According to this episode of The Real Housewives of Atlanta, it is quite possible that I have been read and shaded many, many times in my life and not even known it. Perhaps even within the last hour. Friend asked me if I wanted a glass of wine from the kitchen—SHADE. Roommate told me the rent was due—read me good. Guy at Chipotle said that guac was extra—somebody hold my earrings, I’m going in. No wait, I better hold back because I am straight-up exhausted after watching this episode.
I either don’t speak these women’s language or the editing doesn’t permit me to. I don’t even know which things are supposed to be the most insulting tonight… a detachable clitoris? Is that bad? Seems like it could come in handy and isn’t necessarily indicative of not being a successful actress or sleeping with a lot of men. I mean, Claudia doesn’t even know Roger Bobb, and sleeping with Roger Bobb is basically a pre-requisite to getting your driver’s license at the Atlanta DMV, so is she really the whore that Nene claims she is?
Don’t get me wrong, the last ten minutes of arguing, at least, are pretty clear: Phaedra lives her life under a shady umbrella made of smirks and insincere terms of endearment, and Claudia is truly not afraid of Nene, and not just in the way of “Cynthia is looking out for Cynthia” (or whatever), or how Kenya is always eventually always volunteering to be the “bigger person.” Naw, Cynthia isn’t scared, like she isn’t scared of keeping her spot on the show; she isn’t scared of Nene somehow taking away her paycheck; she isn’t scared of Nene’s wigs being contagious, or Nene making fun of her feet, and she definitely doesn’t care about Nene’s power on the show. But what exactly brought about the need for all the shade and reads that this episode eventually bestows upon us?
Why, a contractually obligated trip across the ocean, of course! Demetria, who is a person that you don’t know and not a cast member on this show, has invited everyone on an all-expenses paid trip to Puerto Rico to see her perform in some unidentified music showcase. That’s a pretty bold move on the producers’ part considering that in addition to Demetria not really knowing any of these women, she was recently publicly shamed in front of all of them, and Cynthia was the only one who didn’t stick around and laugh about it afterward. But everyone is paying their penance tonight: Sorry about the time that woman said she dated your boyfriend at our dildo party… that kind of stuff, like, never happens in this group, I swear.
Kandi is up first, meeting Demetria for a lunch of ice water to apologize for inviting her to her house so that she could eat cupcakes off a naked human and be told that her boyfriend was dating another woman when he was supposedly still with her. Demetria says it’s cool, and just when you’re thinking, “That probably was pretty tough for her, maybe she’s not so bad,” she starts talking about her sex life with Roger Bobb, and just like that, she’s my mortal enemy again. Only on the Atlanta series of Real Housewives would vibrating panties and the phrase, “Hold it underneath his balls” be lunch-table conversation.
Claudia takes Kenya with her to the foot doctor to see if there’s anything that can be done about her struggling toes before they go to the beach. Alas, she’ll need surgery and a boot to conquer her corns and bunions, but I’m glad to finally get a look at those suckers. And they do not disappoint! The overlay of, “My toes look like snow-capped mountains, okay,” when Claudia’s feet are finally revealed is a little bit of that evil RHOA editor genius we live for. I don’t love myself for laughing at Kenya saying, “I thought they were just mischievous, but those are completely disrespectful,” when she caught her first glimpse, but hey, I wasn’t the one Claudia brought along for moral support/to embarrass her in front of handsome, married doctors. She just invited me to stare at her snow-capped toes from the comfort of my own living room. And Stare. I. Did.
NEXT: Demetria makes music noises with her mouth…