After last week’s wild subway birth, Mindy surely deserves a little R&R, and we all know that means binge-watching TV and eating massive amounts of junk food. But good luck with that when you have Danny around. Mindy comes home with baby Leo to find that Danny has gone a little overboard on the baby proofing. No laptop, no booze, no Wifi, no TV. Danny doesn’t plan on having Leo see a screen until he’s 18. “I was literally raised on TV and I turned out perfect,” Mindy argues. We are all Mindy.
Danny is so in love with Leo, even cooing to him in Italian before bedtime. But his good mood vanishes when they hear the sex noises from next door (despite their brick wall). Now that there’s no TV to cover up the noises, Danny and Mindy go over to convince their neighbor to “dial it down a couple shades of Grey.” But Chelsea (Eliza Coupe) does not take too well to getting lectured by the “old married couple” and delivers an impressive put-down, after which she returns to her fun times.
The next morning, Danny gets ready to go to work, but leaves Mindy with specific instructions: no screens, no junk food, and no going outside. Basically, she’s under house arrest. Danny can’t bear to leave little Leo (the Italian is back), and to help, he leaves a big framed photo of himself cheesin’ so Leo doesn’t forget Papa.
Danny arrives at work to find Jeremy in a very forgiving mood, which Bev attributes to him “getting it on the reg” with his girlfriend, Whitney. Tamra decides to take advantage of this and calls for TLC Tuesdays — “You know, like, ‘I don’t want no scrubs’ to wear on my body.'” Just another regular, professional day in the office.
Speaking of which, Morgan’s complaining about his woman problems to Dr. Reed when Whitney (Cristin Milioti) drops by. The couple lays on the PDA, but when Whitney slips into Mindy’s office to make a phone call — where Tamra is raiding Mindy’s closet for TLC Tuesdays — Tamra overhears her making dinner plans, saying, “Don’t worry, he doesn’t suspect anything, he’s an idiot.” Tamra’s convinced that Whitney’s cheating on Dr. Reed and texts the juicy gossip to Sheena. Laverne Cox is back, if only in voiceover form. And she’s working at the White House. Sheena/Laverne for President 2016!
Back at the apartment, Mindy, clad in pineapple PJs, (and Leo in adorable matching pineapple cap and onesie) is bored to tears. Even the care package of books Danny left doesn’t do any good. The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn? “It certainly has a lot of the N-word like the Kanye song,” Mindy says. “Oh no, but it has a message like a Common song!”
Mindy manages to stay on her best behavior for a while, but if anything can lure Mindy out of the apartment, it’s a Jake and Maggie Gyllenhaal cookbook signing (Grillin’ Haul). And with that, the regular ol’ Mindy is back and ready to take on NYC. It’s a successful outing (meaning she managed to get inappropriately close to the Gyllenhaals), but when Mindy and Leo return, she accidentally locks herself out of the apartment with Leo inside. She’s forced to ask Chelsea for help, using her balcony to get back through the window before Danny gets home for lunch. They manage it just as he arrives, with Chelsea hiding in the crib and the junk food underneath the covers (I totally thought that was Chelsea, but nope, just five bags worth of chips and candy). The ordeal is a bonding experience for the two, and Mindy learns Chelsea isn’t as happy with her carefree lifestyle as she had assumed. “I thought you were slutty for modern female empowerment reasons, not for old-fashioned sad ones,” Mindy says. But Chelsea just wants to settle down with a nice guy. Literally any nice guy. Yes, even Morgan. Does anyone have a gif of Morgan’s celebratory shimmy?
At the office, Tamra tells Jeremy that Whitney’s cheating on him and forces him to confront her at the restaurant where she’s meeting the mystery man. Tamra ends up doing most of the confronting, but it actually turns out that Whitney’s been planning a surprise engagement party for her coworker Gerald and his fiancée John. Say goodbye to TLC Tuesdays, Tamra. She vows to mind her own business now, even if she does see Whitney snorting coke in the bathroom.
Meanwhile, Mindy’s plan to set up Morgan and Chelsea backfires when she and Danny hear the two getting it on next door. Even worse, Danny overhears that Mindy went to the Gyllenhaals’ book signing and Mindy overhears that Danny set up a Nanny Cam (in the picture frame!) to watch her at home. The two get into a fight – in which a very Italian-looking Danny, makes a Brokeback Mountain diss, how dare he?! – but are interrupted by an annoyed Morgan who proceeds to do an A+ impression of the two bickering.
Mindy, upset about the tight leash Danny’s keeping her on, leaves to get a drink. But when she’s at the bar, she overhears two dads toasting to a night out while their wives and babies are at home. She realizes that Danny may be an overprotective psycho, but he’s also a saint, and so she goes home to Danny and Leo. Danny admits that he used the Nanny Cam because he wanted to check in when he was missing them. Mindy says she’s lucky that Danny wants to be so involved. And they both agree that things will be okay because they balance each other out.
And in case you were getting tired of all the lovey-dovey ending moments this season, there’s a naked Morgan to close the episode.
“I’d rather die than dial anything down for a couple of smug breeders because in six months when you guys go down to Scarsdale and you get fat and you die, I’m gonna be here, partying with the anorexic gay couple that moves in.” —Chelsea
“That’s sweet, but we are saying ‘Daddy’ and ‘Mommy,’ none of this, like, ‘Papa Mama’ European bull-jive, okay? We’re Americans.” —Mindy
“New York City’s the greatest city in the world, but it’s a vile cesspool of disease. We invented AIDS. Take that San Fran.” —Danny
“You back to do some more slut-shaming? You have some nerve because I see you walking around in those sweatpants that say ‘Ho’ on the butt.” —Chelsea
“They say ‘Hero,’ it’s just my crack eats the middle letters.” —Mindy
“Tamar?” –Whitney upon seeing Tamra
By the numbers:
Minutes it took Jeremy to hang up a photo collage: 116
Times Danny speaks Italian: 3
Times Leo has cried: 0 (perfect angel)
Pigtails and a breezy, post-birth jumpsuit