At the start of “Crimes & Misdemeanors & Ex-BFs,” Danny doesn’t want Mindy to leave her toiletries lying around. Mindy tries with all her might, hiding her Ziploc around his apartment, in places she thinks he’ll never find it—behind the toilet, in the microwave, on the balcony. He eventually gives her a wheelie suitcase to lug her stuff back and forth between their places because he hates clutter that much. He really doesn’t like things messy.
Ironic, because messy is exactly how his love life is about to turn as secrets start to unravel. For Mindy, it’s six years of unpaid taxes that could affect the practice. For Danny, well his is juicy, so hang tight.
Mindy needs a lawyer, bad. Luckily, or not-so-luckily, she already has one: Cliff, who of course is not so happy to see her. She did cheat on him with Danny after all. “Can’t you take care of it for the time we did it in the wax museum,” she pleads. Maybe if it had in fact been with Cliff, not Danny. Awkward. Cliff, however, eventually takes the case because she tells him Danny cheated on her. Her ploy to make Cliff feel sorry for her worked much better than last week’s mom-catching plan.
The lie comes to Danny’s attention during a very awkward elevator ride with Mindy, Danny, Cliff, and Brendan, “The Midwife.” “Daniel, you have unfurled your tatami mat,” Brendan says of Danny’s unfaithfulness. “Lie in it.” (Can we please see more of the midwives this season?)
Later, Danny isn’t very happy with the lie. He says Mindy has some serious making up to do. The issue is settled, as most are, with Mindy—after being appalled at the suggestion of Rizzo—agreeing on Frenchie role play. Yes, as in from Grease. I suspect a sexy rendition of “Beauty School Dropout” is in the works.
Meanwhile, Peter tells Lauren he forgives her for kissing Jeremy. “It ain’t a real kiss if it’s above the belt,” Beverly says, poignantly, and Peter agrees. Still, Lauren puts “a pin” in the relationship.
Cliff jumps at the newly single, lady Lahiri. They meet for a “business dinner,” which Mindy of course lies to Danny about. He should have known when she told him she was going to the gym—something she later points out. Silly Danny. Also noteworthy, Danny’s imitation of Mindy’s butt at the gym. Yeah, he thinks of it as Godfather-era Marlon Brando. Where did that come from? No idea, but it’s gold.
At dinner, a revenge-seeking Cliff reveals Danny’s big secret. The moment this recap has been waiting for. Can I get a drumroll please? Here we go: There is still a Mrs. Castellano. Danny is still married to Christina. WHAATTTT?! “All this time I thought I was your hot girlfriend when really I’m your sexy mistress,” a fuming Mindy exclaims, leaving his apartment.
Danny confronts Cliff who agrees to help him with the divorce. The price: Danny’s prized Yankee Stadium seat, conveniently located in his living room. Cliff admits that he suspected the two were still together as a social-media
savvy obsessed Mindy uploaded a photo of Danny showering. Could you resist Chris Messina? I don’t think so. Before leaving, Cliff points out the absence of Mindy’s belongings (we’ll come back to this, hang tight). She left her stuff all over his place when they were together. Oh, and also, Cliff is is a Red Sox fan. Goodbye Yankee Stadium chair. Check the box on revenge.
As for the rest of the gang: Suspecting that Jeremy and Lauren are together, Peter feuds silently with Jeremy. He throws on an atrocious, albeit hilarious, British accent and puts a call in to Lauren’s work—suspicions confirmed. The obvious follow up is to call immigration, but it backfires. Immigration leaves him alone. An unknowing Lauren, fearing his deportation, decides she wants to be with him. There’s someone out there for you, Peter. Perhaps later in the season? Let’s hope. Also, there’s not enough Morgan in this episode. Just have to point that out.
The episode ends in resolution. Mindy works on her financial issues. “In July of last year, you spent more on emojis than rent,” an appalled tax man says. It’s part of her brand Mr. Tax Man, duh. And Mindy and Danny patch things up. “If I stay the night with a married man, it’s because I got my kid into private school,” Mindy quips, still upset about the whole matter. Turns out, Danny isn’t married anymore. Not only is he not married, but he bought a dresser just for Mindy to keep in his apartment. He’s okay with things being messy.
Ecstatic, she hints that they do it in the closet, but Danny says there’s no space because “that’s where my pressed jeans go.” Lesson of the week: Learn to take a hint Danny. For an ex-stripper, you aren’t very smooth at times. Someone play “American Woman.” That’ll help. But hey, messiness is a start.
“Clutter? This place is tidy like a serial killer’s lair.” —Mindy on Danny refusing to let her leave toiletries at his apartment
“You proud of yourself? Stealing from the Grand Canyon, the Liberty Bell?” —Danny on Mindy’s failure to pay her taxes
“Can I get you anything else while I’m in the cab? I got Mindy’s osteoporosis chews in case you want to keep your bone game tight.” —Peter trying to play nice with Jeremy
“I’m dating Andy Rooney. I can’t right now.” —Mindy about Danny
“After Captain Phillips, I was too spooked to go on it.” —Danny on his wife getting the boat in the divorce settlement
By the Numbers:
Mindy’s outfits: 7+
Years Mindy went without paying taxes: 6
Marlon Brando impersonations: 1
Yankee Stadium chair: 1; after Cliff is through with it: 0