A nice thing about living in a post-apocalyptic world with barely any inhabitants is you don’t really have to worry about security. The Last Man crew loses that perk, though, once they realize Pat is probably (definitely) alive and probably (definitely?) plotting his revenge. Their picturesque Malibu — or, you know, as picturesque as a completely deserted beach town can be — is no longer safe.
Tandy, ever the optimist, tells everyone that Pat is more scared of them than they are of him — a point that Lewis backs him up on. “He’s a really fearful person,” he says. “And he eats cat food.” Good to know! So, somehow, that’s enough to calm everyone’s fears at least a little bit. But even the comparatively not-paranoid Tandy is ready to take some precautions: He lines one of the house’s hallways with Big Mouth Billy Bass decorations that go off whenever someone walks by. That way, if an intruder comes in, “Joy to the World” — a.k.a. the song known for the “Jeremiah was a bullfrog” lyric — will start blasting from the mouths of these animatronic fish. Much better than a boring ol’ alarm tone.
This is a fine idea in theory. In reality, it’s terrible: Erika accidentally sets them off when she gets up in the middle of the night, so Carol suggests they all wear tap shoes and whistles when they walk around the house so everyone can tell the difference between someone who belongs there and… Pat. This one is not a fine idea in theory, but points to Carol for creativity — also shout-out to another one of Carol’s security measures: a disguise for the cow she dubs “cow-moo-flouge.”
In addition to the tap shoes and whistles, Tandy has set up taser stations around the house with big signs, while Melissa has set up ax stations around the house with no signs. Actually, she just stuck axes in the walls and instructs everyone to remove them, slice the intruder, wipe off the blood, and insert said ax back into its “station” when you’re done. Cold-blooded Melissa gets more and more entertaining each week, though it’d probably be beneficial for everyone if a therapist rolled up to their house about now.
NEXT: Five-alarm alarm[pagebreak]
Tandy’s not just preoccupied with safety this episode: He also wants to be Lewis’ friend. Instead of letting it happen naturally, he decides to tell him a story and then straight-up ask, “Lewis, will you be my friend?” It’s sweet and innocent and so, so awkward. Lewis begrudgingly says “fine,” and they fist-bump before a land mine that Melissa planted on the beach interrupts their bonding session. Oops? Turns out Melissa covered the beach in them and forgot to put up a sign. Important note: The “sign” she’s referring to was a Post-it note.
At this point, Lewis is ready to bolt. Tandy makes a plea for them to stay though, giving a heartwarming speech about how they became a family here and it’s going to take more than some land mines to take them away, blah, blah. No one backs him up on this, but just the fact that no one flat-out tells him he’s wrong is proof enough that, yeah, they are a bit of a family — although they really shouldn’t let a little bit of sentimentality from Tandy convince them to stay, because spending your life avoiding a potential murderer when there are literally hundreds of other places to live is, uh, insane.
They do let it convince them — until that night, when the fish start going off… and then car alarms… and then the land mines. Everyone, understandably, freaks out, thinking Pat is there. But, nope: The tide just triggered the land mines on the beach, which then set off the car alarms. Oh, and Melissa reacted by shooting her little heart out, adding an extra bit of chaos to the mess. Throughout, Tandy’s all, “There’s nothing to fear but fear itself!” That isn’t helpful, and everyone is ready to get the hell out so they can stop living like this. And Tandy’s left with no choice but to join them or stay in Malibu alone.
Tandy, of course, chooses to go with them. The next day, they pack up everything — except for Cher, much to Carol’s disappointment — and head out, with Tandy and Carol taking the DeLorean. To where? They’re not sure yet. But it doesn’t matter: Where they’re going, they don’t need maps. (Boom, nailed it!) (Sorry.)