Klaus Mikaelson is like one of those super method actors who actually gets something pierced or loses way too much weight for a role. When he plays a part, he really, really goes for it. So much so that he’s going to look back at some point—probably soon—and say, “Yeah, that was a bit much.” But for the time being, he’s getting standing ovations every night and he couldn’t care less about the consequences. And Dahlia? Well she’s that castmate who thinks Klaus is the best leading man ever until they get off-stage and she realizes what a lie it all was.
Let’s get to it, shall we?
Act One: ‘Twas (still) a dark and stormy night
With Dahlia’s storm still working, Rebekah and Davina work to unlink Rebekah from all of those children while Klaus enjoys a classic New Orleans parade. And by that, I mean that he eats at least 1/3 of the attendees. Turns out, being daggered sucks, and Klaus finally understands why his siblings hold the occasional grudge against him. (You know Finn was screaming “amen” from that necklace around Freya’s neck.)
Back at the compound, there’s a plan in motion: Davina has made the decision to become regent to all nine covens. So if Freya’s plan to kill Dahlia fails, Davina and the witches will distract her long enough for Hope and Hayley to disappear.
Speaking of Hope and Hayley, they’re currently chilling in the very wet bayou, where Mary has shown up with some helpful herbs. Basically, if they burn white, there’s no magic around. Black means that there’s a hex in the air, and red means you’re screwed. Right now, they’re burning black, because this storm is obviously Dahlia-made.
With that in mind, Hayley thanks the wolves who have stood by her side so faithfully, but she’s done risking the lives of her pack. She tells them that she can’t be their queen anymore, that she and Jackson will continue on without them. But this is one loyal pack of wet dogs. They refuse to leave their queen. (Can someone explain the ranking system of queen vs. alpha to me?)
After Rebekah calls Cami and asks her to help with Klaus—because he obviously loves you, Cami—Dahlia finally puts an end to the storm. She’s done stalling.
Preparing for battle, Freya informs Rebekah and Elijah that it was Dahlia who killed Aiden in order to tear them apart and bring Klaus to her. And now, if they can lure Dahlia to stand between two of Klaus’ paintings, she will be rendered mortal, and Elijah can kill her with Mikael’s knife. The trick? Dahlia isn’t exactly a lover of art. That’s why Rebekah will be in the back room performing a spell that will make the doll Freya’s holding look freakishly like baby Hope.
As they finish discussing the details of their plan, Gia shows up just in time to panic Elijah. He yells at her to leave, which she quickly realizes is his way of protecting her. Or is it? She doesn’t have time for guessing games. Well, good thing you don’t need them! Elijah grabs Gia, and kisses her like he means it before he once again tells her to go. This time, she listens.
With everyone’s plans in motion, Klaus makes his way to Marcel’s, where he snaps his neck, hangs him upside down, and drains the vervain out of his system. Dahlia doesn’t really understand Klaus’ flair for the drawn-out torture of it all, but he assures her that his family is bound by love. And that’s what he’ll use against them. For Rebekah, that means Marcel, and for Elijah, that means Gia. (Good thing that last kiss was so amazing.)
Act Two: Sucks to be a significant other
In the bayou, a select few wolves refuse to leave Hayley’s side … one of those being Jackson. How she doesn’t kiss that man more, I will never know. Regardless, they cross some rapids and then steal a truck, where they eventually make their way to a junkyard. [Insert junkyard dog joke here.]
But before we get back to the action at the compound, let’s catch up with Davina and Vincent, who are currently meeting with the elders to do a little politicking when it comes to Davina becoming regent. Long story short, they’re not a big fan of the politician who’s known for switching parties. After all, Davina once aligned with the vampires. (Although, to be fair, she only did it after her own kind tried to kill her.)
But everyone knows that all a politician needs is a good speech writer, and Davina has just that. She stands before the elders and calls them all out, asking how many of them have stood up to vampires. Because Davina has, and she’s won. So yes, she’s young, but she knows what the witches are really up against, and she can either help them build peace or “burn our enemies to the ground.” The question isn’t whether she should be regent. It’s “what the hell would you do without me?” If anyone deserves a slow clap, it’s Davina.
Also, like politicians do, she manages to leave out her biggest flaw: In her speech about defeating the Mikaelsons, she never once mentions the super sexy Mikaelson she’s going to bring back, like, tomorrow. Hope that’s not a problem, guys.
Okay, okay, now we can get back to the compound: With Freya, Rebekah, and Elijah all in place, Dahlia arrives. But just before she can step foot into the right zone, Marcel stops Rebekah’s spell. And when Freya tries to pull Dahlia into what we’ll call “the red zone,” Klaus tackles Elijah. And so begins Klaus v. Elijah and Dahlia v. Freya.
The latter of the matches is easy to sum up: Dahlia is super pissed at Freya, and she has some bad news. Remember how Freya thought that her blood was the third ingredient needed to kill Dahlia? Well, it’s not. Sorry, Freya, but even after a lifetime of being her bitch, you’re still not the witch Dahlia loves most. With that bit of new information, Dahlia puts Freya into her slumber early.
NEXT: Someone burns to death
As for Klaus and Elijah, well, things get even messier. Forcing Elijah to watch, Klaus compels Gia to remove her daylight ring. And in our (scarring) Elijah Moment of the Week, Elijah screams as he has to watch another woman he cares about die. (Like I said, this is one of those things Klaus will hopefully regret when he snaps to.)
However, I am thankful for the moment if only because it gives us Elijah’s vamp face, which is such a rarity that it’s practically a delicacy at this point. The bad news? Elijah only makes his vamp face when he’s incredibly angry, and when he fights angry, he doesn’t fight smart. Within seconds, Klaus uses Papa Tunde’s knife on Elijah. As Klaus tells his big brother, he should know better than to fight Klaus in anger, “for my anger is unending.”
Just then, Cami shows up, and with Dahlia watching, Klaus bites the one person who still seems to trust him.
Act Three: And to the victor goes the baby…
So, with Klaus and Dahlia on their way to find Hope—I hate the way Klaus bites his entire hand whenever someone asks for his blood—Rebekah is left shackled with Marcel as her bodyguard. I know what you’re thinking: Marcel as a bodyguard doesn’t sound like such a bad thing, right? Well, it is when Klaus has compelled him—à la Vampire Diaries season 3, episode 5—to kill you if you try to flee. (Or if you’re Elena, when the clock runs out.)
And unlike Stefan, Marcel isn’t exactly sure that he can resist Klaus’ compulsion, so when Rebekah’s only idea is for her to try running anyway, he naturally says no. However, Rebekah quickly figures something out: If she dies, she wakes back up in her old body, right? It makes sense: By threatening to kill her, Klaus is threatening to take away her chance at a mortal life. But that’s something that Rebekah is willing to risk if it means saving Hope.
Marcel, however, does not feel confident in Rebekah’s thinking, and he can’t stand the thought of killing her if she ends up being wrong. A few man tears later and Rebekah realizes she can’t ask Marcel to kill her. So she grabs a knife and jams it in her own neck. (And based on the promos, it worked! Welcome back Claire Holt!)
At the junkyard, Hayley and Jackson decide to head to Alaska when Klaus arrives. Hayley then gives Hope to Mary, because she refuses to leave her man behind and teach her daughter that it’s okay to leave the ones you love to die. Although, to be fair, there’s no way Hope is remembering any of this.
By the time Hayley gets back, Klaus and Jackson are already going toe-to-toe, but the fighting comes to an abrupt stop when Dahlia enters the ring. This is what you’d call an unfair advantage in the sporting world.
Thanks to an idea from Klaus, Dahlia has made a few adjustments to the Crescent curse. In other words, Hayley—and every pack member who’s linked to her—will now be stuck in wolf mode every day aside from a full moon. And that includes Mary, who starts to turn, leaving Hope to fend for herself.
As Klaus finds his daughter in the backseat of the truck, Cami wakes up and remembers what Klaus told her when he bit her. (Don’t ask how.) She pulls Papa Tunde’s knife out of Elijah and tells him that it was all an act. She knows how to kill Dahlia. So Klaus must’ve figured out whose blood they need. Let’s take bets: Which witch did Dahlia love most? It has to be Esther, right? I would laugh so hard if it were Finn. Someone finally loves Finn!
Sorry, back to the action: As Dahlia approaches the bundle of joy, Klaus stops her. Apparently, Klaus is not a fan of Dahlia’s whole “sleep for a century, wake for a year” curse. He doesn’t want Hope linked to that. (Even though Hope would obviously love it because she’s sleeping through this conversation right now.)
Instead, Klaus tells Dahlia to bond herself to him, the immortal hybrid. then once they get rid of the sleep spell, she can link with Hope. Sound good?
Again, I reiterate that Hope seems to have no problem with the sleeping spell.
Final note: Davina is now regent, and she’s officially declared this “the time of the witches.” Should someone inform Dahlia? And does “regent” stand for “old dress” because Davina could stand a wardrobe change.
Altogether, it was an action-packed hour that sets us up perfectly for the final showdown. If everyone makes it out of this alive, Klaus surely has some explaining to do … but let’s just focus on the “alive” part for now.