Klaus Mikaelson is like one of those super method actors who actually gets something pierced or loses way too much weight for a role. When he plays a part, he really, really goes for it. So much so that he’s going to look back at some point—probably soon—and say, “Yeah, that was a bit much.” But for the time being, he’s getting standing ovations every night and he couldn’t care less about the consequences. And Dahlia? Well she’s that castmate who thinks Klaus is the best leading man ever until they get off-stage and she realizes what a lie it all was.
Let’s get to it, shall we?
Act One: ‘Twas (still) a dark and stormy night
With Dahlia’s storm still working, Rebekah and Davina work to unlink Rebekah from all of those children while Klaus enjoys a classic New Orleans parade. And by that, I mean that he eats at least 1/3 of the attendees. Turns out, being daggered sucks, and Klaus finally understands why his siblings hold the occasional grudge against him. (You know Finn was screaming “amen” from that necklace around Freya’s neck.)
Back at the compound, there’s a plan in motion: Davina has made the decision to become regent to all nine covens. So if Freya’s plan to kill Dahlia fails, Davina and the witches will distract her long enough for Hope and Hayley to disappear.
Speaking of Hope and Hayley, they’re currently chilling in the very wet bayou, where Mary has shown up with some helpful herbs. Basically, if they burn white, there’s no magic around. Black means that there’s a hex in the air, and red means you’re screwed. Right now, they’re burning black, because this storm is obviously Dahlia-made.
With that in mind, Hayley thanks the wolves who have stood by her side so faithfully, but she’s done risking the lives of her pack. She tells them that she can’t be their queen anymore, that she and Jackson will continue on without them. But this is one loyal pack of wet dogs. They refuse to leave their queen. (Can someone explain the ranking system of queen vs. alpha to me?)
After Rebekah calls Cami and asks her to help with Klaus—because he obviously loves you, Cami—Dahlia finally puts an end to the storm. She’s done stalling.
Preparing for battle, Freya informs Rebekah and Elijah that it was Dahlia who killed Aiden in order to tear them apart and bring Klaus to her. And now, if they can lure Dahlia to stand between two of Klaus’ paintings, she will be rendered mortal, and Elijah can kill her with Mikael’s knife. The trick? Dahlia isn’t exactly a lover of art. That’s why Rebekah will be in the back room performing a spell that will make the doll Freya’s holding look freakishly like baby Hope.
As they finish discussing the details of their plan, Gia shows up just in time to panic Elijah. He yells at her to leave, which she quickly realizes is his way of protecting her. Or is it? She doesn’t have time for guessing games. Well, good thing you don’t need them! Elijah grabs Gia, and kisses her like he means it before he once again tells her to go. This time, she listens.
With everyone’s plans in motion, Klaus makes his way to Marcel’s, where he snaps his neck, hangs him upside down, and drains the vervain out of his system. Dahlia doesn’t really understand Klaus’ flair for the drawn-out torture of it all, but he assures her that his family is bound by love. And that’s what he’ll use against them. For Rebekah, that means Marcel, and for Elijah, that means Gia. (Good thing that last kiss was so amazing.)
Act Two: Sucks to be a significant other
In the bayou, a select few wolves refuse to leave Hayley’s side … one of those being Jackson. How she doesn’t kiss that man more, I will never know. Regardless, they cross some rapids and then steal a truck, where they eventually make their way to a junkyard. [Insert junkyard dog joke here.]
But before we get back to the action at the compound, let’s catch up with Davina and Vincent, who are currently meeting with the elders to do a little politicking when it comes to Davina becoming regent. Long story short, they’re not a big fan of the politician who’s known for switching parties. After all, Davina once aligned with the vampires. (Although, to be fair, she only did it after her own kind tried to kill her.)
But everyone knows that all a politician needs is a good speech writer, and Davina has just that. She stands before the elders and calls them all out, asking how many of them have stood up to vampires. Because Davina has, and she’s won. So yes, she’s young, but she knows what the witches are really up against, and she can either help them build peace or “burn our enemies to the ground.” The question isn’t whether she should be regent. It’s “what the hell would you do without me?” If anyone deserves a slow clap, it’s Davina.
Also, like politicians do, she manages to leave out her biggest flaw: In her speech about defeating the Mikaelsons, she never once mentions the super sexy Mikaelson she’s going to bring back, like, tomorrow. Hope that’s not a problem, guys.
Okay, okay, now we can get back to the compound: With Freya, Rebekah, and Elijah all in place, Dahlia arrives. But just before she can step foot into the right zone, Marcel stops Rebekah’s spell. And when Freya tries to pull Dahlia into what we’ll call “the red zone,” Klaus tackles Elijah. And so begins Klaus v. Elijah and Dahlia v. Freya.
The latter of the matches is easy to sum up: Dahlia is super pissed at Freya, and she has some bad news. Remember how Freya thought that her blood was the third ingredient needed to kill Dahlia? Well, it’s not. Sorry, Freya, but even after a lifetime of being her bitch, you’re still not the witch Dahlia loves most. With that bit of new information, Dahlia puts Freya into her slumber early.
NEXT: Someone burns to death