Well, I did not expect Baby Castellano to arrive that early.
Let’s start from the top. Mindy (nine months pregnant) and Danny are in bed discussing possible names. Mindy wants to name him (or “herm”) after a classic movie character, and Danny wants to name him after someone from history. Names that get vetoed: Indiana, Wall-E, and O.J.
Mindy gets tired of brainstorming and tries to get Danny to have sex with her. And here we start to see how being on Hulu allows the show some freedom when it comes to certain topics of conversation. Despite her efforts, Danny refuses: “How would you like it if you were minding your own business and a big penis just came and hit you in the face?” Hey, aren’t you two OB-GYNs? Don’t you know it doesn’t work like that?
Later at the office, Jeremy tries to convince the staff to come out to dinner with him and his new girlfriend, Whitney, because he doesn’t want her to think he’s a “weird loser with no friends.” Poor Jeremy. Is this what his character arc has come to? I thought he used to be all suave and cool. Unfortunately for Dr. Reed, everyone makes excuses, Mindy and Morgan’s being that they have a booth at the Manhattan Fertility Expo where they’re trying to convince women to freeze their eggs in their 20s. That means hot pink hats, Frisbees with “Later, Baby!” on them, and the incorporation of “on fleek” into their vocabulary. They try these young and hip tactics on Tamra, but she’s already been persuaded that freezing her eggs is unnatural, thanks to a certain video by…
The midwives! They’re back! And they’re advertising their new Paleo birth. They’ve earned the endorsement of Brooke Burke, who’s seen in a flowy white dress swinging in a garden swing. Seeing her makes me kind of miss Maria Menounos.
Mindy balks at the idea, declaring, “I will never have a natural birth. I’m gonna be so drugged out for my C-section, Donald Trump will have started his second term.” Her choice is a complete 180 from a Paleo birth: a luxurious birthing suite where there’s spa water in the IV and the option of a five-day C-section knockout package.
Danny’s not too fond of the plan. So cute that he’s talking about childbirth as the most beautiful moment of their lives when just last season he was freaking out about being a father. But desperate times call for desperate measures, and Danny goes to Brendan for some tips on how to naturally induce childbirth, despite saying that the midwives practices’ were “superstitious hoodoos for dum-dums.”
So when Mindy gets home, Danny has everything set up for a nice, romantic evening ending in, hopefully, a newborn child. 1) Spicy food, 2) alcohol, 3) massage, 4) nipple stimulation (that does not go well), and 5) sexual intercourse. Mindy of course is totally onboard with that last one, but nothing kills the vibe faster than finding a book authored by the midwives underneath the couch pillow.
Mindy and Danny get into another C-section vs. natural birth argument, and Danny unsuccessfully tries to get Mindy to rethink her position. “Why should only women have to suffer through pain?” Mindy says. “Why don’t you try having one of your cavities filled without Novocaine?” Preach.
The next night, Mindy, Morgan, Bev, and Tamra are on their way to the expo and run into the Deslauriers on the subway. As Mindy’s declaring that her baby will arrive on time in her fancy birthing suite, her water breaks. And naturally in TV land, that means the train stops. Midwives to the rescue! Mindy’s about to pop out her baby on the dirty subway.
The panicking commences, and the midwives try out their zen techniques on her, which just makes matters worse. When Mindy says she wants her Beyoncé birthing playlist, Duncan breaks out his guitar and starts playing “I’ve Been Working on the Railroad.” I would cry, too, if I were trapped with that.
Meanwhile, Danny’s about to have dinner with Jeremy (did you forget about him?), though he’s still upset about Mindy’s attitude. Jeremy, amid all his ridiculousness, has some wise words: “Maybe it’s because she’s terrified. Whenever Mindy gets scared of doing something hard, she always pretends it’s not happening.” Danny then gets the message that Mindy’s in labor, and we see another grand Danny Castellano chase.
Just when it seems like nothing else will work for Mindy and the midwives, Danny comes running through the subway car. He apologizes to her for being a jerk and admits that he’s just as scared as she is. “But the only thing that calms me down is knowing that I’m doing this with someone that’s stronger than I am,” he says. He reassures her that she can do this, saying “You’re a stone cold bitch,” then whispering, “You’re even tougher than Ma.” Chris Messina, stop making us tear up with your emotional speeches and your beautiful face. This is the second week in a row!
And cut to the hospital, with Mindy and Danny and their gorgeous, Latino-looking newborn son. Mindy, exhausted from her 8-hour labor, tells Danny to pick a name for him. Leo. Mindy thinks it’s after Leonardo DiCaprio, but Danny says Leonardo da Vinci, or Leo the Lion because the little guy’s going to be as tough as his ma.
That is the most perfect baby name in all of TV history, and I have dissolved into a giant puddle of feelings. But now we all have a week to regroup before the Castellanos are sure to get into a bunch of new shenanigans.
“He can’t come out early! Then he’d be a Virgo, and Virgos are honest and reliable.” —Mindy on the baby’s arrival
“Sorry, I’m taking a night school class. It’s called ‘Making excuses at work.’” —Beverly getting out of Jeremy’s free dinner
“Just pay it forward. Initiate a conversation on race, take in a homeless person for a week, start a critical mass bike ride for veganism.” —Brendan Deslaurier on how Danny can repay him for his advice
Jeremy’s pronunciation of “booger”
By the numbers:
Times Morgan yells at Mindy’s stomach/crotch: 2
Appearances of Danny’s red glasses: 2
Rocking the maternity wear and the Birkin bag