It happened: Phil hooked up with Melissa—actually, he just came really, really close to it. But that still kind of counts, right?
Last week, Melissa drunkenly revealed how horny she was and Phil took that admission as an opportunity to pounce. But his pouncing was interrupted when Carol said some sweet things about making their marriage work, and he changed his mind about cheating and/or “divorcing” her. Although watching him prioritize that relationship over his sexual urges was heartwarming, it was very clearly fleeting. And he proves that as soon as this episode starts.
Carol brings up how “having a baby is the most important thing they can do,” and Phil suddenly has an epiphany: He can use the need for repopulation as an excuse to have sex with Carol and Melissa. Even better, he delivers news of this epiphany to his ball-friends, who are (thankfully) still around. Can’t wait for a bottle episode about Gary to happen, guys.
But Phil can’t just say, “Hey ladies, I’m going to have sex with you both so we can have more babies” (it wouldn’t be surprising if he did though). So first, he heads over to Melissa’s to check how generally open-minded she is by asking her opinion on wearing white after Labor Day and talking about Rosa Parks. This tactic is wildly uncomfortable, but then again, so is every one of his interactions with Melissa.
He figures out that she is a fairly open-minded person, so next stop is Carol’s. He bounds into her house fake-sobbing, claiming he had the worst thought. “Do you want our babies to have sex with each other?” he whines through more wails. His performance might not be Oscar-worthy, but his strategy with Carol is far superior to the other one. Unless Carol turned out to be okay with incest, that is (I know, gross, but it could happen!).
She’s not though, but is—rightfully—a little suspicious once he reveals the only solution is to have sex with Melissa. Then he fixes the situation by again reminding her of the age-old “Do you want our babies to have sex with each other?” question, which works in his favor until he brings up how Melissa’s been horny. And that’s when Carol figures it all out.
“You’re a skunk,” she tells him, proving herself as the show’s No. 1 name-caller. “P.U., your tail stinks! Get out of here, you skunk!” So now Carol’s mad at Phil, and she’s mad at Melissa for telling Phil about her sex cravings, and Melissa’s mad at Phil for making Carol hate her. Fun times in Tucson!
Melissa’s risen above being the resident Hot Girl by actually being more than a, well, hot girl: She cares more about cultivating a friendship with Carol than anything else, and that’s the reason why she’s angry with Phil—for perhaps ruining her only chances at having a girlfriend. Between shows like Broad City and Parks and Recreation, female-female friendships have been getting more and more positive time in the spotlight, so it’s refreshing to see The Last Man on Earth maybe joining that list, too. Yeah, Melissa’s horny, but she’s more than her physical needs—she has emotional needs and desires, and her yearning for a platonic girlfriend perfectly shows that.
To fix this whole messy situation, Phil completely embraces the skunk title and creates a carnival of sorts revolving around a Dunk the Skunk machine, featuring Phil as the skunk. He tries to get Carol and Melissa to come outside by yelling into a megaphone, but his attempts initially only work to bring the two women together. And then, eventually, they come outside and propose they follow through with his solution to the whole repopulation thing.
This doesn’t come without rules though: Phil and Melissa can only have sex three days per month and three times per each of those days. Then once Melissa’s with child, no more physical contact between the two. It’s a pretty sweet deal, especially for someone who’s still married. Phil, the last and luckiest man on earth.
Except he’s not really the last man on earth. Throughout the episode, we get glimpses of a man driving a red sportscar through Arizona. He wears highly reflective aviator sunglasses, leather driving gloves, and speeds like he’s on the Autobahn. From all these peeks, you’d think he was going to be an irrestible, Antonio Banderas (feel free to swap him out for the dreamy dark-haired actor of your choice) type. But… you would be wrong.
NEXT: Meet Todd.