t friends, and then Nene apologized, so she said they were friends again—They. Are. Not. Friends (pending an apology from Nene). But from what Nene tells Gregg, she’s pretty content to not be friends with any of these women; also from what she tells Gregg, the all-out throwdown between her and Claudia was a simple champagne glass misunderstanding, and she behaved like a lady while totally holding her own… keep dreaming, Nene, you were talking about spaghetti straps while Claudia was reading your edges.

Cynthia is simply glowing while recounting how Claudia “handed Nene her ass,” and while it’s a total waste of airtime, I do always revel in these Cynthia recap segments because it’s like watching a sixth grader finally get to give the book report on Holes that they’ve been working on so hard. There’s always so much joy in her eyes when she successfully rattles off a line or says, “Oh, it’s Kenya calling, let’s see what she’s up to,” with only the slightest robotic tremor. It’s the little things, you know? Plus, tonight finally brings the burning of the Friendship Contract that has been all over the “This Season On.” The Friendship Contract is doubly successful in that it serves to review how lame Cynthia was for making it in the first place, and how lame she still is for filing it away in a Tupperware box in her office. Generally, the only thing I like about Mal is that she doesn’t like Peter, but I could have listened to her running around screaming, “She had it filed! She had it filed!” for hours.

NEXT: The return of Kordell…