Luis Trinh/NBC
January 09, 2017 at 10:00 PM EST

The New Celebrity Apprentice

TV Show
run date
Arnold Schwarzenegger
Current Status
In Season

Achieving Grapeness
“I’ll make a fool of myself, I don’t care.”

That’s Brooke Burke-Charvet talking, and while she’s referring to dressing up in a onesie as “Miss Grape,” it really could apply to anyone’s decision to appear on this show at all. But yes, back to Miss Grape. The first task forced the teams to create an eight- to 10-minute “live health segment showcase” for Welch’s.

Perhaps knowing they were guaranteed victory by virtue of their two previous losses, Prima’s preparation seemed to consist solely of boozing it up. Here’s Brooke on her work mantra: “We were stressed, the clock was running out. It was definitely time for a little bit of wine.” (To make sure there was absolute clarity on the matter, she followed that up by insisting, “I was definitely having my glass of wine and I think we earned that cocktail.”) The other part of Prima’s strategy appeared to be playing the most impossible game every created: Make Laila Ali Crack Something Even Close to Resembling a Smile.

It didn’t matter their presentation was about as funny as an episode of Work It. Nor did it matter that Lisa had to interrupt Porsha in the middle of her fascinating Q&A with Brooke, or that the entire infomercial made late-night Flowbee ads seem entertaining by comparison. The women were destined to win.

As for the men, it basically all boiled down to this quote by Eric Dickerson: “I put grape juice under each seat in the audience so they could have grape juice, and basically that was it. I don’t feel like I need to do anything more.” At that point, the editors should have just flashed a big neon sign on the screen that read “ERIC IS GETTING FIRED!” because it was just that obvious.

That quote from Eric is great for so many reasons. First off, let’s just take a look at the first part of that again: “I put grape juice under each seat in the audience so they could have grape juice.” Yes, that would be the reason to give people grape juice — so they could have it. Then, the second part: “I don’t feel like I need to do anything more.” The fact that Eric felt putting free 8-ounce bottles of grape juice under four rows of seats translated to a hard day at the office is pretty brilliant. Almost as brilliant as the fact he described this free giveaway idea as “out of the box” thinking, and then you saw the women do the exact same thing!

 Anyway, Eric predictably got the boot after making the cardinal sin of telling Schwarzenegger “I don’t have a problem if I’m fired,” with the only sad thing about his departure being that new reality super-group The Polyphenols did not play him out in his way to da choppa.

Kings For a Day
The second hour seemed to get off to a promising start when the contestants heard Chael and Ricky yelling at each other after departing the boardroom. For a split second I hoped we were returning to the glorious days of “whore pit vipers” and “pokka playas,” but alas, it was not meant to be. By the way, if you have no idea what I’m talking about with that season 2 reference, take a gander at this:

Unfortunately, those jokesters Chael and Ricky were just joshing around. While we have had a few confrontations and choice words between contestants this season, nothing has approached the level of Joan and Melissa Rivers — or my favorite Celebrity Apprentice fight ever, when Meat Loaf LOST HIS $#!& at Gary Busey for stealing his paints…only to then discover they were not, in fact, stolen and were just sitting in a corner. I insist you revisit that gem below. And if you are watching this for the first time, I am so happy for you and what you are about to see. I wish I could unsee the 5,743 times I have watched it just so I could once again experience it for the first time.

God bless Celebrity Apprentice. Anyway, the second task of the night was for each team to make two viral videos for King’s Hawaiian BBQ sauce. Snooki took on Project Manager duties for the ladies, explaining she no longer wanted to be known as Snooki. That may have carried just a tad more weight had there not been a chyron on the screen at that very same time identifying her as “Snooki.”

There was some tension on the women’s team after Laila got mad that Lisa said she was “allegedly” directing the video. Somehow the argument ended with Laila telling Lisa, “Let’s not make it bigger than it is” — even though that is exactly what she was doing by focusing so much on the whole “allegedly” thing! There was more sniping later when Lisa and Porsha got into it, while Project Manager Snooki… I’m sorry, Nicole sat there silently humming the Meow Mix jingle to herself hoping it would all just go away or she could magically transform back to the simpler days of GTLing with The Situation. The unrest worried Kyle, who informed us that, “I don’t want my name on a disaster.” Honey, are you aware of what show you are

The unrest worried Kyle, who said: “I don’t want my name on a disaster.” Honey, are you aware of what show you are starring on right now? That ship has SAILED!

NEXT: Snooki fires herself

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