“I have many skills, but apparently catching a dildo between my legs isn’t one of them.”
I can hardly think of a quote that better encompasses the seven-ring circus that is RHOA; but if I were going to alter it to better suit the specific characters of RHOA, I might go with, “I have many skills, but apologizing isn’t one of them.” And it’s true, these are women of many skills: the ability to memorize even the most complex of Urban Dictionary terms and wield them with ease; the ability to tolerate heinous men; the ability to stuff their breasts into any number of Forever 21 garments even though they’re closer to 60 than they are to said store’s target demographic.
But their best skill—and here, I speak directly to Nene Leakes—is their unrelenting self-centeredness. The thing about self-centered people is that they’re so far up their own asses, it’s their only viewpoint, serving only to help them make complete asses out of themselves. I would never try to take Nene’s accu-lades away from her—she turned a role on a once small reality TV show into an actual career on stage and screen, and not just showing up with Gregg on Couple’s Therapy, a suitcase full of tent shirts for her and seersucker shorts for him in tow. The woman has found herself a damn good agent and made her money. But I’m not impressed with her money. It’s not that I think she doesn’t have a bunch of it, or that she doesn’t make Gregg pour a bucket full of one dollar bills on her in the empty bathtub so she can swim around in them like Scrooge McDuck, it’s just that I don’t care how much money she has. No one cares about how much money Nene Leakes has except Nene Leakes.
And that’s why Nene has completely and utterly lost her touch. Because she’s so obsessed with herself that she can’t even look closely enough at anyone to properly read them. She just tells Claudia how much money she has while Claudia gets on her hairline, gives her spontaneous spelling tests, and reads her like a 5th grader who just found out Little Women is worth 36 Accelerated Reader points. (And, of course, there’s the ridiculous “Kenya is your puppet master” argument, when Porsha basically has a tattoo of Nene’s face on her lower back.) Now the clit stuff? I don’t know where that comes from; all I know is that some RHOA editor deserves a raise for the immediate turnaround from Nene saying “your clit has left your body” in the scenes from last week’s episode to her tagline in this week’s intro: “Why be so nasty and so rude when I can be so fierce and so successful?”
You asked it, Nene, not me. We pick back up right where we left off with somebody finally stepping to Nene without backing down. In fact, Claudia doesn’t back down for the next hour; just prepare to hear a lot of Claudia barbs, and the girl is prepared. Nene, owner of the tiki wig (or “hair hat” as Claudia calls it) and creator of Nene Fashionz by Nene Leakes for Nene Leakes has the nerve to go after Claudia’s makeshift bob and spaghetti strap dress, but by this time in the evening, all sanity has left the dinner table, so the newly anointed Choir Girls—Cynthia, Kenya, Claudia, and Demitria—to the others Mean Girls—Nene, Porsha, and Phaedra—decide to leave, too. Kandi is simply an island made of dildos who decides to stay and finally finish a televised meal of food.
NEXT: Let’s give ‘em something to talk about…