Some people meet great hook-up partners on dating apps; others meet their life partners. Mindy? Mindy meets a guy who would prefer to have their “hearts connect” (yes, that is a real term he uses) before their bodies do and another who wants to “pump” (yes, that is a real term he uses) in a bar bathroom immediately after meeting. These guys might be perfect for some other ladies, but not for Mindy. Not at all.
The newly single Mindy’s quest to get under the sheets with a new guy all begins after she dreams of finding a naked Morgan in her bed — and of then agreeing to sleep with a naked Morgan. Nothing like an inappropriate dream involving a coworker to remind you to get back into the dating world! Mindy hits up her sexually adventurous friend Chelsea (Eliza Coupe) for advice and ends up joining a dating site called Cuddlespot intended for the older crowd. In all fairness, that name does sound more pleasant than Chelsea’s other suggestion: Pork-it. But we’ll get to that later.
Mindy meets up with a guy from the app, and it ends up being The Office‘s Toby Flenderson — or at least Paul Lieberstein, the actor who plays Toby Flenderson. But really, it totally could be Toby based on the words that come out of his mouth. This is a guy who calls sex “making love,” and he eventually goes into how he was bullied in high school… and in college… and then the day before on Facebook by his own nephew. Did you leave out someone, Tob? Maybe a guy named Michael Scott?
Toby’s much more interested than reliving his past with Mindy than having sex with her, so she sneaks out. Little does she know there’s a much more willing suitor just blocks away: Jody, who’s hosting an Elementary screening party — not because he likes Elementary or even likes TV, but because Mindy asked what he sent her, he lied and said he sent her an invitation to an Elementary viewing. And, as we all know, in the world of TV you can’t just cancel. When you commit, you commit.
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Once Jody finds out Mindy hasn’t found the letter — you know, the one where he said he was interested in her romantically — yet, he enlists Morgan to dig around her apartment and find it. Morgan tries, but doesn’t find anything. That’s because Jody sent it to her old apartment, the one she lived in with Danny and that Danny still lives in. Jody doesn’t realize this until Danny himself shows up to the office, yelling at Jody and spouting lies like, “Women don’t even like tall guys!” Aw, Danny. Denial is not healthy. Neither is trying to intimidate your ex-fiancée’s potential boyfriend: Little angry Danny asks Jody why he would think he could make it work with Mindy. That alone breaks Jody.
NEXT: Mindy tries again [pagebreak]
Soon after the Toby failure, Mindy meets up with a dude from Pork-it who is ready to, uh, pork it (ew, ew, ew). She gets to the bar and he immediately starts unzipping his jacket to reveal a naked chest, and then orders Mindy to join him in the bathroom. She waffles over whether or not to as he gets naked in the restroom, and eventually a cute bartender helps her decide it’s not for her.
Nothing happens with this cute bartender though because the next day, Jody asks Mindy out to coffee later that evening. Later that day, she runs into Danny in the elevator. He’s weird and cagey about why he was there and makes their whole interaction even weirder when he hugs her and says, “Make good decisions.” With this, Danny has officially transformed from a dreamy-but-stubborn doctor into a nagging mother. RIP, Old Danny.
After this, Mindy gets all dolled up for her date with Jody, but by that time, Jody and Danny have already had their interaction and Jody backs off. He makes up an excuse — he has to watch Chicago Fire, duh — and ditches her. It’s a bummer, but there’s no way this is going to end here. Also, this gives Mindy a chance to return to that cute bartender, JJ, and thank him for being there for her — and to ask him if he wants to come over later that night. Let’s give Mindy a round of applause for being blunt (and also for devouring an entire plate of potato skins JJ offers to share with her).
The last time Mindy dated someone, she forgot to tell him about her son at first. With this guy though, she tells him from the very beginning that he’ll have to leave by 9 p.m. because that’s when her son is getting dropped off. Transparency is good! And so is JJ: He does show up, and they do have sex, and Mindy does have a great time. No dating app necessary.
“When was the last time you felt the touch of a man?” —Morgan
“Kind of a long time ago. [Pauses] Oh, it was when Blake Shelton stepped on my neck at my audition for The Voice to get me to stop singing Adele’s ‘Hello.'”—Mindy
“What’d you send me? It better not be fruit.” —Mindy to Jody
“I already bought all the ingredients for my one-layer dip: ranch!” —Tamra
“A man has not been that uninterested in having sex with me since I threw myself in front of Jon Hamm’s car.” —Mindy
“Speaking of friends, would it kill you to reply to an email? It’s not spam. I can get very cheap Cialis!” —Morgan to Danny
By the numbers:
Longest Jody has gone without sex: 10 days
Longest Mindy has gone without sex (aside from the first 25 years of her life, of course): 6 months
Amount Jody almost offers to Morgan in exchange for retrieving his letter to Mindy: $500
Amount Morgan accepts in exchange for retrieving Jody’s letter to Mindy: 500 cents
Mindy’s Pork-it rating: 0 penises
Number of potato skins Mindy eats in less than five seconds: 8