Phil and Carol are married. They’ve had sex — tons of it. They’ve fought and made up; they’ve traveled across the country and back. And yet, they haven’t said “I love you” to each other. That just goes to show how terrifying saying those three words is: These two have been through hell — remember that whole virus that knocked out, oh, basically everyone? — and back, but even that didn’t make them tough enough to easily verbalize that they do, indeed, love each other. Or maybe they’re just that immature. I mean, we are talking about Phil, the same guy who calls his wife’s vagina “privates” like he’s a 10-year-old.
This all comes up because Carol asked Todd to be their sperm donor, which he agrees to, and Phil’s cool with it (for a little bit, at least — more on that later). But Carol will only have sex with Todd if they’re married, so it’s time for her to tie the knot once again. When Phil tells Mike this, they both agree that they love her for being so old-fashioned — and that’s when it comes out that Phil hasn’t actually told her that he loves her yet. Mike is, like the rest of us, shocked. But then again, Phil and Carol’s relationship — or anything about this show, really — hasn’t been exactly conventional, so is it that surprising?
Because this whole situation isn’t bonkers enough as is, Phil also decides to officiate Carol and Todd’s wedding. They gather near the water as everyone else watches on, groaning the whole time. Everything’s going just fine until Phil asks for objections. Maybe Gail will speak up? Or Melissa? But, nope: It’s Phil. He decided he wants Mike — with whom he spends much of the episode singing Once‘s “Falling Slowly,” just like all brothers do — to be the sperm donor, with Mike being his family and all. Also, he reveals that Mike’s middle name is Shelby. Mr. and Mrs. Miller killed the naming game.
Todd claims he’s not upset, though he totally visibly is. Damnit, he’s probably thinking, I was about to have boned three out of four of the women here. Gail’s just annoyed, so she goes to — where else? — the bar as Carol and Mike exchange vows. Later, the newlyweds exchange laughter and flirty touches as they try to get to know each other. “Oh, Tandy, what the hell have you done?” Phil asks himself. Doesn’t seem like such a bright idea anymore, huh, Tandy?
NEXT: Operation Pregnancy begins [pagebreak]
In an attempt to prevent his wife and his brother from falling in love, Phil gives them custom onesies with holes cut out for their genitals. Then he reveals that he’s going to be watching them have sex on what he calls “the insemination bed” because he saw Indecent Proposal and he’s always felt that Diana and Gage would have never developed anything for each other if David had been there when they hooked up. Mike helpfully reminds Phil that David and Diana do end up together anyway, but Phil’s mind is made up: He’s staying.
Carol mounts Mike and the two start engaging in picnic-themed dirty talk as Phil coaches his brother, who is extremely lost at first. Once Mike gets the hang of it, Phil decides to jump in himself. “I love you,” he exclaims to Carol, who responds with her own declaration of love…and then they start making out as she’s still riding Mike. They are basically having a threesome. Is this what the sex on Game of Thrones is like?
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The next morning, Phil shares the good news about the “I love you,” and Todd shares his new look: a completely bald head, an act of rebellion. And then Carol shares some really, really good news. She brings out what she thinks is an ovulation test, but Erica sees it and notices it’s a pregnancy test — and it’s positive. Carol is pregnant, and it’s too soon after having sex with Mike to be his…so apparently Phil isn’t shooting complete blanks after all?
Everyone — save for Gail and Todd — gathers around Carol in a genuinely joyful moment. Carol’s getting what she wanted, Phil’s not sterile, and they just said “I love you.” These two kind of deserve a second honeymoon after all these pretty life-changing developments.
While all this is going on, Gail’s hanging out “with a friend from Bordeaux.” Her devotion to wine has only been used as a punchline so far, but each episode makes it seem more and more like her relationship with the drink is leading somewhere darker — a bad thing for her but a good thing for the show, especially since we still don’t know all that much about her backstory or really much about her in general. And I’m not the only one looking for more info on Gail: The episode ends with a drone zoning in on her as she sips some wine. This relatively sweet episode just got creepy — really, really creepy.