Last week, Phil confessed his love for Melissa and asked if she felt the same. She responded “no,” so he tried to play it cool by saying his confession was just practice for what he was going to say Carol. She didn’t buy it, he didn’t buy it, and we didn’t buy it—but everyone pretended to anyway.
You’d think that her flat-out rejection would force him to move on, but that… doesn’t happen. Instead, he has a sex dream about her set to Fine Young Cannibals’ “She Drives Me Crazy.” That’s nothing out of the ordinary for Phil, who has dreams like this all time. Then it turns out that the dream wasn’t entirely a figment of his subconscious: “She Drives Me Crazy” is, in real life, blasting on repeat in Melissa’s house.
There are only so many reasons why “She Drives Me Crazy” would be playing in Melissa’s house late at night, and most of them involve Todd (maybe all, but I’m not about to say Melissa’s a gal who doesn’t like solo dance parties). So Phil being Phil interrogates Todd about what’s going on between him and Melissa and gets the truth: They had sex. Lots of it. And “She Drives Me Crazy” got stuck playing over and over again because they were too busy having sex to do anything about it.
Todd’s having the time of his life, but Phil is distraught—so distraught that he heads to his pool and falls face-first into the margarita pool, then continues to scream underwater, much like Shailene Woodley’s heartwrenching scene in The Descendents. Phil’s underwater freakout isn’t so much heartwrenching as pitiful though, especially because he’s doing it in a pool filled with margarita. Dude’s got problems bigger than his crush sleeping with someone else.
But he chooses to focus on Melissa and decides to get rid of Todd by taking him on a drive and then leaving him out in the middle of nowhere. Todd goes along with the plan, thinking Phil’s going to show him the place where he likes to think. He spends the ride telling Phil all about sex with Melissa—they’re like animals! it’s like they’re teenagers!—and that only motivates Phil more and more to leave him. It motivated me too: I’m fine with Todd, but kissing and telling all is not classy, man.
So once they get far away from homebase, Phil proposes something’s wrong with the tire and asks Todd to check on it. While Todd’s outside the truck, Phil peels off—then stops, bangs the horn, and screams in anguish. He can’t do it, so he reverses… then moves forward again. Then reverses, then moves forward. This goes on for a while until Phil finally realizes he doesn’t have the heart to just leave Todd there. He also realizes he doesn’t have the heart Todd thinks he does: Later, Todd says, “You’re a really nice guy, Phil.” Todd’s genuineness is endearing and confirms why Melissa’s all over him—Phil, on the other hand, is left feeling like a phony. Because he is.
But Todd’s words motivate him to actually be a nice guy, so he puts on a Walter White-style hazmat suit to clean out the poop pool—a chore the others ordered he do—and makes an effort to be friendlier-than-usual to Carol, who has been having to wear dryer sheets in her nose to prevent her from smelling Phil’s poop pool. Note: Genius idea, but probably not safe—if you’re going to stick something up your nose, make it a tampon á la Amanda Bynes in She’s the Man.
This phase doesn’t last for long though. By nightfall, he’s back to feeling jealous of Todd, who both Melissa and Carol adore. I mean, who wouldn’t: He’s sweet, he’s helpful, he makes them sculptures. Everyone could use a Todd. But then something amazing—for Phil and everyone else—happens: Phil comes face to face with a cow. A real live cow. The kind that wasn’t supposed to ever live again. The kind that could bring actual meatballs back into the foursome’s lives.
NEXT: Meet the cow.