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'The New Celebrity Apprentice' recap: 'Fire Up That Chopper'

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Luis Trinh/NBC

Celebrity Apprentice

As for Prima’s two videos, they consisted of a lady ending up with sauce all over her face after being caught double dipping and… Well, honestly, I have no idea what the second one was. It started off as Porsha and Kyle fighting over the sauce, but once they got into the editing room Snooki and Porsha added every single visual and audio effect imaginable, including black-and-white footage, sirens, thunder, a devil voice, pop-up bubbles, possibly a gunshot, and I’m sure it was only a matter of time before they went for the slide whistle and “BOING!” boner sound. Essentially, they threw everything against a wall and hoped something would stick.

As for the men, Jon Lovitz had a hissy fit when people didn’t immediately fall in love with his idea of dudes appearing to drool at the hotness of an attractive woman while actually drooling at the hotness of a food or beverage product. Gee, where have I seen that joke done before? Hmm…

Boy George is apparently not a fan of Lovitz, explaining that “Not all creative people are created equally. I mean, everyone knows the funniest thing about Jon Lovitz is the dog.” Now that’s simply not fair. Has no one seen The Great White Hype? Or his Bruno Kirby replacement work in City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly’s Gold? Lovitz walked out on the team at one point, and even though they all had doubts and there seemed to be a rising concern that Jon’s dog physically attacking Vince over a bottle of BBQ sauce may not make any sense whatsoever, the comedian appeared to get his way on that one.

The other video was football-themed, and now it was Boy George’s turn to turn diva. “This is the worst experience in my entire life,” he proclaimed after standing out in the heat for an hour in makeup. (Really, worse than that time you starred alongside Mr. T on The A-Team?) That video ended with Carson tackling Ricky Williams and hurting his arm in the process. But his pain was the team’s gain as they won the task.

That left the ladies to go at it. Snooki brought Lisa and Porsha back to the boardroom so those two could battle it out while inevitable firee Nicole just sat there, ensuring her lack of fireworks meant she was not long for the show. “I’m trying to be strong, but I’m not like you guys. I feel like I don’t belong here,” she said, essentially firing herself. She then referred to Arnold Schwarzenegger as both “your Terminatorness,” and her “favorite person ever” — the first of which I do not understand and the second of which I do not believe. But her firing leads me back to this question…

What Exactly is Arnold’s Firing Line?
We’re four boardrooms in and I still don’t know! To recap, he started with “You’re terminated. Now get to da choppa.” Then he went for “You’re terminated. Hasta la vista, baby.” Then he went back to “You’re terminated. Now get to da choppa.” But for his fourth firing, he settled on simply “You’re terminated.”

What is going on here? Why can this man not make a decision? I guess it’s technically just the “you’re terminated” part that is the line. But then if he does not tell you to get to da choppa, how is one supposed to leave? Just jump off the side of the building because you’re faced with the grim fact you are a loser on a reality show hosted by the star of Escape Plan? That seems a bit harsh. Anyway, I would just prefer it if the punishment every person who was fired had to endure was being subjected to every bad cold pun Arnold made as Mr. Freeze in Batman & Robin.

So, that’s it for this week. Thanks again for playing along. The fact I just wrote 2,500 words about Celebrity Apprentice and you read them binds us in a way most people could never and will never understand. I call those people “well-adjusted.” But it is their loss, for they will never know the pure joy of seeing King’s Hawaiian executives sit there stone-faced watching the least-viral viral video of all time. And to them, I say simply: Cluck, Cluck…Splash!

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