It’s the most wonderful time of the year. Forget holidays and Santa Claus and winter wonderlands: The Challenge is back!
After months of waiting and Googling spoilers from tipsters on the scene in Turkey, the wait is over. Our favorite MTV stars are back, and this year is totally bonkers, because if you’re like me and have seen every single episode, obsess over Challenge stats, and even have a fantasy league with randos from AOL chat rooms, you’re like, “Huh? Who are these people?” This year, MTV has introduced 14 completely new people who’ve never appeared on MTV before: contestants’ family members. Hence, “Bloodlines.”
It’s like Fresh Meat all over again, and if you’re fans of Evelyn or Kenny, that may be a good thing. But if you’re a purist (or a gambler), it throws a wrench into things. These folks may be Bananas’ cousin or Camila’s sister, but they’re complete strangers to us. How are we supposed to predict if they’ll be able to chug six gallons of fish semen oil in three minutes or climb up a 4-million-foot mountain wearing just a loincloth?
We can’t, and to me, that makes this season of The Challenge that much more exciting. Here, real emotions are involved because real family members are participating. In the intros alone, half of the teams tear up and all of them say some form of, “I will literally kill any person here who tries to mess with my bloodline.” When that sort of loyalty — and we’re predicting betrayal — is at stake, all bets are off.
I’m calling it now: Bloodlines will change The Challenge forever, in the way Ex-Plosion changed The Real World format. This year, I’ll be here for you, recapping the madness and the glory, the agony and the ecstasy of the greatest show on television, The Challenge.
Each week we’ll rank the teams, but not in terms of who actually won. An extremely scientific calculation of screen time, maniacal behavior, and general insanity will determine the Bloodline Rankings.
Wednesday’s premiere reached peak Challenge pretty quickly. There were fights, hook ups, physical altercations, multiple kinds of cheating, tears, barf bags, and so so so many bottles of red wine. God, I love this show. Let’s get started.
1. Tony and Shane
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Tony from Real World: Skeletons makes his first Challenge appearance, and if you thought he looked bad in his original run on TV, which was plagued by living with two exes and his current girlfriend, he’s already dug himself a deep, deep grave.
Paired with his brother Shane (who also cameod on Skeletons), Tony spent the first night/morning hooking up with Christina and talking dirty to her while referring to Madison back home. “My hormones are raging,” he tells her. “I wanna like f–ing bang you. It’s gonna feel so good.”
As if the Melinda-Danny break up didn’t already destroy our faith in MTV-brewed romances! C’mon dude.
But Tony didn’t stop. On the second night, he fights with Larissa and Nicole, but as we’ve learned, when you mess with one person … you mess with their family. And when family means Nany and Camila, you’re out, dude.
But that’s not even it! He then proceeds to psychically throw down with his own brother Shane, throwing him against the wall and knocking down a few plates. It’s legit scary and harkens back to his dark times on Skeletons. Good ol’ TJ Lavin lets them stay with a warning, but oh man, Tony. What are you doing?!
NEXT: And the Pit winner is…